Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Mad Men Elevator Waiting Area Fashion Showdown

We are in the middle of season 4 and Mad Men is still one of the best television shows on the air.



At the end of episode 9 (The Beautiful Girls), there is, what I call, the Mad Men Elevator Waiting Area Fashion Showdown between four women of the show: Joan (Christina Hendricks), Peggy (Elizabeth Moss), the incredible new character Faye (Cara Buono) and a brief yet pivotal appearance from Peggy's lesbian friend, Joyce (Zosia Mamet). Incredibly enough, there is no fabulously witty dialogue but I felt the scene mesmerizing enough to upload the clip so I can watch it whenever I want. Now you can too.



Thank you, Matthew Weiner and company for this incredible experience called Mad Men.


Sunday, September 19, 2010

The Rabbit Brush

I touched a $1500 cocktail dress designed by William Travilla at the Vintage Fashion Expo. He dressed Marilyn Monroe. Scoped out a few $400 lucite purses with antique metal clasps of all intricacies. Saw a $600 pearl neck collar that draped like flapper beads and a $1200 Coco Chanel suit - in which no figure that reflects back at me in the mirror would fit.

So I bought a hair brush.



The booth's curator walked over to me as I picked it up.

I knew this rabbit brush would go fast. Its fabulous.

I know. I replied. It reminds me of the horrible face Fiver made when he and the other rabbits were forced out of the meadow by man's tractors in the animated film version of Watership Down.

After an awkward moment of silence, I continued.

I can't stop looking at it so I think I should buy it.

I smiled, plunked down the cash and became the proud owner of a rabbit brush



After lunch I washed my hands so I could take my new rabbit brush out of the bag and look at it. As I turned it over, in the light of the cafe, I could see some etching. I mentioned this to my friend.

Michelle, there's some etching on the back of the handle.

What's it say? asked Michelle through the mastication of her veggie burger.

I need glasses. I anguished until my arms were as long as my eyes needed. Oh, wait. I can see. it says 'HARE BRUSH'.

Oh, hair brush, yea. said Michelle, still masticating.

Ohmigod. No. H-A-R-E brush - like the four-legged rabbit.

The Hare Brush. Now I get it.


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

All That Is Lady Gaga

Watch this red carpet interview and see all that is incredible about Lady Gaga.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Carol Channing Can Do A Lot For A Corset

The First Traveling Saleslady is the first film in which Carol Channing sang a song. The movie is not available on DVD.


For the INTERNET WORLD PREMIERE, I set up my camera in front of the TV and, until a better version can be had, here is vintage Channing (with some faux piano help from Ginger Rogers) singing A Corset Can Do A Lot For A Lady from The First Traveling Saleslady.


In the clip, actress Molly and saleswoman Rose (progressives) try to interest
a theatrical producer in adding a number featuring their corsets -
despite his fears of reprisal from the Purity League (conservatives).





Monday, August 30, 2010

Paris Hilton Denies Underpants Ownership

In other news, Paris Hilton was pictured getting out of a black SUV wearing underpants. According to Ms. Hilton, 'Those underpants were not mine. I was wearing them for a friend.'



For even more news, see The Day Paris Hilton Went To Rehab.


Saturday, August 28, 2010

Incredible Turnout at Beck's Rally



Why is being able to hold Beck's rally in his chosen location despite its offense to a certain group of people different from being able to build a Muslim community center in THAT location despite its offense to a certain group of people? It's not; it's called FREEDOM.

More background regarding this allegory: Beck Tweets for White Power

Originally posted here but so good I wanted to reiterate. Thanks devilgrrl.


Sunday, August 22, 2010

Brady Gaga Loves San Jose

I made a t-shirt, for Christ's sake. I was so excited to see Lady Gaga at the Monster Ball (HP Pavillion, Aug. 16, 2010) that I made a t-shirt. The last time I made a t-shirt for a concert I was 16 and went to see Heart on their first tour. It was a blue tank top onto which I had ironed red glitter letters that read Magic Man.



This time the shirt was white and extra large to cover my cell and my camera (on either side of my belt) and my paunch (right behind the buckle). The iron-on was Brady Gaga, an homage to the Lady herself as seen through the iconic Brady Bunch layout and font. (The photograph came on The Fame Monster USB Edition. Puff, puff.)



