Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Heart's Magazine: The SPARTY 1024 LP
It was spring, 1977, I was just 18, and I was walking down 7th Avenue to Penn Station. It had been a rough week. Magazine, the long player that Mushroom Records had released without the cooperation of the group Heart, had been pulled off the shelves. No doubt, despite being their biggest fan, I wouldn't be seeing a copy of that LP any time soon.
As had been my wont when traversing this stretch of 7th Avenue, I stopped into a small record store I knew on the way to the train depot. (It might have been a J&R Music Annex on the west side maybe at 36th Street.) While nonchalantly browsing through the rock bin I happened upon the Heart divider, looked inside and was taken aback. There was a copy of Heart's Magazine.
But the cardboard used for the album jacket felt thin? And there was a little white sticker on the jacket back that was blank? And the jacket itself was unwrapped but placed in a plastic sleeve? After a moment of consternation, I realized it was different from what I was accustomed to in the United States - plus the jacket back mentioned something about London. I've since found out that 50,000 copies of Mushroom's original release of Magazine had been pressed for North America. Some of these were sold in stores, mostly in Los Angeles and Hollywood, Florida. But the album was also briefly released in Europe through Arista Records (under catalog identifier SPARTY 1024). What I had found was an imported copy of this European release - my first store-bought import. I refer to this LP as Magazine (The SPARTY 1024 LP) when it comes up in casual conversation.
Heart had a contract with Mushroom Records for two albums. Magazine was originally intended to follow-up their 1976 Mushroom debut Dreamboat Annie. The group began recording 5 songs that would have been part of this second album. Then, Shelly Siegel took out an ad in Rolling Stone to congratulate the respective successes of the group and his company. The ad showed a picture of Heart group members (and sisters) Ann and Nancy Wilson bare-shouldered with the suggestive caption, It was only our first time.
None to pleased with this advertisement, Heart also felt that they had now proven themselves as hit-makers and expected Mushroom to act accordingly and raise their contracted royalty rate. To the surprise of the group and their producer, Mike Flicker, the label refused to pay more and decided not to release a second Heart album. Flicker ended his relationship with the label and Heart followed, believing they had no obligation to stay without their producer. They accepted a more lucrative offer from CBS Records (now Sony BMG) subsidiary, Portrait Records and began preparing Little Queen - seemingly breaching the contract with Mushroom.
Shelly Siegel though believed Mushroom had the legal right to release a second Heart album so he compiled the rough mixes of the 5 studio recordings (Devil Delight, the single Heartless, the Badfinger chestnut Without You, Magazine and Just the Wine), B-side Here Song and three live songs recorded in 1975 at the Aquarius Tavern and released the collection as Magazine. The back cover of the LP carries a disclaimer.
Unhappy with the demo-like-quality of the release, Heart took Mushroom to court to stop the sale of the album. The Seattle court ruled that Mushroom had to recall the album and unsold copies were reportedly destroyed. When the dust settled, the judge found in Mushroom's favor and required that Heart honor their contract and provide a second album. Heart chose to fulfill this obligation by working with the original Magazine tapes: remixing the songs, adding new lead vocals and editing. Reportedly, Mushroom employed a security guard to make sure that the group didn't try to erase the multitrack master tapes while in the studio.
The official revised version of the album was released with a different track sequence (and no disclaimer) in April 1978. Heart was never particularly happy with the album's sound but nevertheless it peaked at number 17 on the Billboard album chart and sold over a million copies. Heartless was a Top 40 hit. In the early 1980s Mushroom Records went out of business, and Heart's two albums for the label were purchased and re-issued by Capitol Records.
Which brings us back to the spring of 1977 and me holding the now rare long player Magazine, the SPARTY 1024 LP with disclaimer. I ran to the cash register, ran out of the store, ran to Penn Station, and ran up and down the aisles of the train as it chugged along past Merrick, Bellmore, Wantagh, Seaford and Massapequa to stop at Massapequa Park. I finally made it home and dropped the platter on the turntable. Those very tunes i heard that day are the very same ones I've now posted as Heart_Magazine_SPARTY_1024_Vinyl. Find the links in the first comment below. E-mail me if you have issues.
CONCERNED PARTIES: These files are uploaded for historical purposes only as part of the multimediacal musings. Sorry but it's part and parcel when tapped as the subject of a blography. Please don't hurt me.
As had been my wont when traversing this stretch of 7th Avenue, I stopped into a small record store I knew on the way to the train depot. (It might have been a J&R Music Annex on the west side maybe at 36th Street.) While nonchalantly browsing through the rock bin I happened upon the Heart divider, looked inside and was taken aback. There was a copy of Heart's Magazine.
