Saturday, November 21, 2009

More than 3 Lines About the Film 2012

I ventured to a public movie theater to see 2012, hoping for a throwback to classics of the genre like The Poseidon Adventure and Earthquake. The closest they got was a story line concerning the classic Mona Lisa painting that left me hanging about the ultimate fate of the hallowed piece of art. But more so than that - the movie is really terrible. Some points I thought about during the time it took me to finish this three hour snooze fest. Spoilers below but it's not rocket science.

  • President Danny Glover called a presidential summit that looked like Hollywood Squares.

  • The geologist's phone call saying goodbye to his Dad was treacly and cringe-inducing.

  • The digital fire was VERY red.

  • John Cusack fell into a crack in the earth and was hanging on by his hands. The edit went from his fingers on the top of the cliff to his feet jumping back on soil like we should imagine how he made it back up and move on.

  • The Sex Guru from the extremely funny The Guru creates havoc as a geologist.

The most exciting part of the movie was trying to make my box of Raisinettes last the entire three hours. I didn't - so I went to the bathroom, got a drink of water, bought a New York pretzel, looked at the New Movies posters, walked back into the theatre and STILL the earth was being destroyed. OMG, there's more?

  • The special effects are really sucky. You can feel the line around the actors who were filmed on green screen while a flat CGI image is placed behind them.

  • Amanda Peet was in a horrifying natural disaster and asked the Danish girl to do something but still, as the world was falling around them, Amanda remembered to say please; that was nice.

  • If I heard can't start the engine until we lower the gate one more time I was really going to vomit.

  • Towards the end, those in the ark were watching the disaster occurrences on TV as we were in the theatre watching them on a screen watching the disaster occurrences on TV. We paid but they got paid.

  • I found it odd that we were following the little girl's incontinence issues throughout the movie. But still and all, at the end (SPOILER) when the little girl said, 'No more Pull-Ups' I was pleased she had gotten over her issues. Think of it though, the world is destroyed and I'm living on an ark from which I might never be able to leave? I might choose this time to START pissing my pants rather than to remove my Pull-Ups.

The Palin 2012 movie trailer recently on Saturday Night Live was much more enjoyable. And at 1:54 much less of an infringement on your time.

1 comment:

  1. Hi,
    The 2012 movie is brought to us by master of disaster Roland Emmerich, director of ID4, Godzilla, The Day After Tomorrow and 10,000 B.C. The preview is trying to sell us on effects awesomeness. Let’s strip away the bulls**t and see it for what it is - a likely sign of the moviepocalypse.