Two Nightmares on Birch Street

Twice in the past week I sat bolt upright in bed at 2:30 A.M. because of a horrible nightmare. Both were caused not by phantasms but by frightening, real life pictures I had seen.

The morning before the first nightmare started casually enough with a cup of coffee and an early morning perusal of some news web sites. One story lead to another link which lead to another story which lead to another link which lead to another story which finally lead to the picture that disrupted my sleep later that night.



I can't imagine the self-esteem of a woman who would do this to herself. I won't say anything disparaging about this because, it seems to me, she disparages herself enough. How can someone who has (or had) everything do this and then take a walk on the red carpet? That night I went to sleep with a sweet little dog and a furry little cat and woke up sweating and terrified by the monster that had the ponem of Joan Van Ark.

The following week I was awoken again, sweating and terrified, by another picture.



This picture was used for the Huckabee family Christmas card while Mike Huckabee was governor of Arkansas. Huckabee is a fat, white male running for the Republication nomination for president. He has two fat, white male sons. They are all wearing the same shirt. Can you tell who is whom? It's similar to the old Jergen's television commercial where they showed a pair of hands and the viewer had to decide which was the mother and which was the daughter. I wondered what type of grown man would ask his children to dress in the same shirt as he for a photograph. And then I wondered what type of adult child wouldn't say, "Dad, wtf? I'm not wearing the same shirt as you." So I decided to do some research into this Stepford family.

• Former Baptist minister Mike Huckabee has been a fat guy for the bulk of his career as a public servant. In 2003 his doctor diagnosed him with Type 2 diabetes and told him if he didn't change his eating habits and start to exercise he would be dead within 10 years. Of course, he wanted to live so he lost a lot of weight and wrote a book telling everyone to do so also...proselytizing about this as he does about his religion.
  
  
  
  And it is now coming to light that, for political purposes, Huckabee implored the Arkansas Parole Board to release a rapist from jail who then went on to rape and murder twice more.
  
  I wish his doctor was mute.


• Janet Huckabee is a turkey hunter (which explains her marriage to Mike) and a dog strangler (see above). In 2004, she agreed to convert her marriage to a covenant marriage. This is a marriage contract option that compels the couple to seek counseling if problems develop. It provides limited grounds for divorce or separation, and restricts lawsuits against spouses. According to Mike, who signed the Covenant Marriage Act into law in Arkansas, it "offers couples a chance to be held to a higher level of marital commitment." Interesting that he feels the act of marriage alone is not enough.


• John Mark Huckabee (left kneeling I think), the eldest boy, is rumored to be a purveyor of fine pornographic magazines. According to his mom, John Mark is like a radio station: "You tune in a radio and every now and then you'll hit a frequency and think, Man, I wish I could get that and you don't quite get it, but every now and then you get it? Well, John Mark is kind of like that." I'm not sure who that quote tells us more about - mother or son?


• David Huckabee was dismissed in 1998 as a Boy Scout counselor after he, then 17, was involved in the hanging and torture of a stray dog with mange. In 2007, he was arrested for attempting to board a plane departing from Little Rock, Arkansas with a loaded Glock handgun. He pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge brought against him for "attempting to carry a gun in a prohibited place." He was also fined by the city of Jonesboro for $62.50 for operating two businesses without a license. So incensed by this fine was this fine young man that he paid it with 6250 pennies. Huckabee is also quoted as having said, "my dream is to either be the President or to be the one who makes the President the President." Well, he wouldn't be the first idiot elected president, or the first idiot to make the president the president.


• Sarah Huckabee is the seed of Mike and Janet Huckabee. She is also wearing a shirt that matches her mom's. At this point, that's enough. But if you want more there's an interview with her here.
  

After finding out these little tidbits about a family that purports to be Christian now I wonder what type of American would actually vote for this man?

The Day Paris Hilton Went To Rehab

This is a dream I had; I've never actually been to rehab.

I was rather surprised when she agreed to visit me but, if truth be known, she's been my BFF for, well, for ever and isn't that what friends do? So Paris flew to Denver, rented a Maserati, and drove one and a half hours into the Rocky Mountains for family day.


Her visit was quite a surprise to those in the facility. They had no idea I even knew her. But Paris walked in like any other family member and, first thing, asked to use the bathroom. As we walked by a table, there was a plate of burned-up incense. Paris looked, not sure what to make of it. She took a pinch and put it to her nose.

"Paris! You don't snort that. It's ashes."

She looked at me resignedly. "I know, Michael. I was just smelling it."

We moved on from the table and I showed Paris to the loo. When she returned (with her hands washed), we went into the sun room and chatted for a while. The other students were overwhelmed and alarmed that Paris Hilton was sitting in the sun room of their rehab center. Some came up to her and she was very gracious. Others just stared from afar. Finally, one of the center's counselors came over.

"Hi Ms. Hilton. I've been chosen by the staff to talk to you about drugs."

"Excuse me?" Paris asked.

"Well, we need to search your belongings for contraband."

"Do you search every guest who comes to visit?"

"No. But we don't know the history of every guest that comes to visit like we do yours."

Paris handed over her bag.

"Paris, I'm so sorry." I said.

"It's not you, Michael. I'm just so famous. People read all this stuff about me and assume its true. There's nothing in there. I came to visit my best bud, not get a Rocky Mountain High...Colorado." She laughed at her allusion. As long as I've known her, Paris has always loved John Denver. Finally, her bag was returned.

"Thank you, Ms. Hilton. It had to be done."

"Whatever..." Paris retorted in that way only she can. At that point, my sister walked in the room. Lisa and Paris had never met but she had no pretensions about Paris.

"Hi Michael. Hi Paris."

Paris took to the normality of her greeting right away. "I love your fur, Lisa."

"Oh, thanks, Pah. But it's not real. I wouldn't walk around in real fur."

"You wouldn't?"

"Of course not. We should take a walk around these beautiful mountains and I'll show you why that would never enter my mind."

And that we did. Paris had never seen animals before and was entranced by the elk, rabbits, and chipmunks. We returned from our walk and decided to play a game of Scrabble. Paris spelled words like HOT and HO (\ˈhō\ def.: a call to attract attention, used especially to attract attention to something specified as in Westward ho!). Lisa, a working mother, used words like BASEBALL and PRACTICE. I put down ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM. Paris thought it was incredible that I could spell that word with seven letters. Lisa challenged and I lost a turn. But, I won the game anyway. (I'm a writer. Ho!) The ladies were nonplussed; Paris wasn't sure what nonplussed meant so we looked it up together and laughed.



Ultimately, it was time for family and guests to leave. We all said goodbye and Lisa and Paris walked out together. Lisa had nothing to learn that day but I think Paris might have taken away a few things. At the least, she now knows that HO has two meanings.

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George W. Bush IS A Monkey: The Proof

On Nov. 26, 2007, business talking-head-with-hair Erin Burnett referred to George W. Bush as a monkey on national television.



Three days later, she apologized on national television. She obviously never saw this photographic proof:



Thanks to Rich (whomever you are) for putting together the original proof. It is, after all, more concrete than the proof our monkey used to start a war in Iraq.