But the cardboard used for the album jacket felt thin? And there was a little white sticker on the jacket back that was blank? And the jacket itself was unwrapped but placed in a plastic sleeve? After a moment of consternation, I realized it was different from what I was accustomed to in the United States - plus the jacket back mentioned something about London. I've since found out that 50,000 copies of Mushroom's original release of Magazine had been pressed for North America. Some of these were sold in stores, mostly in Los Angeles and Hollywood, Florida. But the album was also briefly released in Europe through Arista Records (under catalog identifier SPARTY 1024). What I had found was an imported copy of this European release - my first store-bought import. I refer to this LP as Magazine (The SPARTY 1024 LP) when it comes up in casual conversation.
Heart had a contract with Mushroom Records for two albums. Magazine was originally intended to follow-up their 1976 Mushroom debut Dreamboat Annie. The group began recording 5 songs that would have been part of this second album. Then, Shelly Siegel took out an ad in Rolling Stone to congratulate the respective successes of the group and his company. The ad showed a picture of Heart group members (and sisters) Ann and Nancy Wilson bare-shouldered with the suggestive caption, It was only our first time.
According to legend, after one live appearance when a reporter suggested that the sisters were sexual partners, Ann returned to her hotel room and wrote the lyrics to Barracuda to relieve her frustration. Thanks to Retrospace for the infamous ad. I searched this here internet for hours looking for a scan before coming across the blog.
None to pleased with this advertisement, Heart also felt that they had now proven themselves as hit-makers and expected Mushroom to act accordingly and raise their contracted royalty rate. To the surprise of the group and their producer, Mike Flicker, the label refused to pay more and decided not to release a second Heart album. Flicker ended his relationship with the label and Heart followed, believing they had no obligation to stay without their producer. They accepted a more lucrative offer from CBS Records (now Sony BMG) subsidiary, Portrait Records and began preparing Little Queen - seemingly breaching the contract with Mushroom.
Shelly Siegel though believed Mushroom had the legal right to release a second Heart album so he compiled the rough mixes of the 5 studio recordings (Devil Delight, the single Heartless, the Badfinger chestnut Without You, Magazine and Just the Wine), B-side Here Song and three live songs recorded in 1975 at the Aquarius Tavern and released the collection as Magazine. The back cover of the LP carries a disclaimer.
Mushroom Records regrets that a contractual dispute has made it necessary to complete this record without the cooperation or endorsement of the group Heart, who have expressly disclaimed artistic involvement in completing this record. We did not feel that a contractual dispute should prevent the public from hearing and enjoying these incredible tunes and recordings.
Unhappy with the demo-like-quality of the release, Heart took Mushroom to court to stop the sale of the album. The Seattle court ruled that Mushroom had to recall the album and unsold copies were reportedly destroyed. When the dust settled, the judge found in Mushroom's favor and required that Heart honor their contract and provide a second album. Heart chose to fulfill this obligation by working with the original Magazine tapes: remixing the songs, adding new lead vocals and editing. Reportedly, Mushroom employed a security guard to make sure that the group didn't try to erase the multitrack master tapes while in the studio.
The official revised version of the album was released with a different track sequence (and no disclaimer) in April 1978. Heart was never particularly happy with the album's sound but nevertheless it peaked at number 17 on the Billboard album chart and sold over a million copies. Heartless was a Top 40 hit. In the early 1980s Mushroom Records went out of business, and Heart's two albums for the label were purchased and re-issued by Capitol Records.
Which brings us back to the spring of 1977 and me holding the now rare long player Magazine, the SPARTY 1024 LP with disclaimer. I ran to the cash register, ran out of the store, ran to Penn Station, and ran up and down the aisles of the train as it chugged along past Merrick, Bellmore, Wantagh, Seaford and Massapequa to stop at Massapequa Park. I finally made it home and dropped the platter on the turntable. Those very tunes i heard that day are the very same ones I've now posted as Heart_Magazine_SPARTY_1024_Vinyl. Find the links in the first comment below. E-mail me if you have issues.
CONCERNED PARTIES: These files are uploaded for historical purposes only as part of the multimediacal musings. Sorry but it's part and parcel when tapped as the subject of a blography. Please don't hurt me.
Track listing - 1977 Release
"Heartless" (Ann Wilson, Nancy Wilson) – 5:00
"Without You" (Peter Ham, Tom Evans) – 4:44
"Just The Wine" (A. Wilson, N. Wilson) – 4:30
"Magazine" (A. Wilson, N. Wilson) – 6:55
"Here Song" (A. Wilson) – 1:35
"Devil Delight" (A. Wilson, N. Wilson) – 4:58
"Blues Medley" – 7:11
(Mother Earth) (You Shook Me Babe)
(Peter Chapman, Lewis Simkin, Willie Dixon)
"I've Got The Music In Me" (Bias Boshell) – 6:01
Track listing - 1978 Release
"Heartless" (A. Wilson, N. Wilson) – 5:02
"Devil Delight" (A. Wilson, N. Wilson) – 5:00
"Just The Wine" (A. Wilson, N. Wilson) – 4:16
"Without You" (Ham, Evans) – 4:42
"Magazine" (A. Wilson, N. Wilson) – 6:22
"Here Song" (A. Wilson) – 1:34
"Mother Earth Blues" (Chapman, Simkin, Dixon)
– 5:59
"I've Got The Music In Me" (Boshell) – 6:18
Performers
Ann Wilson: vocals, guitar, keyboards,
violin, flute
Nancy Wilson: vocals, guitar, piano
Michael DeRosier: drums
Roger Fisher: guitar, steel guitar
Steve Fossen: bass guitar, percussion
Howard Leese: guitar, keyboards,
synthesizer, vocals
Thursday, December 17, 2009
It Was the Wrong Item
I bought a USB 2.0 to IDE/SATA adapter cable the other day at MicroCenter, Santa Clara, CA. I took it home, opened my 13 years Mac G3 with its handy dandy side handle and plugged the cable into the internal hard drive - hoping to create access to the unknown but probably brilliant artifacts that might lie with on it.
