As a volunteer barkeep for the San Jose Gay Pride Festival, I participated in the kick-off event, a game of softball. Considering I hadn't played softball since I was 10, I wasn't quite sure I should; considering that you must dress as a movie star or music star of the opposite gender, I wasn't quite sure I shouldn't. I was told that it would be an expedition game so, after I looked up exhibition game on Wikipedia, I decided to go for it.
WHAT TO WEAR
Yes, I had my old go-to drag but did I really want to be a flat-chested guy in a fifty year old cocktail dress, wearing a moth-eaten mink stole and a ratty wig? Nah.
That night, during a bout of insomnia, I started rhyming words with Lady Gaga. Aga. Baba. CaCa. Dada. Eaea. Fafa. Wait. Caca? (
ka.ka) I could be Lady Caca. And carry a Poop Purse.
HOW TO BECOME LADY CACA
- Buy a bra and girdle combination thing.
I went to Marshall's to buy a bra and panty set. I couldn't figure out how the bra sizes worked so I asked the saleslady. She explained that the size is for the circumference of your back and that if I put the bra on backwards, snapped the catches in front, turned it around, and slipped my arms through the straps I could see if it fit. This worked and I was able to try on a few bras right there in the store!
Then I found this white bra/girdle combination thing that snapped under the crotch. I had no idea what it is called but I thought it might be more slimming so I asked the saleslady if I could try it on. Please do. she said. My fitting room girl will have something to talk about all day. The bra/girdle combination thing fit as good as I needed although I did buy a pair of white men's briefs; there was no way I was going to snap this contraption and have to run the bases in a softball game with my junk shrunk.
- Buy poop bags and poop jewelry.
I chose hot pink poop bags to go with my pink-tinged wig. They came with a pink poop bag holder that most would put on their belts or dog's leash. I did put it on my dog's leash but then I put the leash around my neck for a poop necklace. I filled the pink poop necklace with blue poop bags for a pop of color.
- Make a poop skirt.
Much like Josephine Baker did with bananas, I made a skirt of poop bags. I started with a blue bungee cord that was just the right size - and the pop of color matched the pop of color in the poop necklace. I put safety pins every three inches, down the length of the cord, filled hot pink poop bags with frozen blueberries (that will defrost as the heat of the day wears on) and attached one tied bag to each safety pin.
- Create a poop purse.
This was easy enough. Fill an extra hot pink poop bag with blueberries and hold it in your hand. A poop purse.
- Add a pink wig, rose-colored glasses, sneakers to run the bases and voila!
HOW TO PLAY SOFTBALL DRESSED AS LADY CACA
I went to Savers, our local thrift store, and found two mitts: one for a child, the other a bit bigger. The big question I had was why were both for the left hand? I mean what are the odds that the two baseball gloves in a thrift store would BOTH be for the left hand? I figured what the hell; I hadn't played since I was 10 years old anyway and I am an ambidextrous mouser so I bought the bigger one.
When I got to the game, I told the coach about my skill level. She brought me out in the field for practice. As we walked, I told her about the left-handed glove. Well, she said. Most gloves are left-handed because most people throw with their right hand. Ohhhhhhhhh, now I get it. Surprisingly enough, I managed to catch every ball she lobbed in my direction.
I came up to bat before I even went into the outfield. My first time at bat (and much like Lady Gaga did with Cher at the MTV Video Music Awards) I asked the umpire if he might hold my poop purse. He graciously did. Or was it she?