To put it simply, Lady Gaga was amazing. Forget about the excellent music and lyrics, the incredible production, the really phenomenal costumes, her poseur style of dancing and that she ACTUALLY SINGS AND PLAYS THE PIANO, Gaga, if I may be so bold, is this century's Aimee Semple McPherson (without the faked kidnapping and accidental overdose, of course). She preaches with a new medium, this Monster Ball. The Monster Ball will set you free.



Tonight is for everyone who has ever felt like a freak. My whole life, I was told that I wasn't pretty enough, wasn't thin enough, couldn't dance well enough, couldn't sing well enough. This is for all of you out there who have been rejected, marginalized, or cast out because someone thought you were a freak. Well, let me tell you what. Tonight, the freaks are all OUTSIDE, and I'VE LOCKED THE DOORS!


Montage from the Monster Ball Aug 16, 2010


She calls us by name too. Hello, San Jose. I didn't used to be brave. In fact, I wasn't brave at all. You have made me brave. Thank you so much for buying a ticket to the Monster Ball, San Jose, because you are what make it.



And every performance of the Monster Ball, her corporate sponsor gives $20,000 to Gaga's favorite charity, The RE*generation Campaign to help homeless GLBT youth. It is pretty incredible to be a fan and have your fan-dom validated by, arguably, the biggest star on the planet.



There is a sincerity behind Gaga and what she says. It made me feel good to hear an artist appreciate her fans so much. Gaga did more for me that night then some therapists I've known (and I've known some). And she's coming back to the Bay Area in March, 2011. I already bought myself a ticket. Yes, this 52 (by then) year old man is making another iron-on t-shirt because I'm going to see Lady Gaga at the Monster Ball again. And, even though I don't live in Oakland, I know she'll be glad to see San Jose. Paws up, little monsters!

Set List

Intro
Dance in the Dark
Glitter and Grease
Just Dance
Beautiful, Dirty, Rich
Vanity
Vanity (outro)
The Fame
LoveGame
Inspirational talk
Boys Boys Boys
Boys Boys Boys (outro)
Money Honey
Charity, tank top, thrown gifts and fan phone call
Telephone
Speechless
Piano talk, new album
You and I
So Happy I Could Die (costume change)
So Happy I Could Die
Put Your Paws Up (video)
Monster
Teeth
Alejandro
Poker Face
Paparrazi
Bad Romance (encore)


Friday, August 20, 2010

Never Ship Air!

This past weekend I went into the garage to empty some boxes still packed for our move from Denver two years ago. Inside one of them, I found a box of band-aids - which was perfect timing because we needed band-aids.

When I opened the box, I saw an excellent representation of the mantra of good packing: never ship air.


No bird has been harmed in the packing of these band-aids.



Wednesday, August 18, 2010

There Was No Body

I brought my car into the shop the other day and took the bus home. This particular bus route passed by the downtown San Jose County Court and Jail. At the stop in front of the building, two disheveled men and one trashy looking woman boarded and sat down in the seats behind me. I was oblivious to their conversation until I heard the woman say, "Yea, they let me out. There was no body. There was no weapon. What else could they do?"

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Left Closet is the Costco of My Room

I have two closets in the room in the front of my house that I use as an office. The closet on the right contains stuff I need on a daily basis. For example, my checkbook, the backpack for my laptop, a book I'm trying to get through and hard printouts of current projects.

The closet on the left side of this room contains things that I will need but nut necessarily on a daily basis: blank envelopes, blank media discs, and older fiscal records on the way to the shredder. Thus I decided the left closet is the Costco of my office.

In that vein, the dining room is the Costco of the southern half of the house including itself, my office and the living room (which has no storage space). The breakfront in the dining room contains games, extra vases, extension cords, pens and pencils, and a hammer, nails and screwdrivers.

To continue, that makes the mud room in the back of the house, the Costco for the upstairs of the house (garbage bags, cleaning supplies) so a daily trip to the basement is not warranted. I'm getting older.

And to complete this virtual trompe-l'œil, the basement is the Costco for the whole house - reams and reams of toilet paper so we never run out (Costco brand), reams of paper towels (not essential enough for reams and reams), sponges and laundry detergent. The electric tools and brooms are relegated to the backyard - the Costco of the property (cat litter, bird seed, buckets, hand truck).

I am writing now with the Costco of my brain - reams and reams of thoughts, really cheap.


Thursday, May 6, 2010

Make a Free Ringtone for Your iPhone

You don't need to buy them if you have the song. Ringtones for the iPhone can be no longer than 30 seconds. This procedure was done on a MacBook Pro with OS X version 10.5.8.

