Two Stale Farts or, The Night I Met Madonna

I was in a Goodwill store recently and found a copy of the 7-inch single Two Of Hearts by Stacy Q. Two Of Hearts was a huge hit in 1986, reaching #3 on the Billboard Hot 100. Seeing the single reminded me of the night I met Madonna and Sandra Bernhard. Here's how it went down.
Being more of a rocker Two Of Hearts never impressed me. The song was Madonna-esque and Stacey Q had unfortunately shucked her career as lead singer for the excellent synth-pop band SSQ for this piffle. My friend Russell was of the same mind and we made up lyrics that we sang whenever we heard the song - which in 1986 happened a lot. Two stale farts
Two farts that stank the room
Two stale farts
We passed 'em, we passed 'em
Two stale farts
Two farts that stank the room
Two stale farts
Ka-boom, ka-boom That year, Russell had participated in the Los Angeles AIDS walk and thus was invited to the after party; I was his plus one. At some point in the evening we found ourselves on stage standing behind Madonna and Sandra Bernhard. We were schmitten and wanted to say something but didn't know what that might be. (I was a huge Sandra Bernhard fan having experienced her oeuvre in July of 1984 when she walked on stage at The Bottom Line - to thunderous applause - and regaled the audience by saying Don't pull a Madonna on me. Don't push me over the borderline.) As Russell and I poked, prodded and nudged each other, mouthing things like Go ahead and You say something, the ubiquitous Two of Hearts started blaring out of the speakers. The crowd on the dance floor roared its approval but Madonna leaned over to Sandra and said I hate this song. Russell and I looked at each other and when the chorus started, so did we. Two stale farts
Two farts that stank the room
Two stale farts
We passed 'em, we passed 'em
Two stale farts
Two farts that stank the room
Two stale farts
Ka-boom, ka-boom As we finished, Madonna and Sandra turned to look at us and busted out laughing. We hate this song, I said. Russell, ever the charmer, thanked Madonna for lending her support to the fight against AIDS. I leaned into Sandra and said I'm gonna pull a Madonna on you. I'm gonna push you over the borderline. Sandra cracked up while Madonna looked at her quizzically. I'll explain later, Sandra said. We then had a group hug, sang It's A Long Way To Tipperary, and disappeared separately into the night.

OK, so there was no group hug but I've often wondered if, in the limousine on their way home that night, Madonna turned to Sandra and asked What did that tall guy say to you?

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