A Man and A Mouse

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Lucy and the Retro Lawnchair

I bought a fabulous retro lawn chair at a garage sale, schlepped it home, dragged it out of the car, set it up in the backyard, went inside to make a mint julep and came back out to find - I still had to use the rickety old wood bench.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Why I Covered Lady Gaga's Hair (With A Heart On)

After ten years of partnership, George and I separated. George went to Missoula, Montana to attend university and I went on my first visit to a bar in (way over) ten years. I walked in and almost immediately the thoughts of an under-confident and physically insecure youngster came surfing back into my mind.

I'm not like these guys.
I'm unapproachable.
I'm not cute.
I'm too old.
I've got a gut.
My body is too hairy.
I'm a freak.

Holy shit! Who can weather that type of bullying? Without even ordering a drink I left the bar a shattered man.

This happened the same week that Lady Gaga's record Born This Way was released so, of course, I was listening to it on the way home. As track six was playing I came to a more personal understanding of the lyrics; it was my Gaga could've had a V8 moment.

In that moment of understanding, I decided to help this under-confident and physically insecure youngster inside me to embrace his perceived faults and realize that his differences are what make him special. The best way to do this, I surmised, was to cover track six, Hair, in a very public forum - with all these perceived faults on display. To make the video accessible in the public forum, I put a heart on.

THANKS TO:

JesseLCue for the Hair backing track.
Max, my Jack Russell Terrier, for making four unannounced yet pivotal appearances.
My Vietnamese lady barber who collected the hair she cut off my head the morning I filmed the video so I could throw it to the wind.
Mother Monster - for your inspiration, your honesty and your temerity. There are still many people (young and less young) who need to stand up and say to the naysayers (including those in our own minds), I was Born This Way, baby...and through your work, they are (and I am still) learning how.

UPDATE Fall 2012: I've lost almost 30 pounds since the filming of that video and look and feel great. What do you think of my Prince Harry salute?

Thursday, June 30, 2011

[title of show] @ Mountain View Center for Performing Arts

Watching [title of show], the musical by two guys about two guys writing a musical, can be compared to looking at reflections in a hall of mirrors. Because a hall of mirrors also contains panes of glass, you never know if you are seeing something that is real or something that is a reflection. This concept of reality versus reflection initially confuses the storyline but, as the 90 minute show (with no intermission) moves along, meatier themes and more memorable songs are introduced that ultimately make for a sweet but mostly benign evening.

The Mountain View Center for Performing Arts (MVCFPA) production opened on June 1, 2011, following (by years) its premiere at the New York Musical Theatre Festival in 2004, and subsequent runs off-Broadway and on. It is this journey that is performed by a first rate cast including New York based actors Jamison Stern, Laura Jordan and Farah Alvin and the Bay Area's Ian Leonard. The ladies, Jordan and Alvin, come off best - probably because there characters are written with more depth and they have the most memorable songs. What Kind Of Girl Is She? is a wonderfully funny duet placed in the middle of the show which on reflection (yea, pun intended) seems the turning point to real. Jordan's Die Vampire, Die!, even with its somewhat forced lyrical metaphors, is a clever number, universal in its theme of defeating the doubts in our own heads. Alvin's solo A Way Back To Then is a triumph of simplicity and power, arguably the best song in the show.

Stern and Leonard are good enough despite their characters seeming as cartoons rather then flesh and blood. They also get saddled with inferior songs like Untitled Opening Number, Two Nobodies In New York and An Original Musical - unfortunately, the first three songs in the show. All four actors perform the nicely staged Monkeys and Playbills (with its roll out of classic Playbill covers), the rhythmic Change It, Don't Change It/Awkward Photo Shoot, and Nine People's Favorite Things, the final song that closes out the evening on a high note. Also, worth his weight in gold is William Lieberatore, MVCFPA's Musical Director, who accompanies the cast on stage and actually has a few small yet pivotal lines!

The set, with its backdrop of brick and plaster emulating a New York studio apartment, is bare bones and fits the scenario. Each character is given their own chair (shades of Miss Marmelstein in I Can Get It For You Wholesale?) and most of the numbers are staged using them. (I thought seeing Jordan's character, the only one with a full time job, rolling around in her $800 Herman Miller desk chair a nice touch.) Director Meredith McDonough has managed to create the whole of New York in this small apartment.