  1. Open iTunes.

  2. Choose a song.

  3. Find 30 seconds of the song that you want to use as a ringtone.

    For example, I want to use 2:11 through 2:41 of 6060-842 by the B-52s. (You can also choose a short song; I also made a ringtone from the 20 second I Love Lucy Theme.)

  4. Select the song you've chosen.

  5. Right click the selected song and choose Get Info from the drop down box.

  6. Click the Options tab.

  7. Put a check in the boxes beside Start Time and Stop Time, enter the times you selected for the ringtone and click OK.

    For example, I used 2:11 for the Start Time and 2:41 for the Stop Time.

  8. Choose Create AAC Version from the Advanced drop down menu.

    The new, 30 second AAC version of the song appears below the original.

  9. From the Finder, search the song name in your iTunes folder.

    You are not searching in the iTunes application; you are searching the iTunes music folder on your computer's hard drive. Two files are displayed; you will be working with the one that has the smaller file size.

  10. Copy and paste the 30 second file to your desktop.

  11. Back in the iTunes application, delete the 30 second AAC version of the song.

  12. Double click the name of the 30 second AAC version of the song on your Desktop to rename it.

  13. Change the extension to m4r and press Return to save the change.

    My file had m4a as the extension so I changed the a to an r. A prompt will be displayed asking if you are sure you want to do this. You're sure.

  14. Back in iTunes, right click the original song and choose Get Info from the drop down box.

  15. Click the Options tab.

  16. Remove the checks from the Start Time and Stop Time boxes and click OK.

    If you open Get Info again you will see that the times have reverted back to the song's actual length.

  17. Click your Ringtones library on the left to open it.

  18. Drag the .m4r file from your desktop to your Ringtones library in iTunes.

  19. Sync your iPhone using iTunes.

To start using your new FREE ringtone on your iPhone just select it (Settings -> Sounds -> Ringtones) and wait for your next call.

Your number's been disconnected.
Your number's been disconnected.
Your number's been disconnected.


Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Find the Wrong in Right: An Idiocratic Music Video

The truth is crass.



Music by Michael Masser, New Lyrics by A Man with A Mouse

I believe that Glenn Beck is an asshole
Shedding tears that crocodiles won't shed
Wipe away the skid marks on your sallow cheeks
Have you no sense of right; I'll make it easier
For the people listening - your euphemistic words, newspeak

I believe that Sarah is a retard
I can use the word - it's satire
She's classified type 1 on the Bristol Chart
That's very hard to pass
But tea bagging depends on her

I decided long ago, never to listen to Ann Coulter
He is spoiled, He's a witch
But he don't care - he think's he's rich
Michelle Malkin is quite the shrew
Birth right American - hypocrite too.

And there's the spinning man himself
Traditionalist top,
O'Reilly is a fabulist who
Bottoms to Aesop
Yes, he's a story telling man
But loud and crude and coarse
And just like all the rest of them
Leaves no room for discourse

I believe that Hannity's a sphincter
Verbalizing 6 on that Bristol Chart
Using Christ in ways that He wouldn't condone
Has Sean no sense of shame; I'll make it easier
For the people listening - your fair and balanced cred is gone

I decided long ago, never to worry 'bout Dick Cheney
His heart don't work, he won't be mourned
Hell hath no fury like a heart that's scorned
No matter what his daughters think
His work in Wash-ing-ton did stink

Less we forget the false prophet
A hominal dildo
With trusted dingleberries; his name is Rush Limbaugh
Yes, he espouses crap he leaves
On hair around his hole
It's dung on dung on dung on dung on dung, ditto.

So if by chance, a special bill
You feel is worth the fight
Will not be signed into a law
Find the wrong in right


Thursday, March 11, 2010

Midnight on Bailey Avenue

You might think that this picture of Max taken around midnight on Bailey Avenue a few months back is what the title of this entry refers to but in actuality it refers to a cat that walked the grounds of Bailey Avenue, the street on which I live.



Being a fellow who works from home, I got to know this black cat who had no problems catwalking up the driveway and checking out the garden in our backyard - just like the four-legged creatures who live there.



Before I got to know the cat, I assumed it was a territorial stray that was going to take control of the area and browbeat the backyard's rightful feline owner, Lucy, into submission. (Max was not that interested except to chase any interlopers away.) Often I would let Lucy go outside in the early morning light and wait for the inevitable cat fight that would make my heart drop and my feet run outside (with Max a healthy step in front of me) to shoo the cat with violent tendencies away. That day never came.


