Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Spider and the Pope. The Spider and the Pope.

Hi ho the derry-o
The spider and the pope

Notwithstanding this recent video of the spider and the pope [sic], here are some common superstitions about spiders.

  1. If you see a spider climbing the wall you will have your dearest wish come true.

  2. If you see a spider spinning a web you will have an increase in your income due to hard work.

  3. When spiders spin their webs 'fore noon,
    Sunny weather's coming soon.

  4. When a spider is found upon our clothes, some money is coming towards us.

  5. A spider descending upon you from the roof is a token that you will soon have legacy from a friend.

  6. If a spider builds its web across your door, you can expect company.

  7. If you walk into a spider web, you will meet a friend that day.

  8. When a man fyndeth a spyder upon his gowne it is a synge to be that daye ryght happye.

  9. Kill a spider, bad luck yours will be
    Until of flies you've swatted fifty-three.

Notwithstanding the first eight misconceptions - too bad the pope [sic] didn't notice the intrusion and swat it off his lovely white gown.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Alter Egos of the Atlanta Housewives

During this past week's episode, The Real Housewives of Atlanta debuted their alter ego photographs. Photographer Derek Blanks takes two photos of one person and creates a photo-montage to illustrate an underlying story or meaning.

Nene shows off both sides of her personality: as a stripper and as a prim and proper woman. Whether she is actually either of these remains to be seen but she sure plays both parts on TV. She seems the most realistic to what might be her true personage. Nene doesn't always start the drama but she certainly takes part in it.

I think Kim gets a bad rap. Yes, she is an idiot. Yes, she is NOT a good parent. Yes, she seems to have no talent or skill. In the end though I don't think she has any self-confidence which is where the bad stuff comes from. I could be wrong but I felt bad when she got all emotional in the studio. A brunette bob suits her role as the Stepford wife scoffing at her husband's mistress.

I like Kandi. She hasn't started any drama and seems to be nice and helpful - certainly with Kim in the recording studio. But she is also an idiot if she thinks her boyfriend is anything but a scrub. (Kandi wrote definition number one.) In her alter ego photo, Kandi decided to play up the drunk driving accident in which her family was recently involved; this is, at once, benevolent and self-serving.

Lisa is a bitch but not the worst on the show. She's also an opportunist (although all of the women on all of the Housewives shows are) and a greedy capitalist. Lisa plays up her bad and good sides in the photo. As a punk fighting a Girl Scout, she's better as the Girl Scout but that just shows what a good actress she is - not what a nice person she is.

What can one say about Sheree? She is the worst. For instance, she DID NOT make it to Lisa's fashion show - if she had, she wouldn't have had to ask to see the clothes at the after party. As directed by Nene, her desire for a 7 figure divorce settlement is at the core of her alter ego. Although her greed is the core of her personality, her sense of self is way overblown, and she does not have the body of a 25 year old - unless the 25 year old is a man with fake tits.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

My Husband's Bill Shredder

George presented me with this bouquet of flowers from our garden so in the spirit of equality in love actions (whatever that means) here is the story of a bouquet of another sort I made for George.

George came into the kitchen with a 13 gallon trash bag full of old bills, bank statements, school transcripts, and medical records - some dating back even further than the seven years (this month) that we have lived together. We're talking decades.

What should I do with it? he asks.

I am a big proponent of shredding confidential papers. I shred everything AND I check my financial accounts twice weekly. Credit scores, twice a year. Identity theft is an ill from which I am trying to inoculate myself.

Georgie, on the other hand, would throw the bag out for pick up by the garbage man AS IS. The garbage man would then throw the bag on a landfill that is, to my mind, crawling with evildoers waiting to rip the bag open to find George's credit card bills and social security number which they would then sell to a richer, cleaner evildoer for purposes of thieving and identity theft. I couldn't let that horrible scenario happen to Georgie so I took the bag and sent him on his way.

Now generally, I shred my personal papers daily. When an item reaches my desk, I pick it up and decide: keep or throw? If it's throw, rip once, rip twice. Into the trash. No machine because my shredding needs are light and generally spread over time. This method works for me. But what I'm about to do.

I start shredding the papers in George's bag - ripping each envelope or bill, in half. Once. Twice. Once. Twice. Once. Twice. I worked my way through a bit of the bag and realized there was no way I was going to shred each and every one of these old papers. We are talking decades.

I didn't know what to do when I had an epiphany: I would clean out the refrigerator.

I took the bag and put it in a second plastic garbage bag for double security against spillage. I opened the refrigerator, and then a two week old pint of soy yogurt which I emptied into the bag. I emptied a three week old Tupperware of Tofurkey and vegetarian brown gravy leftovers into the bag. I dumped the moldy Costco raspberries into the bag. I dumped a baggy of slimy old mushrooms and a container of overripe watermelon into the bag. Then I poured the morning's coffee grounds AND the remains of the coffee itself into the bag. Finally I emptied Lucy's litter box and its contents into the bag for that certain bouquet. I tied the bag closed and shook it up and down to coat each piece (and I helped), took the bag outside, and threw it into a garbage bin for pickup.

Set a few days in there. Over to the landfill. Evildoers, have at it.

Lucy's other litter box

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Bad to the Bone: A Foray into Show Business

In 1982. I was working at 175 Fifth Avenue, The Flatiron Building in NY. One day as I passed the Pappermint Lounge on my way to the office, I saw a posting on the door that said George Thorogood and the Destoyers' video was to be filmed there Friday at noon. Be in a video for lunch. Friday arrived and I went, dressing specifically for the occasion.

Only kidding.

The live portions of this video were filmed in the Peppermint Lounge. There were a whole bunch of Gen MTVers there on their respective lunch hours. I bought a sandwich and, at certain times during the filming, snuck bites of it until I was finished. It was, after all, lunch time.

Still kidding.

Here is the video for George Thorogood and the Destroyers' bad to the Bone. See me at 2:35 but don't sneeze. Suffice it to say the appearance did not get me a SAG card or I wouldn't be here with you today.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

For Your Health...Froot Loops and Fudgsicles?

This article in the New York Times illustrates everything that is wrong with corporations and, dare I say, capitalism. According to the article, the processed food industry has initiated a Smart Choices Program where they label their own products, based on their own criteria, to help shoppers easily identify smarter food and beverage choices. Foods that have passed muster as a smart choice? Froot Loops, Fudgsicles, Real Mayonnaise and Skippy Peanut Butter - chock full o' sugar, sodium and fat.

Eileen T. Kennedy, president of the Smart Choices board, dean of the Friedman School of Nutrition Science and Policy at Tufts University and, in my opinion, corporate shill, defends these choices:

You’re rushing around, you’re trying to think about healthy eating for your kids and you have a choice between a doughnut and a cereal. So Froot Loops is a better choice.

Last time I went down the cereal aisle in a supermarket I had a choice between Froot Loops and Grape Nuts and oatmeal. Doughnuts are on the bread aisle.

Kennedy also said the program was influenced by research into consumer behavior which showed that, while shoppers wanted more information, they did not want to hear negative messages or feel their choices were being dictated to them.

So Kennedy and the Smart Choices board (cough, corporations) have decided that since consumers don't want to hear negative messages about their choices, they will just dictate consumer choices using a positive message - despite the outcome: more empty calories, more obesity, more heath care, more money spent.

The article mentions that Kennedy is not being paid for her work. But she is being paid by Tufts. Aren't they embarrassed to have her on their payroll? I'm a neophyte and I know more than her.

Suffice it to say, if you see the Smart Choice checkmark on a product in the supermarket, RUN DON'T WALK to the fruit and vegetable aisle.