[title of show] is not a musical in the grand Broadway tradition. It does not use a full orchestra, there is no dancing and it has references that only theatre queens would recognize (the program includes a glossary for the uninformed). And, as directly quoted from the script, it often seems like obvious pandering and too self-indulgent. Still though composer Jeff Bowen and writer Hunter Bell have managed to do something that many other artists have not - get their work seen; that, in itself, makes [title of show] a triumph.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Sharing Out-of-Print Content Using BitTorrent

This article assumes anyone following this procedure is sharing ONLY out-of-print content that can NOT be bought in your local mom-and-pop retail store or online vendor. Neither the article nor its writer advocates the downloading of copyrighted, in print media of any type because, simply, it is illegal and you can go to jail.

There's been a lot of outcry regarding the sharing community. It's illegal. Corporations are losing money. Artists aren't paid for their work. Now all may be true in regards to downloading current, in print works of art (term used loosely) but there is a side to the community that isn't often referred to: the side that shares older, out-of-print works of art to keep them alive. How many films have been made that are not available on DVD? How many vinyl records have never been digitized? How many books can no longer be found in vanishing libraries and book stores? Were it not for the sharing community, these works of art might become as extinct as the dodo bird.

Towards this end, I have been asked recently by a number of friends how to get some of these rare, out-of-print items. After spending two hours explaining how to use BitTorrent trackers to one friend, I decided to write this simple guide for the others - and anyone else that might be interested. This article contains the following sections.

What is BitTorrent?
The BitTorrent Sharing Procedure
Seeding and Leeching and Ratios, Oh My
Sharing Speeds
The End

What is BitTorrent?

BitTorrent Tracker Networks are peer-to-peer (computers like yours connected to computers like mine) networks that use the BitTorrent protocol to connect. In a nutshell, when you decide on content you want to share, you search for a small text file associated with the share called a torrent. A torrent file has the .torrent extension and allows for sharing, and tracking the multiple (and worldwide) locations of the specific content.

Because of its tracking feature, I will use the term tracker in this article (rather than torrent) to differentiate this small text file from any other uses of the word torrent.

When (and if) you find a tracker for content that is out-of-print, you open it in a BitTorrent application which then finds other computers (peers) that have this particular content, connects to them, and begins to share. The tracker essentially creates a network of personal computers solely dedicated to sharing this specific content. The BitTorrent Sharing Procedure delves into the details.

The BitTorrent Sharing Procedure

Download and install a BitTorrent application.

On the Mac, this application might be Transmission; on Windows, it might be uTorrent. There are many other BitTorrent applications and you may not find one you like until you've downloaded it, installed it and used it. I happened on Transmission after first trying something called Tomato Torrent. I will be using screen shots from Transmission. You can right-click on any of these screen shots to view the larger image.

Ensure that the peer listening port set in your BitTorrent application preferences (or options) is open in your home network.

I can't help with this as I don't know your internet service provider (ISP) or how your home network is configured or which application you have installed. You might not need to do anything. After installing the BitTorrent application, you can start sharing and see how fast the bits are transferred. If you want to investigate this step, try an internet search using terms that map to open port ISP application. For example, I searched open port uVerse transmission. Tweak the search terms based on your choices or add torrent or listening port to them and see what results are returned. It took a bit of work to find information on how to open my port but don't be discouraged - it's out there somewhere.

Create a directory on your computer called Torrents.

This is the directory in which you should put your downloaded trackers - assuming they are downloaded to a Downloads directory configured in your browser's settings.

Set this Torrents directory in your BitTorrent application.

I have set Transmission to download files into the same directory from which I will open the tracker. With this option, it does not require a specific directory but it does require that I (being the organized person that I am) move all my trackers into this one directory. I don't advise using more than one directory because you are allowing external access to whatever directory is defined. I'd rather my BitTorrent application only know about the one directory.

Download a tracker and move it into your Torrents directory.

This should take no time because the tracker, as mentioned, is just a small text file. Here is a link to a tracker page on btjunkie for Second Serve, a television film starring Vanessa Redgrave that was only released on Video Home System (yep, it's an acronym: VHS) tape in the United Kingdom.

Be careful that you are clicking the correct download link. Tracker search engines make their money when people click on the ads not when they download a tracker. Even an inadvertent click is money so, of course, the tracker download button is usually the smallest on the page. Read everything before you click. In this screen shot, you can see the word DOWNLOAD four times. I use the first Download Torrent with the green icon next to it. Be sure to read everything and choose carefully before you click.

NOTE: This screen shot I used is benign but be aware that many tracker search engines have pornographic advertisers with pee-pees and (mostly) va-jay-jays screaming hello. My suggestion is NOT to follow this procedure on a work computer or in a room where your mother might be sitting.

Also, be aware that different tracker search engines might have different trackers for the same file or different trackers associated with different files for the same content. It is all dependent upon which search engine the person who is sharing the file has decided to use to disseminate the tracker.