Lucy's litter box


Soon enough I realized this black cat was just looking for food and fun. So whenever I saw him I laid out some treats and watched from inside the house as he ate. I watched from my desk as he walked around the houses, up and down the street and back again. I watched from the living room couch as he walked past the bird feeder in the front yard - giving the birds that ate there a total ignoration. He was a sweet cat.

It was midnight this past Saturday and I was walking Max for a late night treat. On Bascom Avenue almost to the corner of Bailey, I stopped in my tracks when I saw this black cat lying on the sidewalk dead. It was most probable that he had been hit by a car and crawled off the street onto the sidewalk to die. I started crying uncontrollably. How silly I thought; I barely knew this cat. But the heart knows what it knows. I ran home, tears falling to the sidewalk, to ask George what we should do.



Ultimately George (my ever loving vacuum lover) went and got the cat and we took him to the 24 hour clinic in Campbell. They have a program where, for $44, they take dead animals, cremate them and bring the ashes to a potter's field for animals in Napa, CA. As the receptionist filled out the paperwork he asked me some questions.

What's the cat's name?

The cat didn't have a name, I said. He didn't belong to anyone.

Well, I need to put something here.

Can you put two words?

Whatever you want.

Found Cat.

He typed Found Cat and moved on to the next field. After a couple of other questions, I asked HIM a question.

Can I change the cat's name?

Sure, he said.

Midnight. The cat's name was Midnight.

He typed Midnight and moved back down the form.

I'll miss Midnight on Bailey Avenue. I guess he belonged to me.

MARCH 19 UPDATE: Today I received a Certification of Country Burial from Bubbling Well Pet Memorial Park in Napa, CA affirming that Midnight had been interred in a country setting. I didn't know I was going to receive this but I was really glad I did.

RIP Midnight.




Saturday, February 20, 2010

Two Stale Farts or, The Night I Met Madonna

I was in a Goodwill store recently and found a copy of the 7-inch single Two Of Hearts by Stacy Q. Two Of Hearts was a huge hit in 1986, reaching #3 on the Billboard Hot 100. Seeing the single reminded me of the night I met Madonna and Sandra Bernhard. Here's how it went down.

Being more of a rocker Two Of Hearts never impressed me. The song was Madonna-esque and Stacey Q had unfortunately shucked her career as lead singer for the excellent synth-pop band SSQ for this piffle. My friend Russell was of the same mind and we made up lyrics that we sang whenever we heard the song - which in 1986 happened a lot.
Two stale farts
Two farts that stank the room
Two stale farts
We passed 'em, we passed 'em
Two stale farts
Two farts that stank the room
Two stale farts
Ka-boom, ka-boom
That year, Russell had participated in the Los Angeles AIDS walk and thus was invited to the after party; I was his plus one. At some point in the evening we found ourselves on stage standing behind Madonna and Sandra Bernhard. We were schmitten and wanted to say something but didn't know what that might be. (I was a huge Sandra Bernhard fan having experienced her oeuvre in July of 1984 when she walked on stage at The Bottom Line - to thunderous applause - and regaled the audience by saying Don't pull a Madonna on me. Don't push me over the borderline.)
As Russell and I poked, prodded and nudged each other, mouthing things like Go ahead and You say something, the ubiquitous Two of Hearts started blaring out of the speakers. The crowd on the dance floor roared its approval but Madonna leaned over to Sandra and said I hate this song. Russell and I looked at each other and when the chorus started, so did we.
Two stale farts
Two farts that stank the room
Two stale farts
We passed 'em, we passed 'em
Two stale farts
Two farts that stank the room
Two stale farts
Ka-boom, ka-boom
As we finished, Madonna and Sandra turned to look at us and busted out laughing. We hate this song, I said. Russell, ever the charmer, thanked Madonna for lending her support to the fight against AIDS. I leaned into Sandra and said I'm gonna pull a Madonna on you. I'm gonna push you over the borderline. Sandra cracked up while Madonna looked at her quizzically. I'll explain later, Sandra said. We then had a group hug, sang It's A Long Way To Tipperary, and disappeared separately into the night.

OK, so there was no group hug but I've often wondered if, in the limousine on their way home that night, Madonna turned to Sandra and asked What did that tall guy say to you?