I plugged in the power cord. I plugged in the 3.5" optical drive plug. The hard drive starts into whirring. But nothing miraculous appeared on my desktop. It was supposed to be so easy. Through further inspection there seemed to be a missing pin on the male side of the drive plug. Was that the reason the hard drive was not appearing? I don't know but whatever the reason, it was obviously not working.
So I brought the cable back to MicroCenter, pristinely repackaged in like new condition to avoid a 15% restocking fee (which would've pissed me off to no end). The customer service rep (as it stated on Kelsey's name tag) asked me what the matter was with the item.
Well, it was actually missing a pin from what my hard drive had so it didn't work for my purposes. It wasn't the right item for me.
Kelsey checked off Customer didn't want. I noticed another option, Wrong item, that seemed more in line with my situation.
Uh, Kelsey, I said it was not the right item. I would love this cable if it were, in fact, the right item for my purposes. But it is not. It is the wrong item.
Yea?
Well, Customer didn't want makes it seem like I'm being belligerent or something. But I'm not. I just bought the wrong item.
Do you want it?
No.
Here's your receipt. We've credited 17.46 back to your American Express.
Thank you.
Next!
I plugged in the power cord. I plugged in the 3.5" optical drive plug. The hard drive starts into whirring. But nothing miraculous appeared on my desktop. It was supposed to be so easy. Through further inspection there seemed to be a missing pin on the male side of the drive plug. Was that the reason the hard drive was not appearing? I don't know but whatever the reason, it was obviously not working.
So I brought the cable back to MicroCenter, pristinely repackaged in like new condition to avoid a 15% restocking fee (which would've pissed me off to no end). The customer service rep (as it stated on Kelsey's name tag) asked me what the matter was with the item.
Well, it was actually missing a pin from what my hard drive had so it didn't work for my purposes. It wasn't the right item for me.
Kelsey checked off Customer didn't want. I noticed another option, Wrong item, that seemed more in line with my situation.
Uh, Kelsey, I said it was not the right item. I would love this cable if it were, in fact, the right item for my purposes. But it is not. It is the wrong item.
Yea?
Well, Customer didn't want makes it seem like I'm being belligerent or something. But I'm not. I just bought the wrong item.
Do you want it?
No.
Here's your receipt. We've credited 17.46 back to your American Express.
Thank you.
Next!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Starbucks Green Tea Latte or an Onion Smoothie?
In Starbucks they have a Tea Latte listed on the menu. Flavors include black, green, and earl gray. What a great idea! Those are strong tasting teas worthy of some milk and foam which which to temper the dirty tasting properties? So I asked the Starbucks barrister what was in a Green Tea Latte?
It turns out that my idea of a Green Tea Latte is quite different from Howard Schultz, director of research and development at Starbucks.
It's a green tea mix that we add syrup to.
Matcha (or 抹茶 as some parts of the world know it) is the mix Starbucks uses. It is REAL green tea in powder form. The Japanese tea ceremony centers on the preparation, serving, and drinking of matcha. Matcha is now also used to flavour and dye foods such as green tea ice cream and a variety of wagashi (Japanese candy). Unfortunately, Starbucks mixes the matcha it whips up in a small Japanese tea ceremony with sugar. And in the mix that is sent to its over 15,000 stores worldwide, there is more sugar than matcha. Then to further assault the senses (and the waistline), the barrister adds melon syrup to the newly anointed Tazo Green Tea Latte.
I'll take a cappucino, thank you.
I decided against the ill-matched matcha. But from each experience we must learn. So I will try something new and exciting in my morning cup of green tea (so I drink less coffee). I shouldn't have to force down a drink that tastes like dirt just because it is good for me. And I shouldn't have to add a pound of sugar to my diet to get something refreshing. Although I have done worse - imagine an onion smoothie. (Onions are low in calories, fat and sodium, and a good source of fiber, vitamin B6, vitamin C, and potassium. And I thought the blueberries would overpower it.)
Maybe I'll add some rice milk (which I find sinfully refreshing). How about some orange juice - which I've heard is good for the over 50 male kidney. (Do you know what I mean?) Maybe I'll whip it, whip it first. Do da da da dah.