Start your BitTorrent application and open the tracker file from within it.

In this screen shot, File -> Open Torrent File opens a dialog box from which you will search for your Torrents directory, select the tracker you downloaded (and moved to the directory) and click Open. Note the Second Serve tracker name selected in the screen shot - including the year, movie name, additional text and the .torrent extension - is somewhat atypical for a tracker name; often you might just see the name with (seemingly) random numbers and letters and the .torrent extension. An Add dialog will pop-up and display the name of the file being shared.

Click Add to begin sharing this tracker.

A dialogue is displayed in which we are finally seeing the actual name of the files: Second Serve.avi and a small text file inside a folder named Second Serve will be shared.

Sometimes the file being shared will be a sole AVI file or content compressed into a ZIP or .rar archive. In the case of compressed files, you will need the proper software to decompress them.

Once added to the queue, the interface for your application might look something like this:

The slim blue line confirms that sharing has begun. You see other terms like All, Active, Downloading, Seeding, and Paused. These terms allow you to customize what you see. Do you want to see all trackers you have added whether they are currently being shared or not? Or do you want to see only those that are still in the queue but might be paused for one reason or another? Also note the terms Ratio and Seeding; these are very important terms which I will explain in a moment.

As sharing continues, I opened the information panel (on your left) so you can see from which IP addresses (with last numbers removed) this file is being shared. The BitTorrent application being used is also listed. Note the blue line on the right has gotten longer as sharing continues. (You can follow progress with the Time Remaining and % properties above the blue line as well.)

As sharing continues to continue, I opened the activity panel (on your left) so you can see how much of the file has already been shared. You see Downloaded, Uploaded and Ratio (again). Definitions coming up.

When the file is complete, this same Downloading screen will be empty but when you click the Seeding link and the Seeding screen is displayed, you see that the line is green and other computers are still sharing from your directory. You will soon be able to close the tracker file from within the BitTorrent application. See Seeding and Leeching and Ratios, Oh My for information on when this should happen.

Seeding and Leeching and Ratios, Oh My

More important than this procedure is the sharing community itself and how your actions relate to it. Let's first define two terms you need to know.

A seeder is a computer that contains the file you want. The seeder may have 100% of the file or 1% of the file; the percentage of the file on the computer does not matter because someone somewhere will be able to share whatever portion is present. When you open a tracker in your BitTorrent application and you have some (or all) bits from the associated file, you are seeding. You will always be considered a seeder until you close the tracker file and are no longer tracked as part of the network for that specific file.

A leecher is a computer that wants the file you have. The leecher may have 99% of the file or 0% of the file. When you open a tracker in your BitTorrent application to share a file, you are a leecher UNTIL you have completely downloaded 100% of the file. Once you have obtained 100% of the file, you are no longer leeching. But you may not be ready to close the tracker file yet.

The concepts that keep the community alive are generosity and fair sharing. People who digitize out-of-print content and begin to seed it by creating a tracker are generously donating their time and bandwidth so others may enjoy. There is an expectation among those who create content that those who leech content will also donate their time and bandwidth so others may enjoy. That's where your personal ratio comes into play. It is expected, as a model member of the sharing community, that you will give, at the very least, what you take.

For example, Second Serve is a 789 MB file so when you complete your leech you have downloaded 789 MB. It is expected that over time you will keep that tracker alive until you have seeded to others a minimum of 789 MB. This would give you a personal ratio of 1:1 for the Second Serve tracker. Thus, as you can enjoy this content others who have leeched from you may enjoy it as well. These leechers will, in turn, seed to others and so on and so on and so on. Now you can imagine what would happen if everyone who leeched immediately removed the Second Serve tracker and did not seed - the tracker will die and with it the ability for others to see this out-of-print content.

When you open a tracker and begin to leech a file, you almost immediately become a seeder as well. (Remember a seeder may have 1% or 100% of a file.) You will continue to seed as long as the tracker is active in your BitTorrent application. You can seed at the same time as you leech but, most probably, the bulk of your seeding will occur AFTER you have downloaded 100% of your file and have stopped leeching. That's because we are discussing files that not many people want or are even aware exists. I would venture a guess that 99% of those who are reading this article have never even heard of the movie Second Serve, the true story of a transgender tennis player.

It is expected that you will continue to seed until you have reached a positive upload:download ratio. 1:1 (as in our example) is the minimum positive ratio. The higher the ratio, the more you have contributed. If you have a good ratio, you will be more appreciated by the torrent community. When I learned about the community, I decided to keep my personal ratio at (a minimum of) 2:1. This means that three people will enjoy this content because of me: first (and certainly foremost) myself and then the two others alluded to by my upload number.