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Heart's Magazine: The SPARTY 1024 LP

It was spring, 1977, I was just 18, and walking down 7th Avenue to Penn Station. It had been a rough week. Magazine; the long player (LP) that Mushroom Records had released without the cooperation of the group Heart, had been pulled off the shelves. No doubt, despite being their biggest fan, I wouldn't be seeing a copy of this LP any time soon.


As had been my wont when traversing this stretch of 7th Avenue, I stopped into a small record store I knew on the way to the train depot. (It might have been a J&R Music Annex on the west side maybe at 36th Street.) While nonchalantly browsing through the rock bin I happened upon the Heart divider, looked inside and was taken aback as there was a copy of Heart's Magazine.


But the cardboard used for the album jacket felt thin? And there was a little white sticker on the jacket back that was blank? And the jacket itself was unwrapped but placed in a plastic sleeve? After a moment of consternation, I realized it was different from what I was accustomed to in the United States - plus the jacket back mentioned something about London. I've since found out that 50,000 copies of Mushroom's original release of Magazine had been pressed for North America. Some of these were sold in stores, mostly in Los Angeles and Hollywood, Florida. But the album was also briefly released in Europe through Arista Records (under catalog identifier SPARTY 1024). What I had found was an imported copy of this European release - my first store-bought import. I refer to this LP as Magazine (The SPARTY 1024 LP) when it comes up in casual conversation.


Heart had a contract with Mushroom Records for two albums. Magazine was originally intended to follow-up their 1976 Mushroom debut Dreamboat Annie. The group began recording 5 songs that would have been part of this second album. Then, Shelly Siegel took out an ad in Rolling Stone to congratulate the respective successes of the group and his company. The ad showed a picture of Heart group members (and sisters) Ann and Nancy Wilson bare-shouldered with the suggestive caption, It was only our first time.
According to legend, after one live appearance when a reporter suggested that the sisters were sexual partners, Ann returned to her hotel room and wrote the lyrics to Barracuda to relieve her frustration.

None to pleased with this advertisement, Heart also felt that they had now proven themselves as hit-makers and expected Mushroom to act accordingly and raise their contracted royalty rate. To the surprise of the group and their producer, Mike Flicker, the label refused to pay and decided not to release a second Heart album. Flicker ended his relationship with the label and Heart followed, believing they had no obligation to stay without their producer. They accepted a more lucrative offer from CBS Records (now Sony BMG) subsidiary, Portrait Records and began preparing Little Queen - seemingly breaching the contract with Mushroom.

Shelly Siegel though believed Mushroom had the legal right to release a second Heart album so he compiled the rough mixes of the 5 studio recordings (Devil Delight, the single Heartless, the Badfinger chestnut Without You, Magazine and Just the Wine), B-side Here Song and three live songs recorded in 1975 at the Aquarius Tavern and released the collection as Magazine. The back cover of the LP carries a disclaimer.
Mushroom Records regrets that a contractual dispute has made it necessary to complete this record without the cooperation or endorsement of the group Heart, who have expressly disclaimed artistic involvement in completing this record. We did not feel that a contractual dispute should prevent the public from hearing and enjoying these incredible tunes and recordings.

Unhappy with the demo-like-quality of the release, Heart took Mushroom to court to stop the sale of the album. The Seattle court ruled that Mushroom had to recall the album and unsold copies were reportedly destroyed. When the dust settled, the judge found in Mushroom's favor and required that Heart honor their contract and provide a second album. Heart chose to fulfill this obligation by working with the original Magazine tapes: remixing the songs, adding new lead vocals and editing. Reportedly, Mushroom employed a security guard to make sure that the group didn't try to erase the multitrack master tapes while in the studio.

The official revised version of the album was released with a different track sequence (and no disclaimer) in April 1978. Heart was never particularly happy with the album's sound but nevertheless it peaked at number 17 on the Billboard album chart and sold over a million copies. Heartless was a Top 40 hit. In the early 1980s Mushroom Records went out of business, and Heart's two albums for the label were purchased and re-issued by Capitol Records.

Which brings us back to the spring of 1977 and me holding the now rare long player Magazine, the SPARTY 1024 LP with disclaimer. I ran to the cash register, ran out the store, ran to Penn Station, ran up and down the aisles of the train as it chugged along past Merrick, Bellmore, Wantagh, Seaford and Massapequa to stop at Massapequa Park. I made it home and dropped the platter on the turntable. Those very tunes I heard that day are the very same ones I've digitized and posted as Heart_Magazine_SPARTY_1024_Vinyl.