But don't knock the matcha - just don't buy it at Starbucks.
It turns out that my idea of a Green Tea Latte is quite different from Howard Schultz, director of research and development at Starbucks.
It's a green tea mix that we add syrup to.
Matcha (or 抹茶 as some parts of the world know it) is the mix Starbucks uses. It is REAL green tea in powder form. The Japanese tea ceremony centers on the preparation, serving, and drinking of matcha. Matcha is now also used to flavour and dye foods such as green tea ice cream and a variety of wagashi (Japanese candy). Unfortunately, Starbucks mixes the matcha it whips up in a small Japanese tea ceremony with sugar. And in the mix that is sent to its over 15,000 stores worldwide, there is more sugar than matcha. Then to further assault the senses (and the waistline), the barrister adds melon syrup to the newly anointed Tazo Green Tea Latte.
I'll take a cappucino, thank you.
I decided against the ill-matched matcha. But from each experience we must learn. So I will try something new and exciting in my morning cup of green tea (so I drink less coffee). I shouldn't have to force down a drink that tastes like dirt just because it is good for me. And I shouldn't have to add a pound of sugar to my diet to get something refreshing. Although I have done worse - imagine an onion smoothie. (Onions are low in calories, fat and sodium, and a good source of fiber, vitamin B6, vitamin C, and potassium. And I thought the blueberries would overpower it.)
Maybe I'll add some rice milk (which I find sinfully refreshing). How about some orange juice - which I've heard is good for the over 50 male kidney. (Do you know what I mean?) Maybe I'll whip it, whip it first. Do da da da dah.
But don't knock the matcha - just don't buy it at Starbucks.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
The Kitchen
I spent all day cleaning the house and the kitchen: doing the laundry, washing the dishes, wiping the counter, putting things away, cleaning the stove top, throwing out the garbage, recycling the recyclables - generally being green. Then I took this picture.
Man was I impressed.
I put the soda can down to take the picture. And the cycle begins again.
Man was I impressed.
I put the soda can down to take the picture. And the cycle begins again.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
To Patrick Swayze, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar
For years my mother has shipped to me via Media Mail the magazines that she reads on a weekly basis. Because of that I have a pile high of magazines like In Style, Hello, US, and OK in the bathroom because I only read the gossip rags when I'm on the can so I can wash my hands afterwards. (In her defense, she also sends Time, Newsweek, The Nation, and other magazines for the intelligentsia which I read out in the living room in front of a roaring fire. I did ask her to stop sending Reader's Digest.)
Patrick Swayze in Donnie Darko
Having said that, I just caught up with Patrick Swayze's death. I always liked him. I didn't LOVE him. I liked him. He was very good as the motivational speaker with pedophiliac tendencies in Donnie Darko. He also played a drag queen in 1995's To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar. The movie was ostensibly groundbreaking as major Hollywood stars (including a muscular Wesley Snipes and a manic John Leguizamo) took the lead as drag queens for the first time. The movie is not believable by any stretch of the imagination. It's not even that great (certainly when compared to the earlier and much better Australian effort The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert) but it does boast good performances by Stockard Channing and a host of A-list supporting actors.
As I wandered in and out of consciousness waiting for the film to end I wondered how they contacted Julie Newmar to tell her they were naming a movie after her. I imagine it went something like this.
Julie we're naming a movie after you.
You're kidding me. You're naming a movie after me. What's it called?
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar
That's wonderful. I don't know what to say. I don't know what it means but it's wonderful. You are the sweetest, nicest guys. Thank you for naming a movie after me. Can I get something for it?
What do you mean?
Well, you're naming a movie after me; people are going to come and see it because my name is in the title. How about a point off the top. And 75 % of the gross? Something. Anything because my name's on it.
A point? 75% of the gross? That's a lot Julie. Especially when compared to the amount of people that will come and see it because your name is in the title. How about if we pay you a one time fee?
One time fee? And you get to use my name whenever, whenever?
Yea, we don't have a lot of money.
OK.
We'll even give you a cameo.
A one time fee and a small yet pivotal role?
Yes.
A million dollars.
Um, that's alot. Patrick Swayze isn't even making that much. 50,000?
OK. 50,000 and I'll do it.
You drive a hard bargain.
I'm Julie Newmar.
RIP Patrick Swayze.
Patrick Swayze in Donnie Darko
Having said that, I just caught up with Patrick Swayze's death. I always liked him. I didn't LOVE him. I liked him. He was very good as the motivational speaker with pedophiliac tendencies in Donnie Darko. He also played a drag queen in 1995's To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar. The movie was ostensibly groundbreaking as major Hollywood stars (including a muscular Wesley Snipes and a manic John Leguizamo) took the lead as drag queens for the first time. The movie is not believable by any stretch of the imagination. It's not even that great (certainly when compared to the earlier and much better Australian effort The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert) but it does boast good performances by Stockard Channing and a host of A-list supporting actors.