NOTE: Seeding and the ratio number are not as cut and dried as the previous sentence leads you to believe. Your BitTorrent application keeps track of your seeding total and ratio. Somewhere in your application's window you will see this ratio; in the Transmission screen shots it is in the top left corner. Thus you can technically be seeding to eight people but all is good as long as you keep a positive ratio.

If you have a personal ratio below 1:1 (meaning you leech 789 MB but only seed 100 MB) you are JUST leeching and not interested in helping others complete their download. In this case, you are cheating the community and we don't like leechers. A positive personal ratio indicates that you have sent more data to other users than you have received. People like seeders so please seed at least as much as you leech for each specific tracker. If you have a negative ratio there are other consequences (besides karmic) as discussed in Sharing Speeds.

Sharing Speeds

The speed of your share is dependent on a number of things.

Your personal ratio (see!)
Seeders THAT ARE ONLINE
Settings you have chosen for your BitTorrent application
Settings others have chosen for their BitTorrent application
Your personal network speed

#1 - Trackers keep track of your personal ratio as well as your BitTorrent application and will denigrate speed based on it. You want to download faster? Pump up your ratio. There are many seeders who keep to 4:1 or even 10:1 ratios. Even after completing a share with a personal ratio of (minimum) 2:1, I generally keep the tracker file and will open the tracker file to re-seed if I notice via comments in the tracker search engines that leechers are stalled at a certain percentage. It's karma, baby.

#2 - Now why did I capitalize THAT ARE ONLINE? Because many people shut down their computers when they are finished using it for the day. (I know I do.) So even though a tracker might know about a computer seeder, the owner might have shut the computer down for the evening. When that happens, the file ON THAT COMPUTER will only be available again when the owner turns the computer back on and starts their BitTorrent application. Because many out-of-print files might only have two or three seeders, the leech will undoubtedly take some time before the complete file has been downloaded to your computer. As you seed and turn your own computer off and back on, the leechers will find you again and the downloads can continue. This is expected by members of the community.

#3 - BitTorrent applications have options that you can set to limit downloads and uploads to specific numbers in KBs. These are your decisions to make. They are modified per specific tracker and I find I often change these options depending on how much desire I have to see something NOW.

#4 - Just as you can set download and upload limits so can everyone else.

#5 - This is a no-brainer - you can't get speeds faster than your ISP allows.

The End

Well, it's the end of this article anyway. There are more aspects of sharing out-of-print content using the BitTorrent protocol than I have documented but this should get you started. If you are interested in delving more deeply into other details, you can start with the BitTorrent entry at Wikipedia.

Now if you'll excuse me I am going to watch Second Serve and maybe after that I'll watch Isadora, both starring Vanessa Redgrave and both, at the time of this writing, hopelessly out-of-print.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Tin Roof Rusted - Or Snow in San Jose

I was awoken at 1 AM by a loud, continuous, rat-tat-a-tat-tat. I knew it had something to do with the tin roof that covers the backyard patio. And for sure it was raining tapioca-sized hail.

With all the animals shivering around, we fell back asleep. When we awoke later that morning, there was snow on the grass and on the roof of the house. In San Jose, California. In mid-April.

It might not be a lot but my neighbor had a snowball he was saving! And it's something I've never experienced.

I hope my potato bush is okay.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Gaga Goes To Google And To Oakland

This hour long interview (conducted as a Google all-hands) reveals Lady Gaga to be an articulate, intelligent, charmingly sweet and positively determined musician. She was asked all types of questions via YouTube, the interviewer and the audience, and answered each one with honesty and humor. I appreciated her discussed artistry, her waxing philosophical, and her recognition of her fans. And damn, those boots!

And damn, the Monster Ball at the Oracle Arena in Oakland! But unlike last year's ball, this time I just watched, sang and danced. The only numbers I hadn't seen were Gaga's two renditions of Born This Way: one jazz-like at her piano and the other, a club banger to end the show. It was incredible to watch us, her fans, giving as good as they got at the show's end.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Trim My Bush, Tabatha?

Tabatha Coffey is tough, talented and taking over. A niche Suze Orman, Coffey is a no nonsense business woman (and studied stylist) who turns a tanking hair salon into a money machine in one week on her television show, Tabatha's Salon Takeover. A loyal fan, she also turned me into a stylist for my garden when it came to evaluating and trimming my overgrown blue potato bush.

THE CONSULTATION

What would you like to do with it, Michael?

I'd like to take off a good deal of length.

Has it ever been short before?