These files are uploaded for historical purposes only as part of the multimediacal musings of A Man And A Mouse. Please don't hurt me.

Track listing - 1977 Release

"Heartless" (Ann Wilson, Nancy Wilson) – 5:00
"Without You" (Peter Ham, Tom Evans) – 4:44
"Just The Wine" (A. Wilson, N. Wilson) – 4:30
"Magazine" (A. Wilson, N. Wilson) – 6:55
"Here Song" (A. Wilson) – 1:35
"Devil Delight" (A. Wilson, N. Wilson) – 4:58
"Blues Medley" – 7:11 
(Mother Earth) (You Shook Me Babe)
(Peter Chapman, Lewis Simkin, Willie Dixon)
"I've Got The Music In Me" (Bias Boshell) – 6:01

Track listing - 1978 Remixed Release (not included in download)

"Heartless" (A. Wilson, N. Wilson) – 5:02
"Devil Delight" (A. Wilson, N. Wilson) – 5:00
"Just The Wine" (A. Wilson, N. Wilson) – 4:16
"Without You" (Ham, Evans) – 4:42
"Magazine" (A. Wilson, N. Wilson) – 6:22
"Here Song" (A. Wilson) – 1:34
"Mother Earth Blues" (Chapman, Simkin, Dixon)
– 5:59
"I've Got The Music In Me" (Boshell) – 6:18

Performers

Ann Wilson: vocals, guitar, keyboards, 
violin, flute
Nancy Wilson: vocals, guitar, piano
Michael DeRosier: drums
Roger Fisher: guitar, steel guitar
Steve Fossen: bass guitar, percussion
Howard Leese: guitar, keyboards, 
synthesizer, vocals

Thursday, December 17, 2009

It Was the Wrong Item

I bought a USB 2.0 to IDE/SATA adapter cable the other day at MicroCenter, Santa Clara, CA. I took it home, opened my 13 years Mac G3 with its handy dandy side handle and plugged the cable into the internal hard drive - hoping to create access to the unknown but probably brilliant artifacts that might lie with on it.



I plugged in the power cord. I plugged in the 3.5" optical drive plug. The hard drive starts into whirring. But nothing miraculous appeared on my desktop. It was supposed to be so easy. Through further inspection there seemed to be a missing pin on the male side of the drive plug. Was that the reason the hard drive was not appearing? I don't know but whatever the reason, it was obviously not working.



So I brought the cable back to MicroCenter, pristinely repackaged in like new condition to avoid a 15% restocking fee (which would've pissed me off to no end). The customer service rep (as it stated on Kelsey's name tag) asked me what the matter was with the item.

Well, it was actually missing a pin from what my hard drive had so it didn't work for my purposes. It wasn't the right item for me.

Kelsey checked off Customer didn't want. I noticed another option, Wrong item, that seemed more in line with my situation.

Uh, Kelsey, I said it was not the right item. I would love this cable if it were, in fact, the right item for my purposes. But it is not. It is the wrong item.

Yea?

Well, Customer didn't want makes it seem like I'm being belligerent or something. But I'm not. I just bought the wrong item.

Do you want it?

No.

Here's your receipt. We've credited 17.46 back to your American Express.

Thank you.

Next!


Thursday, December 10, 2009

Starbucks Green Tea Latte or an Onion Smoothie?

In Starbucks they have a Tea Latte listed on the menu. Flavors include black, green, and earl gray. What a great idea! Those are strong tasting teas worthy of some milk and foam with which to temper the dirty tasting properties. So I asked the Starbucks barista what was in a Green Tea Latte?



It turns out that my idea of a Green Tea Latte is quite different from Howard Schultz, director of research and development at Starbucks.

It's a green tea mix that we add syrup to.

Matcha (or 抹茶 as some parts of the world know it) is the mix Starbucks uses. It is REAL green tea in powder form. The Japanese tea ceremony centers on the preparation, serving, and drinking of matcha. Matcha is now also used to flavour and dye foods such as green tea ice cream and a variety of wagashi (Japanese candy). Unfortunately, Starbucks mixes the matcha it whips up in a small Japanese tea ceremony with sugar. And in the mix that is sent to its over 15,000 stores worldwide, there is more sugar than matcha. Then to further assault the senses (and the waistline), the barista adds melon syrup to the newly anointed Tazo Green Tea Latte. Now that's an ill-matched matcha.

I'll take a cappucino, thank you.