As I wandered in and out of consciousness waiting for the film to end I wondered how they contacted Julie Newmar to tell her they were naming a movie after her. I imagine it went something like this.
Julie we're naming a movie after you.
You're kidding me. You're naming a movie after me. What's it called?
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar
That's wonderful. I don't know what to say. I don't know what it means but it's wonderful. You are the sweetest, nicest guys. Thank you for naming a movie after me. Can I get something for it?
What do you mean?
Well, you're naming a movie after me; people are going to come and see it because my name is in the title. How about a point off the top. And 75 % of the gross? Something. Anything because my name's on it.
A point? 75% of the gross? That's a lot Julie. Especially when compared to the amount of people that will come and see it because your name is in the title. How about if we pay you a one time fee?
One time fee? And you get to use my name whenever, whenever?
Yea, we don't have a lot of money.
OK.
We'll even give you a cameo.
A one time fee and a small yet pivotal role?
Yes.
A million dollars.
Um, that's alot. Patrick Swayze isn't even making that much. 50,000?
OK. 50,000 and I'll do it.
You drive a hard bargain.
I'm Julie Newmar.
RIP Patrick Swayze.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
More than 3 Lines About the Film 2012
I ventured to a public movie theater to see 2012, hoping for a throwback to classics of the genre like The Poseidon Adventure and Earthquake. The closest they got was a story line concerning the classic Mona Lisa painting that left me hanging about the ultimate fate of the hallowed piece of art. But more so than that - the movie is really terrible. Some points I thought about during the time it took me to finish this three hour snooze fest. Spoilers below but it's not rocket science.
The most exciting part of the movie was trying to make my box of Raisinettes last the entire three hours. I didn't - so I went to the bathroom, got a drink of water, bought a New York pretzel, looked at the New Movies posters, walked back into the theatre and STILL the earth was being destroyed. OMG, there's more?
The Palin 2012 movie trailer recently on Saturday Night Live was much more enjoyable. And at 1:54 much less of an infringement on your time.
- President Danny Glover called a presidential summit that looked like Hollywood Squares.
- The geologist's phone call saying goodbye to his Dad was treacly and cringe-inducing.
- The digital fire was VERY red.
- John Cusack fell into a crack in the earth and was hanging on by his hands. The edit went from his fingers on the top of the cliff to his feet jumping back on soil like we should imagine how he made it back up and move on.
- The Sex Guru from the extremely funny The Guru creates havoc as a geologist.
The most exciting part of the movie was trying to make my box of Raisinettes last the entire three hours. I didn't - so I went to the bathroom, got a drink of water, bought a New York pretzel, looked at the New Movies posters, walked back into the theatre and STILL the earth was being destroyed. OMG, there's more?
- The special effects are really sucky. You can feel the line around the actors who were filmed on green screen while a flat CGI image is placed behind them.
- Amanda Peet was in a horrifying natural disaster and asked the Danish girl to do something but still, as the world was falling around them, Amanda remembered to say please; that was nice.
- If I heard can't start the engine until we lower the gate one more time I was really going to vomit.
- Towards the end, those in the ark were watching the disaster occurrences on TV as we were in the theatre watching them on a screen watching the disaster occurrences on TV. We paid but they got paid.
- I found it odd that we were following the little girl's incontinence issues throughout the movie. But still and all, at the end (SPOILER) when the little girl said, 'No more Pull-Ups' I was pleased she had gotten over her issues. Think of it though, the world is destroyed and I'm living on an ark from which I might never be able to leave? I might choose this time to START pissing my pants rather than to remove my Pull-Ups.
The Palin 2012 movie trailer recently on Saturday Night Live was much more enjoyable. And at 1:54 much less of an infringement on your time.
Friday, November 20, 2009
In a Clothing-optional Hot Springs
When at Wilbur Hot Springs you spend the bulk of your time traversing the path between a beautifully restored hotel built in 1865 and a bathing area that contains six temperature controlled pools filled with fresh mountain mineral water: 75, 98, 102, 106, 110 and a cold plunge of 55.
The hotel, kitchen and bath are located deep in the mountains (no cell phone coverage), are communal and organized and clean. The rooms have no locks, and everyone follows the rules of the commune as it were - but there's always someone. And, of course, that someone was using a cell phone.
I was in the kitchen quietly preparing an almond butter, blueberry conserves and pumpernickel bread sandwich with a tall glass of cold vanilla rice milk (a drink that I find sinfully delicious). Another guest was preparing her meal and seemed to be making inconsistent and inexplicable chatter with me.
Girl: (laughing) I'm cleaning the kitchen.
Me (quizzically looking around): Uh. Yea. Cool.
Girl: Gotta. Gotta keep it clean.
Me: Yea. Gotta. (laughing nervously as I wondered why the hell she was talking to me)
Girl (glaring at me): Not you.
Me: (looking at her): Not me? Huh? What?