I imagine it would be healthy, low maintenance and majestic, like yours.

Yes, that it would.

THE CUT

I started with a blunt cut that became a guide for the trim. Then I sectioned it off and used bevel cuts for each part. (It was hard to keep the trimmer at 90 degrees.) I undercut the top so I could get to them with more ease. I wanted the very top to fall in layers. Once I got the graduated shape the way I wanted, I texturized the outer layer to add a studied naturalism and a subtle elegance. Voila!

THE ASSESSMENT

Michael wanted to be able to walk under his blue potato bush (which blooms flowers that are closer to purple but that's a digression). Michael wanted a blue potato tree that did not dwarf the California Redwood he has cared for since four inches tall. Now his blue potato tree is tall and majestic but not overpowering. If Michael keeps up with the low, monthly maintenance, he will have a lovely and healthy tree to add to the natural feel in his backyard for years to come.

Phenomenal Tabatha Doll ©minieyap
Click this text for more photos and details

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Jean Arthur Is More Than A Secretary

When I leave (the animals) Max and Lucy alone in the house I put the television on Turner Classic Movies for their company. When I return, if I see something worth viewing, I live rewind and enjoy it myself. And walking in to see the luminous Jean Arthur, an actor noted for playing tough, independent, and vulnerable middle-class working girls, is always a good reason to live rewind.

Jean Arthur's most infamous asset (notwithstanding her skill as a comedienne) was her voice - a mash-up that blends the husky tones of Beatrice Arthur with the high-pitched squeaks of Butterfly McQueen (I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' babies!.). More Than A Secretary, the rewound film, takes place in the publishing offices of a health food magazine - a business setting not often seen in black and white comedies. So I spread my almond butter and conserves on rice cakes, poured a cup of sinfully delicious rice milk and lost myself in the antics of 1936.

Arthur (a stenog herself during World War I) owns a secretarial school and is tired of her (female) graduates applying for the job but, in the end, getting the boss. She then receives a phone call from the editor of a health food magazine who has fired one of her students for being a poor worker. Her reputation impugned, Arthur goes down to the office, is mistaken for a job applicant, takes the secretarial job AND a shine to her new boss. Instead of reciprocating personally, George Brent promotes Arthur to associate editor, and takes a shine to Maizie, a non matriculated blonde floozy student who takes the boss for all she can.

The interesting things in More Than A Secretary are the comparisons between yesterday and today. At one point, Arthur tries to convince Brent that a female model on the cover of the health magazine (rather than a male bodybuilder) is good marketing and not prurient. 'Blackface comics sell toothpaste,' she says as an example of good marketing. And almost fifty years before he hit supporting actor pay dirt as the old guy on the 1980s television hit Hart To Hart, Lionel Stander played the magazine's male bodybuilder model whose face is replaced in each of his pictures with that of a prettier man. The star crossed lovers even have dinner in The Eat Right, a vegetarian restaurant in which Arthur chows down on Pro-Toze, a steak made from vegetables and mashed nuts, only to spit the vegan meat into her napkin. Finally - SPOILER ALERT - Arthur sells her school and goes on the road with her girlfriend, in a car towing a camper.

Maizie, played by Dorothea Kent, is an offbeat character. In telling Brent how the older Arthur treated her at school, "More like a mother than a daughter." In fact, Maizie's role is of a secretary paramour; she is used, paid nicely and passed on by every boss in the movie. (The look on Brent's face as he tries to palm Maizie off on the next boss is priceless.) One of the more memorable scenes is when Arthur puts Maizie over her knee and gives her a good spanking.

More Than A Secretary is more than a movie; it's a bit of history not often seen (it's not on DVD) or documented. And it's Jean Arthur. And it's healthy. And I just happened to catch it on a live rewind. Thanks Max and Lucy.

2013 Update: Watch the movie on YouTube - not sure for how long though.

See my Pinterest page for a slew of pictures of Jean from throughout her life and career.

These Jean Arthur movies can be seen on archive.org.

The Card Sharks 1930 starring William Powell, Kay Francis, Jean Arthur, Regis Toomey
Resurrected 1930 starring Warner Oland, O. P. Heggie, Jean Arthur, Neil Hamilton 1930
The House Of Fear starring William Powell, Florence Eldridge, Jean Arthur, Eugene Pallette 1929
Here Comes The Bandwagon starring Charles Buddy Rogers, Jean Arthur, Paul Lukas, Helen Ware 1929
The Red Dragon starring Warner Oland, Neil Hamilton, Jean Arthur, O. P. Heggie 1929
Love 'Em And Leave 'Em starring Clara Bow, James Hall, Edna May Oliver, Jean Arthur 1929

This video is a promo for the short-lived 1967 situation comedy The Jean Arthur Show.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

No Applause for Lauren Bacall

For many years I have wondered about Applause, the late 1960s musical sourced from the classic film All About Eve. Listening to the Broadway cast recording is a mundane experience at best. The lyrics are simplistic and the melodies non-existent. My guess is that for a rasping vocalist like Lauren Bacall a melody would just get in the way.