But from each experience we learn; so I will try something new and exciting in my morning cup of green tea. Maybe I'll add some rice milk (which I find sinfully refreshing). How about some orange juice - which I've heard is good for the over 50 male kidney. (Do you know what I mean?) Maybe I'll whip it, whip it first. Do da da da dah.

You shouldn't have to force down a drink that tastes like dirt just because it is good for you. And I shouldn't have to add a pound of sugar to my diet to get something refreshing. I have done worse though - imagine an onion smoothie. Onions are low in calories, fat and sodium, and a good source of fiber, vitamin B6, vitamin C, and potassium. I thought the blueberries I added would overpower the onions.

So try the matcha - just don't buy it at Starbucks.


Saturday, December 5, 2009

The Kitchen

I spent all day cleaning the house and the kitchen: doing the laundry, washing the dishes, wiping the counter, putting things away, cleaning the stove top, throwing out the garbage, recycling the recyclables - generally being green. Then I took this picture.

Man was I impressed.


I put the soda can down to take the picture. And the cycle begins again.



Sunday, November 29, 2009

To Patrick Swayze, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar

For years my mother has shipped to me via Media Mail the magazines that she reads on a weekly basis. Because of that I have a pile high of magazines like In Style, Hello, US, and OK in the bathroom because I only read the gossip rags when I'm on the can so I can wash my hands afterwards. (In her defense, she also sends Time, Newsweek, The Nation, and other magazines for the intelligentsia which I read out in the living room in front of a roaring fire. I did ask her to stop sending Reader's Digest.)


Patrick Swayze in Donnie Darko


Having said that, I just caught up with Patrick Swayze's death. I always liked him. I didn't LOVE him. I liked him. He was very good as the motivational speaker with pedophiliac tendencies in Donnie Darko. He also played a drag queen in 1995's To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar. The movie was ostensibly groundbreaking as major Hollywood stars (including a muscular Wesley Snipes and a manic John Leguizamo) took the lead as drag queens for the first time. The movie is not believable by any stretch of the imagination. It's not even that great (certainly when compared to the earlier and much better Australian effort The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert) but it does boast good performances by Stockard Channing and a host of A-list supporting actors.

As I wandered in and out of consciousness waiting for the film to end I wondered how they contacted Julie Newmar to tell her they were naming a movie after her. I imagine it went something like this.



Julie we're naming a movie after you.

You're kidding me. You're naming a movie after me. What's it called?

To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar

That's wonderful. I don't know what to say. I don't know what it means but it's wonderful. You are the sweetest, nicest guys. Thank you for naming a movie after me. Can I get something for it?

What do you mean?

Well, you're naming a movie after me; people are going to come and see it because my name is in the title. How about a point off the top. And 75 % of the gross? Something. Anything because my name's on it.

A point? 75% of the gross? That's a lot Julie. Especially when compared to the amount of people that will come and see it because your name is in the title. How about if we pay you a one time fee?

One time fee? And you get to use my name whenever, whenever?

Yea, we don't have a lot of money.

OK.

We'll even give you a cameo.

A one time fee and a small yet pivotal role?

Yes.

A million dollars.

Um, that's alot. Patrick Swayze isn't even making that much. 50,000?

OK. 50,000 and I'll do it.

You drive a hard bargain.

I'm Julie Newmar.



RIP Patrick Swayze.




Saturday, November 21, 2009

More than 3 Lines About the Film 2012

I ventured to a public movie theater to see 2012, hoping for a throwback to classics of the genre like The Poseidon Adventure and Earthquake. The closest they got was a story line concerning the classic Mona Lisa painting that left me hanging about the ultimate fate of the hallowed piece of art. But more so than that - the movie is really terrible. Some points I thought about during the time it took me to finish this three hour snooze fest. Spoilers below but it's not rocket science.

  • President Danny Glover called a presidential summit that looked like Hollywood Squares.

  • The geologist's phone call saying goodbye to his Dad was treacly and cringe-inducing.

  • The digital fire was VERY red.

  • John Cusack fell into a crack in the earth and was hanging on by his hands. The edit went from his fingers on the top of the cliff to his feet jumping back on soil like we should imagine how he made it back up and move on.

  • The Sex Guru from the extremely funny The Guru creates havoc as a geologist.

The most exciting part of the movie was trying to make my box of Raisinettes last the entire three hours. I didn't - so I went to the bathroom, got a drink of water, bought a New York pretzel, looked at the New Movies posters, walked back into the theatre and STILL the earth was being destroyed. OMG, there's more?