I took my plate and hightailed it out of the kitchen to the dining room where I noticed the person with whom she arrived (you get to know these things at a clothing-optional hot springs) speaking into a cell phone. I then realized that the girl in the kitchen was talking to her friend in the dining room using a Bluetooth-enabled ear bud. Not you. Now I get it.
Clothing-optional hot springs bitch.
Wilbur Hot Springs is a place for reflection and serenity although, when spending time there, you also see a lot of ta-ta's and schlongs. It's equal opportunity gazing for all and I took advantage of it. When am I ever going to see the female body this unencumbered again?
I made chit-chat with two exquisitely sculpted women who were a couple. These women were real and they were spectacular. I couldn't take my eyes off of them. But aside from my attempt at humor in the kitchen (they enjoyed it) I seemed to hold no interest to them.
Who am I again?
There were a number of straight couples and I wondered what schlong gazing meant to the straight men. (We know it means nothing to the straight women.) Were they looking at the other schlongs for the same reason I was looking at the ta-ta's? Like when am I ever going to see the male body this unencumbered again? Was it arousing to them? Even a little. Well it was to me just thinking about it. That night I was touching my partner and he was not receptive. He was sleeping. So I pretended he was a straight man from WIlbur Hot Springs.
Good times.
The hotel, kitchen and bath are located deep in the mountains (no cell phone coverage), are communal and organized and clean. The rooms have no locks, and everyone follows the rules of the commune as it were - but there's always someone. And, of course, that someone was using a cell phone.
I was in the kitchen quietly preparing an almond butter, blueberry conserves and pumpernickel bread sandwich with a tall glass of cold vanilla rice milk (a drink that I find sinfully delicious). Another guest was preparing her meal and seemed to be making inconsistent and inexplicable chatter with me.
Girl: (laughing) I'm cleaning the kitchen.
Me (quizzically looking around): Uh. Yea. Cool.
Girl: Gotta. Gotta keep it clean.
Me: Yea. Gotta. (laughing nervously as I wondered why the hell she was talking to me)
Girl (glaring at me): Not you.
Me: (looking at her): Not me? Huh? What?
I took my plate and hightailed it out of the kitchen to the dining room where I noticed the person with whom she arrived (you get to know these things at a clothing-optional hot springs) speaking into a cell phone. I then realized that the girl in the kitchen was talking to her friend in the dining room using a Bluetooth-enabled ear bud. Not you. Now I get it.
Clothing-optional hot springs bitch.
Wilbur Hot Springs is a place for reflection and serenity although, when spending time there, you also see a lot of ta-ta's and schlongs. It's equal opportunity gazing for all and I took advantage of it. When am I ever going to see the female body this unencumbered again?
I made chit-chat with two exquisitely sculpted women who were a couple. These women were real and they were spectacular. I couldn't take my eyes off of them. But aside from my attempt at humor in the kitchen (they enjoyed it) I seemed to hold no interest to them.
Who am I again?
There were a number of straight couples and I wondered what schlong gazing meant to the straight men. (We know it means nothing to the straight women.) Were they looking at the other schlongs for the same reason I was looking at the ta-ta's? Like when am I ever going to see the male body this unencumbered again? Was it arousing to them? Even a little. Well it was to me just thinking about it. That night I was touching my partner and he was not receptive. He was sleeping. So I pretended he was a straight man from WIlbur Hot Springs.
Good times.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Grandma Moses is Not Whistler's Mother
I used to get my Grandma Moses and my Whistler's Mother mixed up. True one was a self-taught artist and one was an old lady in a painting but they both sit in a chair.
Then I read Otto Kallir's Grandma Moses.
I know who is who now.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
I'm Walking Max: Blook 1
For years I've had this idea of writing a book called I'm Walking Max. For years I've been collecting objects d'Max for a Max Museum blog. Finally, I got the bright idea of walking Max online. I took the book, married it with a blog and decided to write a blook.
Blook 1: I Am Max's Manciple
Blook 1: I Am Max's Manciple
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Orange Alert, Non-Fat with Soy
I was waiting in the airport when some automated feminine voice informed me that the security alert had been raised to orange.
ORANGE! Oh my god. Get the troops. Look out for the Arabs. Guard your back. The security alert is orange. The reds are coming. We're all gonna die. AAAAAHhhhhhhh!!!
Then I wondered what the fuck orange meant.
Does anyone waiting for a flight know what the fuck orange means? Does anyone in this airport know what the fuck orange means? Hello?
The rest of the announcement asked us to watch for any suspicious behavior. Look out for any unattended bags. Listen in on the phone call of the person sitting next to you. Wait. I don't remember that last one but it sounds strangely familiar.
ORANGE! Oh my god. Get the troops. Look out for the Arabs. Guard your back. The security alert is orange. The reds are coming. We're all gonna die. AAAAAHhhhhhhh!!!
Then I wondered what the fuck orange meant.