The title tune is the most memorable song on the record but it's sung by Bonnie Franklin, not star Bacall. Fasten Your Seat Belts (alluding to the film's most quotable quote) is the horrifying first act closer with vocal "honks," if you will. And Bacall's plaintive ballad Hurry Back pains MY throat when I hear it. Bacall might have been good as Margo Channing (the grande dame of the theater famously played by Bette Davis on celluloid) but the cast recording does not give one much reason to hope.

So it was with trepidation that I watched the 1973 television adaptation of Applause. This special aired once on CBS, never to be seen again - and now I know why. It is not pretty. But for a television broadcast it was groundbreaking:

It portrays older woman Bacall in a relationship with younger man Larry Hagman. Hagman lip syncs to some vocal and does a little dance. His mother, after all, is...
The first big musical number But Alive is at a bar in Greenwich Village that only has male customers and where Bacall does her best dancing.
Ms. Channing and Eve are taken to said bar by Dwayne, Ms. Channing's openly homosexual assistant.

We get progressively cattier as the items continue.

According to the television title cards, there are six acts in this musical. SIX!
Fasten Your Seat Belts is still a horrifying number with vocal "honks," if you will, but with six acts it was no longer the first act closer.
Eve Harrington (you all know all about Eve) is portrayed devilishly by Penny Fuller who, with Bacall, originated the part on Broadway. Her big number One Hallowe'en is good despite the fact that it is just the opening number But Alive with some extra lines about her dad and Halloween. I don't even know why they had to use the apostrophe in Halloween.
Bonnie Franklin is NOT the Broadway dancer (or gypsy) who sings the title song Applause in the special although she was the gypsy who sang the song on Broadway. The girl who sings it on television was never heard from again and Bonnie Franklin went onto great success as the star of CBS' own situation comedy, One Day At A Time.
The movie is so much better.
This retelling of Eve's story paints her as a literal whore - thanks to the permissive 1970s television standards.
In one scene, Ms. Bacall as Ms. Channing is having pictures taken for a coffee advertisement; Ms. Bacall was famously paid (in the 1970s) for her High Point Decaffeinated Coffee television commercials.
They dropped a bunch of songs but not the sappy, lesbianic anthem The Best Night Of My Life.
Ms. Bacall's solo performance of Something Greater is one for the annals of histrionics.
Why wasn't Margo Channing (the character in the musical) made a musical comedy star rather than a dramatic actress? She speaks throughout Applause of the play she is in, the writer's new play, the play in which Eve wants the part, the play, the play, the play. Then why bring gypsies into it for one scene? Gypsies are in musicals.
The show ends with a very surrealistic curtain call.

Well, this 1973 television production does not give one much reason to hope that the Broadway production was any better. To be fair, Ms. Bacall was the least of this shows problems which began with Betty Comden, Adolph Green (I know!), Charles Strouse and Lee Adams (I know.)

But you can watch this television version of Applause right now and see for yourself. MikeyG0901 has edited the recording into ten minute clips. The first one is below. Just click through to the YouTube page and follow the part numbers.

Or email me for a download URL to an WMV file that contains the complete almost two hour special.

Here's the original review of the theatrical production reproduced from the New York Times. Clive Barnes loved it. Maybe it loses something on the small screen - or maybe he's tone deaf.

Right click to enlarge

Saturday, February 19, 2011

The Angiogram and Me

On it's first anniversary I am posting this entry about my experience with chest pain.

I was having problems taking a deep breath and there was chest pain. Being a stalwart he-man I waited six days before I had finally freaked myself out long enough to casually mention the issue to the more cautious he-man at home, George. Before I knew it I was in the car, driving 40 MPH in a 25 MPH zone to the emergency room down the street at O'Connor Hospital. I sat down in the (thankfully empty) waiting room trying to inhale some oxygen as George walked up to the nurse on duty to explain the situation. Within minutes, they had returned to my chair so I could sign the waivers.

When was the last time you went to a doctor?

Ten years ago.

Do you remember who it was?

Hmmm. I think...it...was...um...what was...oh, yeah...Pahdma Mahajan.

They both laughed thinking I had remembered an easy name like Joe Smith. Are you kidding? This is the Silicon Valley.