  • The special effects are really sucky. You can feel the line around the actors who were filmed on green screen while a flat CGI image is placed behind them.

  • Amanda Peet was in a horrifying natural disaster and asked the Danish girl to do something but still, as the world was falling around them, Amanda remembered to say please; that was nice.

  • If I heard can't start the engine until we lower the gate one more time I was really going to vomit.

  • Towards the end, those in the ark were watching the disaster occurrences on TV as we were in the theatre watching them on a screen watching the disaster occurrences on TV. We paid but they got paid.

  • I found it odd that we were following the little girl's incontinence issues throughout the movie. But still and all, at the end (SPOILER) when the little girl said, 'No more Pull-Ups' I was pleased she had gotten over her issues. Think of it though, the world is destroyed and I'm living on an ark from which I might never be able to leave? I might choose this time to START pissing my pants rather than to remove my Pull-Ups.

The Palin 2012 movie trailer recently on Saturday Night Live was much more enjoyable. And at 1:54 much less of an infringement on your time.

In a Clothing-Optional Hot Springs

WARNING: This entry contains puerile words some might consider offensive.
During a stay at Wilbur Hot Springs you spend the bulk of your time traversing the path between a beautifully restored hotel built in 1865 and a bathing area that contains six temperature controlled pools filled with fresh mountain mineral water: 75, 98, 102, 106, 110 and a cold plunge of 55.


Right click image in a new tab to enlarge.


The hotel and spa grounds are located deep in the foothills of the Northern California Coastal Range (no cell phones allowed). In the hotel, the kitchen and baths are communal, organized and clean. The rooms have no locks, and everyone follows the rules of the commune (as it were). But there's always someone and, of course, someone was using a cell phone.



I was in the Top Chef-style kitchen quietly preparing an almond butter, blueberry conserves and pumpernickel bread sandwich with a tall glass of cold vanilla rice milk (sinfully delicious). One other guest was doing something while making inconsistent and inexplicable chatter with me.

Girl: (laughing) I'm cleaning the kitchen.

Me (quizzically looking around): Uh. Yea. Cool.

Girl: Gotta. Gotta keep it clean.

Me: Yea. Gotta. (laughing nervously as I wondered WTF?)

Not you! she said, glaring at me.

Not me? Huh? I took my plate and hightailed it out to the dining room where I noticed the person with whom she arrived (you know these things at a clothing-optional hot springs) speaking into a cell phone. I then realized that the girl in the kitchen was talking to her friend in the dining room using a Bluetooth-enabled ear bud. Now I get it.

Clothing-optional hot springs bitch, you're breaking the rules.



Although Wilbur Hot Springs is a place for reflection and serenity, you also see a lot of ta-ta's and schlongs by the hot spring pools (the only place on the grounds where clothing is NOT required). It's equal opportunity gazing for all so I took advantage of it - with stealth, of course. After all, when am I ever going to see the female body this unencumbered again?

I made chit-chat with two exquisitely sculpted women who were a couple. These women were real and they were spectacular. I couldn't take my eyes off of them. But aside from an attempt at humor (that they enjoyed), I held no interest to them.

Who am I again?



There were a number of straight couples and I wondered what schlong gazing meant to the straight men. Were they looking at the other schlongs for the same reason I was looking at the ta-ta's? Like when am I ever going to see the male body this unencumbered again? Was it arousing to them? Even a little? If I pretended I was a straight man staying at Wilbur Hot Springs, I would find it arousing.

I remember who I am now.

Lest you think that going to a clothing-optional hot springs is all tata's and schlongs, it's also a natural sanctuary with foot trails, hot and healing mineral baths, and a quiet, introspective place to read and relax. The tata's and schlongs are just stuff to take your mind off your introspection; too much introspection makes Jack (sic) a dull boy. Check out their web site.




Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Grandma Moses is Not Whistler's Mother



I used to get my Grandma Moses and my Whistler's Mother mixed up. True one was a self-taught artist and one was an old lady in a painting but they both sit in a chair.



Then I read Otto Kallir's Grandma Moses.



I know who is who now.






Sunday, November 15, 2009

I'm Walking Max: Blook 1

For years I've had this idea of writing a book called I'm Walking Max. For years I've been collecting objects d'Max for a Max Museum blog. Finally, I got the bright idea of walking Max online. I took the book, married it with a blog and decided to write a blook.

Blook 1: I Am Max's Manciple