Does anyone waiting for a flight know what the fuck orange means? Does anyone in this airport know what the fuck orange means? Hello?
The rest of the announcement asked us to watch for any suspicious behavior. Look out for any unattended bags. Listen in on the phone call of the person sitting next to you. Wait. I don't remember that last one but it sounds strangely familiar.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Tori Spelling: So Bargain Basement
I had bought a used copy of Tori Spelling's So Notorious television series because, in this video of Tori getting a parking ticket, she was so nice. The series was sweet and funnily self-deprecating - worth the time it took to watch it. When I was finished watching it, I brought the two discs in to sell them back to the kind folks at Rasputin Records. They gave me 10¢ (that's ten cents) for the set.
Oh how the mighty have fallen.
Oh how the mighty have fallen.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
The Spider and the Pope. The Spider and the Pope.
Hi ho the derry-o
The spider and the pope
Notwithstanding this recent video of the spider and the pope [sic], here are some common superstitions about spiders.
Notwithstanding the first eight misconceptions - too bad the pope [sic] didn't notice the intrusion and swat it off his lovely white gown.
The spider and the pope
Notwithstanding this recent video of the spider and the pope [sic], here are some common superstitions about spiders.
- If you see a spider climbing the wall you will have your dearest wish come true.
- If you see a spider spinning a web you will have an increase in your income due to hard work.
- When spiders spin their webs 'fore noon,
Sunny weather's coming soon. - When a spider is found upon our clothes, some money is coming towards us.
- A spider descending upon you from the roof is a token that you will soon have legacy from a friend.
- If a spider builds its web across your door, you can expect company.
- If you walk into a spider web, you will meet a friend that day.
- When a man fyndeth a spyder upon his gowne it is a synge to be that daye ryght happye.
- Kill a spider, bad luck yours will be
Until of flies you've swatted fifty-three.
Notwithstanding the first eight misconceptions - too bad the pope [sic] didn't notice the intrusion and swat it off his lovely white gown.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Alter Egos of the Atlanta Housewives
During this past week's episode, The Real Housewives of Atlanta debuted their alter ego photographs. Photographer Derek Blanks takes two photos of one person and creates a photo-montage to illustrate an underlying story or meaning.
Nene shows off both sides of her personality: as a stripper and as a prim and proper woman. Whether she is actually either of these remains to be seen but she sure plays both parts on TV. She seems the most realistic to what might be her true personage. Nene doesn't always start the drama but she certainly takes part in it.
I think Kim gets a bad rap. Yes, she is an idiot. Yes, she is NOT a good parent. Yes, she seems to have no talent or skill. In the end though I don't think she has any self-confidence which is where the bad stuff comes from. I could be wrong but I felt bad when she got all emotional in the studio. A brunette bob suits her role as the Stepford wife scoffing at her husband's mistress.
I like Kandi. She hasn't started any drama and seems to be nice and helpful - certainly with Kim in the recording studio. But she is also an idiot if she thinks her boyfriend is anything but a scrub. (Kandi wrote definition number one.) In her alter ego photo, Kandi decided to play up the drunk driving accident in which her family was recently involved; this is, at once, benevolent and self-serving.
Lisa is a bitch but not the worst on the show. She's also an opportunist (although all of the women on all of the Housewives shows are) and a greedy capitalist. Lisa plays up her bad and good sides in the photo. As a punk fighting a Girl Scout, she's better as the Girl Scout but that just shows what a good actress she is - not what a nice person she is.
What can one say about Sheree? She is the worst. For instance, she DID NOT make it to Lisa's fashion show - if she had, she wouldn't have had to ask to see the clothes at the after party. As directed by Nene, her desire for a 7 figure divorce settlement is at the core of her alter ego. Although her greed is the core of her personality, her sense of self is way overblown, and she does not have the body of a 25 year old - unless the 25 year old is a man with fake tits.
Nene shows off both sides of her personality: as a stripper and as a prim and proper woman. Whether she is actually either of these remains to be seen but she sure plays both parts on TV. She seems the most realistic to what might be her true personage. Nene doesn't always start the drama but she certainly takes part in it.
I think Kim gets a bad rap. Yes, she is an idiot. Yes, she is NOT a good parent. Yes, she seems to have no talent or skill. In the end though I don't think she has any self-confidence which is where the bad stuff comes from. I could be wrong but I felt bad when she got all emotional in the studio. A brunette bob suits her role as the Stepford wife scoffing at her husband's mistress.
I like Kandi. She hasn't started any drama and seems to be nice and helpful - certainly with Kim in the recording studio. But she is also an idiot if she thinks her boyfriend is anything but a scrub. (Kandi wrote definition number one.) In her alter ego photo, Kandi decided to play up the drunk driving accident in which her family was recently involved; this is, at once, benevolent and self-serving.
Lisa is a bitch but not the worst on the show. She's also an opportunist (although all of the women on all of the Housewives shows are) and a greedy capitalist. Lisa plays up her bad and good sides in the photo. As a punk fighting a Girl Scout, she's better as the Girl Scout but that just shows what a good actress she is - not what a nice person she is.