Would you like a coffee? the nurse asked in her New York accent. (Hey, I have one of those too!)

No thanks. I've had some this morning but maybe George... I replied, trailing off.

Huh? she asked quizzically.

George wondered aloud whether she really thought coffee was the best thing for me right now and the nurse replied, giving us all a big laugh, A copy. Do you want a copy?

Those New Yorkers.

I was brought back to the ER and immediately given an EKG; X-rays were also taken. Everything was fine - except of course that I was in pain and couldn't breathe. The doctor decided to admit me to the hospital to monitor the enzymes that are present in your system if you are, in fact, having a heart attack. They put me on a gurney and wheeled me up to the fourth floor. This would be the first time I had been in a hospital overnight since my tonsils were taken out at the age of 22. (I would not recommend that operation to anyone over 10 years old.)

The admitting nurse hooked me up to the heart monitor and started documenting my health history. When we were done, I asked her if I might call my co-workers since my earlier, quick email to them read something like Forgot I had to run to the doctor. She said I could. I also asked if I could stand up because my ass was killing me. She told me that would be fine also. I was actually feeling pretty good by then since they had given me synthetic morphine.

I was walking around the small waiting room as I spoke on the phone when the nurse looked in on me. Are you dancing in here? she asked. Your readings are off the chart! (Not dancing - zumba!)

Monitoring the heart enzymes meant that the nurse had to take blood from me every 8 hours; at 3 AM that morning I was woken up. I was also not allowed to eat because first thing in the morning I was having a stress test and a nuclear heart scan. So when they came to get me at 8 AM, I was tired, hungry and, once again, in pain.

With a nuclear heart scan, two sets of pictures are taken. The first set is right before a stress test while your heart is beating at a normal rate. The second set is right after a stress test while your heart is beating fast. (During a stress test, you run the treadmill to make your heart work hard and beat fast.)

Everything in the stress test proved positive...or is it negative? I got up to 90% of heart rate with no incident - whichever sign that is. The heart scan though showed a miniscule portion of my heart was not getting blood whether my heart was beating fast or slow. The doctor would have sent anyone else home but because of my family history, he recommended the Big A: an angiogram.

He explained to me what an angiogram was. They would puncture the femoral artery in my right thigh with a hollow needle and insert a guide wire through the needle. The wire is then used to guide a catheter to the heart so they can take pictures of it.

Operation? You are playing Operation in my leg?

This doctor, another New Yorker laughed. Yea, I guess we are.

I agreed to the procedure remembering the Mattel game and praying to the heavens above that he didn't get buzzed for touching the sides. The next morning they brought me down to the operating room to start me on a local anesthesia. Yes, I was going to be fully awake.

Do you need to put my feet in stirrups? I asked the anesthetist. She had to run and get a towel to wipe up the anesthesia she spilled on the floor.

I was released later that day as everything was negative...or is it positive? (The good one.) And within a day or so, the only issue I had was the leg pain from where the catheter was inserted. Don't ask me what the problem was because I couldn't tell you. I CAN tell you though the whole three days cost $56,000 and I had to pay $2000 of that. Six more monthly payments to go...and I have insurance!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Liza Minnelli's Balls To You: The Lost Master

In December of 2010, TCM aired a new interview of Liza Minnelli as part of its Private Screenings series. During the interview, Liza told a story about her godmother Kay Thompson which ended with Ms. Minnelli spouting the phrase, Balls to you! When I saw that I thought, "What a kicky gal!"

Fast forward to mid-January 2011 and Liza has the fastest rising recording of her career with the myriad remixes of her Balls to You outburst. Here is the outburst from the original interview, put into context by host Robert Osbourne - the lost master, if you will.

And here is my favorite remix. It has a classical feel similar to the disco version of Could It Be Magic.

And if you can't live without more balls, here's the official Liza Minnelli Balls to You search page on YouTube. Among many short (two seconds) and long remixes (ten minutes), you can also relish the radio friendly five minute mix, the early 80s vibe of ¡REM!X¡FY THAT! ep.5, the ubiquitous Autotune Remix, or the techno vocal mash called simply Liza Minnelli (Remix).

Liza's got almost as many lives as Cher!

Monday, January 17, 2011

The Great Kugel Debate of 2011

When I decided to throw a bagel and lox brunch I went to the source for a noodle pudding recipe or as it seems to be more commonly referred to amongst the goyem - kugel. By telephone, My Yiddishe Mama handed down to me the following recipe.

