Friday, December 21, 2007

Two Nightmares on Birch Street

Twice in the past week I sat bolt upright in bed at 2:30 A.M. because of a horrible nightmare. Both were caused not by phantasms but by frightening, real life pictures I had seen.

The morning before the first nightmare started casually enough with a cup of coffee and an early morning perusal of some news web sites. One story lead to another link which lead to another story which lead to another link which lead to another story which finally lead to the picture that disrupted my sleep later that night.

I can't imagine the self-esteem of a woman who would do this to herself. I won't say anything disparaging about this because, it seems to me, she disparages herself enough. How can someone who has (or had) everything do this and then take a walk on the red carpet? That night I went to sleep with a sweet little dog and a furry little cat and woke up sweating and terrified by the monster that had the ponem of Joan Van Ark.

The following week I was awoken again, sweating and terrified, by another picture.

This picture was used for the Huckabee family Christmas card while Mike Huckabee was governor of Arkansas. Huckabee is a fat, white male running for the Republication nomination for president. He has two fat, white male sons. They are all wearing the same shirt. Can you tell who is whom? It's similar to the old Jergen's television commercial where they showed a pair of hands and the viewer had to decide which was the mother and which was the daughter. I wondered what type of grown man would ask his children to dress in the same shirt as he for a photograph. And then I wondered what type of adult child wouldn't say, "Dad, wtf? I'm not wearing the same shirt as you." So I decided to do some research into this Stepford family.

  • Former Baptist minister Mike Huckabee has been a fat guy for the bulk of his career as a public servant. In 2003 his doctor diagnosed him with Type 2 diabetes and told him if he didn't change his eating habits and start to exercise he would be dead within 10 years. Of course, he wanted to live so he lost a lot of weight and wrote a book telling everyone to do so also...proselytizing about this as he does about his religion.

    And it is now coming to light that, for political purposes, Huckabee implored the Arkansas Parole Board to release a rapist from jail who then went on to rape and murder twice more.

    I wish his doctor was mute.

  • Janet Huckabee is a turkey hunter (which explains her marriage to Mike) and a dog strangler (see above). In 2004, she agreed to convert her marriage to a covenant marriage. This is a marriage contract option that compels the couple to seek counseling if problems develop. It provides limited grounds for divorce or separation, and restricts lawsuits against spouses. According to Mike, who signed the Covenant Marriage Act into law in Arkansas, it "offers couples a chance to be held to a higher level of marital commitment." Interesting that he feels the act of marriage alone is not enough.

  • John Mark Huckabee (left kneeling I think), the eldest boy, is rumored to be a purveyor of fine pornographic magazines. According to his mom, John Mark is like a radio station: "You tune in a radio and every now and then you'll hit a frequency and think, Man, I wish I could get that and you don't quite get it, but every now and then you get it? Well, John Mark is kind of like that." I'm not sure who that quote tells us more about - mother or son?

  • David Huckabee was dismissed in 1998 as a Boy Scout counselor after he, then 17, was involved in the hanging and torture of a stray dog with mange. In 2007, he was arrested for attempting to board a plane departing from Little Rock, Arkansas with a loaded Glock handgun. He pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge brought against him for "attempting to carry a gun in a prohibited place." He was also fined by the city of Jonesboro for $62.50 for operating two businesses without a license. So incensed by this fine was this fine young man that he paid it with 6250 pennies. Huckabee is also quoted as having said, "my dream is to either be the President or to be the one who makes the President the President." Well, he wouldn't be the first idiot elected president, or the first idiot to make the president the president.

  • Sarah Huckabee is the seed of Mike and Janet Huckabee. She is also wearing a shirt that matches her mom's. At this point, that's enough. But if you want more there's an interview with her here.

After finding out these little tidbits about a family that purports to be Christian now I wonder what type of American would actually vote for this man?


  1. I think we should all go out and get matching shirts for the boys and matching blouses for the girls. Then we can have a big ole barbeque with lots and lots of pork products and as much Coke and Pepsi as we can stuff in with potato or macaroni salads, potato chips and 4 kinds of mayo-based dips, 4 flavors of ice cream and toppings for dessert with cakes and cookies and lots of Cool Whip for the top. Afterwards, we can go out back and do some target shooting and maybe steal a neighborhood dog from a backyard and use it for target practice. When we get tired of that, we can sit around the swimming pool and do Jack Daniel's shots with PBR chasers and coax Mom into the pool nekkid so we can throw half-eaten smoked turkey legs at her!

    Happy Birthday, Michael!

  2. I think she just guest starred on nip/tuck, a show I don't care for, in a parody of what she actually appears to be, a woman who's had too much facework done and prefers to look like a freak of nature than, you know, a woman her age. P.S., i get the Babs reference on your profile pic, not because I'm a huge fan of her, but because I'm of a certain age. Like the blog, btw.

  3. Thanks for the kind words, Ray Ray. I read about her guest starring role on Nip/Tuck. (Filling out the 80s prime time soap opera triumvirate that night was Donna Mills and Michelle Lee.) I didn't see it either; I was watching Dawn of the Dead. As for the Babs reference, you are the first to mention it. Gold star. I, of course, was just a slip of a thing when that album came out. Oooops, my slip is showing.