What can one say about Sheree? She is the worst. For instance, she DID NOT make it to Lisa's fashion show - if she had, she wouldn't have had to ask to see the clothes at the after party. As directed by Nene, her desire for a 7 figure divorce settlement is at the core of her alter ego. Although her greed is the core of her personality, her sense of self is way overblown, and she does not have the body of a 25 year old - unless the 25 year old is a man with fake tits.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
My Husband's Bill Shredder
George presented me with this bouquet of flowers from our garden so in the spirit of equality in love actions (whatever that means) here is the story of a bouquet of another sort I made for George.
George came into the kitchen with a 13 gallon trash bag full of old bills, bank statements, school transcripts, and medical records - some dating back even further than the seven years (this month) that we have lived together. We're talking decades.
What should I do with it? he asks.
I am a big proponent of shredding confidential papers. I shred everything AND I check my financial accounts twice weekly. Credit scores, twice a year. Identity theft is an ill from which I am trying to inoculate myself.
Georgie, on the other hand, would throw the bag out for pick up by the garbage man AS IS. The garbage man would then throw the bag on a landfill that is, to my mind, crawling with evildoers waiting to rip the bag open to find George's credit card bills and social security number which they would then sell to a richer, cleaner evildoer for purposes of thieving and identity theft. I couldn't let that horrible scenario happen to Georgie so I took the bag and sent him on his way.
Now generally, I shred my personal papers daily. When an item reaches my desk, I pick it up and decide: keep or throw? If it's throw, rip once, rip twice. Into the trash. No machine because my shredding needs are light and generally spread over time. This method works for me. But what I'm about to do.
I start shredding the papers in George's bag - ripping each envelope or bill, in half. Once. Twice. Once. Twice. Once. Twice. I worked my way through a bit of the bag and realized there was no way I was going to shred each and every one of these old papers. We are talking decades.
I didn't know what to do when I had an epiphany: I would clean out the refrigerator.
I took the bag and put it in a second plastic garbage bag for double security against spillage. I opened the refrigerator, and then a two week old pint of soy yogurt which I emptied into the bag. I emptied a three week old Tupperware of Tofurkey and vegetarian brown gravy leftovers into the bag. I dumped the moldy Costco raspberries into the bag. I dumped a baggy of slimy old mushrooms and a container of overripe watermelon into the bag. Then I poured the morning's coffee grounds AND the remains of the coffee itself into the bag. Finally I emptied Lucy's litter box and its contents into the bag for that certain bouquet. I tied the bag closed and shook it up and down to coat each piece (and I helped), took the bag outside, and threw it into a garbage bin for pickup.
Set a few days in there. Over to the landfill. Evildoers, have at it.
Lucy's other litter box
George came into the kitchen with a 13 gallon trash bag full of old bills, bank statements, school transcripts, and medical records - some dating back even further than the seven years (this month) that we have lived together. We're talking decades.
What should I do with it? he asks.
I am a big proponent of shredding confidential papers. I shred everything AND I check my financial accounts twice weekly. Credit scores, twice a year. Identity theft is an ill from which I am trying to inoculate myself.
Georgie, on the other hand, would throw the bag out for pick up by the garbage man AS IS. The garbage man would then throw the bag on a landfill that is, to my mind, crawling with evildoers waiting to rip the bag open to find George's credit card bills and social security number which they would then sell to a richer, cleaner evildoer for purposes of thieving and identity theft. I couldn't let that horrible scenario happen to Georgie so I took the bag and sent him on his way.
Now generally, I shred my personal papers daily. When an item reaches my desk, I pick it up and decide: keep or throw? If it's throw, rip once, rip twice. Into the trash. No machine because my shredding needs are light and generally spread over time. This method works for me. But what I'm about to do.
I start shredding the papers in George's bag - ripping each envelope or bill, in half. Once. Twice. Once. Twice. Once. Twice. I worked my way through a bit of the bag and realized there was no way I was going to shred each and every one of these old papers. We are talking decades.
I didn't know what to do when I had an epiphany: I would clean out the refrigerator.
I took the bag and put it in a second plastic garbage bag for double security against spillage. I opened the refrigerator, and then a two week old pint of soy yogurt which I emptied into the bag. I emptied a three week old Tupperware of Tofurkey and vegetarian brown gravy leftovers into the bag. I dumped the moldy Costco raspberries into the bag. I dumped a baggy of slimy old mushrooms and a container of overripe watermelon into the bag. Then I poured the morning's coffee grounds AND the remains of the coffee itself into the bag. Finally I emptied Lucy's litter box and its contents into the bag for that certain bouquet. I tied the bag closed and shook it up and down to coat each piece (and I helped), took the bag outside, and threw it into a garbage bin for pickup.
Set a few days in there. Over to the landfill. Evildoers, have at it.
Lucy's other litter box
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