Now it is very large. You can freeze the leftovers. 16 ozs medium noodles. [Egg?] I don't know. They're medium noodles. It says on the package. One pint sour cream. A few years ago I started using low fat. I never told your father. 6 eggs. 3/4 of a pound cream cheese. Again, low fat. 1 cup of sugar. I use less than that. The original recipe says to hold back 1/4 cup of sugar for the topping but I still use less and I do something different with the topping. 1/2 lb butter or margarine. I use margarine for your father. You're going to melt this. So start boiling the water for the pasta and while doing this - beat the eggs and sour cream together. You can do this in a big pot or a big bowl but it has to be big enough for the noodles. Add the sugar and melted butter and mashed cream cheese. Oh, before you boil the water for the noodles take the cream cheese out of the fridge and let it soften so you can mash it. Then add the 3/4 cup sugar, melted butter and mashed cream cheese to the eggs and sour cream. The noodles should be ready now so drain them, splash them in some cool water and add them to the mixture. Coat the noodles and empty the bowl or pot into a 13 x 9 pan. You know the large square pans. They sell those tin foil ones at the supermarket. Make sure you grease the pan first. Butter or margarine. I use margarine for your father. Now, the topping. Crush 1/2 cup corn flakes and mix it with 1/4 cup of sugar that was saved from before and some butter or margarine. Spread this over the top of the noodles. Over the years, I realized Frosted Flakes works just as well so that is what you have been eating. Cover with tin foil and bake at 350 for about an hour.

As my brunch guests and I were enjoying the mildly sweet kugel we started wondering what the word meant. See, my mother called the dish we were now eating noodle pudding. There was another savory dish she had baked often that we referred to as potato kugel; that was served with pot roast. So was kugel a Yiddish word for a noodle dish? Was it a Yiddish word for a potato dish? Did it have to be sweet OR savory? Or was the word actually a more high-level word for a dish with a lot of carbohydrates - although I'm sure the Jews in the town of Anatevka didn't choose their foods based on the protein or carbohydrate count. We might never have known the answer had one of my guests not told us that he happened to have a Jewish cookbook in the car. Always prepared, he returned with the book and read:

Kugel is a baked Ashkenazi Jewish pudding or casserole [Ed. a dish with a lot of carbohydrates!], similar to a pie, most commonly made from egg noodles or potatoes. The name of the dish comes from the German kugel meaning "sphere, globe, ball"; the Yiddish name likely originated as a reference to the round shape of the pot in which the food was baked. Nowadays, however, kugels are often baked in square pans.

Even Max got a bagel!
So, that was the pronouncement at the great kugel debate of 2011. And, in more traditional form, this is the recipe for my mother's noodle pudding now rechristened (although that might not be the right term for a Yiddish-themed blog entry) Noodle Kugel.

Large Noodle Kugel



freeze leftovers



16 ozs medium (egg) noodles

1 pint (low fat) sour cream

6 eggs

3/4 lb (low fat) cream cheese

1 cup of sugar (3/4 c and 1/4 c.)

1/2 lb butter melted

1/2 c. corn flakes

pat of butter



1. Take cream cheese out to soften

2. Boil noodles

3. Beat eggs and sour cream together

4. Mash softened cream cheese

5. Add 3/4 c. sugar and melted butter to mashed cream cheese

6. Mix everything together

7. When noodles are done mix them in

8. Pour mixture in a greased 13 x 9 pan

9. Mix 1/4 cup sugar and butter pat with crushed corn flakes and sprinkle on top (or use frosted flakes)

10. Cover with tin foil and bake at 350 for about an hour

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Joan Rivers on Lady Gaga

She's back and she's on the Fashion Police.

I was not able to save the clip where Joan looked at the butt of a celebrity in a white gown and said, "It can't be Courtney Love because there are no skidmarks on the gown."

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Internet Is For Porn

Came home early today and caught Max in the act. Thankfully, his paws were in plain site.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Attorney Phaedra Parks

I'm not saying Attorney Phaedra Parks is a racist but she certainly is an ass. Here is Attorney Phaedra Parks speaking about her biracial husband:

I am a connoisseur of finer foods. You know, growing up in a white household, he's [her husband] not used to all this fancy stuff. He likes canned foods. He likes packed meats. He just doesn't care. But it's very important for me to feed people the way I like to be fed which is the best of the best.

How would that direct quote sound if you replaced white with black, canned foods with fried chicken and packed meats with watermelon? With all her college degrees, Attorney Phaedra Parks still manages to be stupid.

Here the mannequin-like ridiculousness that is the self-anointed Goddess of Lips (uh...Light) Attorney Phaedra Parks introduces her magnificence in the first episode of season 3, The Real Housewives of Atlanta.