Lady Caca and Her Poop Purse

It started with a softball game. And of course Lady Gaga. But then doesn't everything start with a softball game and Lady Gaga?



As a volunteer barkeep for the San Jose Gay Pride Festival, I participated in the kick-off event, a game of softball. Considering I hadn't played softball since I was 10, I wasn't quite sure I should; considering that you must dress as a movie star or music star of the opposite gender, I wasn't quite sure I shouldn't. I was told that it would be an expedition game so, after I looked up exhibition game on Wikipedia, I decided to go for it.

WHAT TO WEAR

Yes, I had my old go-to drag but did I really want to be a flat-chested guy in a fifty year old cocktail dress, wearing a moth-eaten mink stole and a ratty wig? Nah.



That night, during a bout of insomnia, I started rhyming words with Lady Gaga. Aga. Baba. CaCa. Dada. Eaea. Fafa. Wait. Caca? (ka.ka) I could be Lady Caca. And carry a Poop Purse.

HOW TO BECOME LADY CACA

1. Buy a bra and girdle combination thing.
   
   I went to Marshall's to buy a bra and panty set. I couldn't figure out how the bra sizes worked so I asked the saleslady. She explained that the size is for the circumference of your back and that if I put the bra on backwards, snapped the catches in front, turned it around, and slipped my arms through the straps I could see if it fit. This worked and I was able to try on a few bras right there in the store!
   
   
   
   Then I found this white bra/girdle combination thing that snapped under the crotch. I had no idea what it is called but I thought it might be more slimming so I asked the saleslady if I could try it on. Please do. she said. My fitting room girl will have something to talk about all day. The bra/girdle combination thing fit as good as I needed although I did buy a pair of white men's briefs; there was no way I was going to snap this contraption and have to run the bases in a softball game with my junk shrunk.
2. Buy poop bags and poop jewelry.
   
   I chose hot pink poop bags to go with my pink-tinged wig. They came with a pink poop bag holder that most would put on their belts or dog's leash. I did put it on my dog's leash but then I put the leash around my neck for a poop necklace. I filled the pink poop necklace with blue poop bags for a pop of color.
3. Make a poop skirt.
   
   
   
   
   Much like Josephine Baker did with bananas, I made a skirt of poop bags. I started with a blue bungee cord that was just the right size - and the pop of color matched the pop of color in the poop necklace. I put safety pins every three inches, down the length of the cord, filled hot pink poop bags with frozen blueberries (that will defrost as the heat of the day wears on) and attached one tied bag to each safety pin.
4. Create a poop purse.
   
   This was easy enough. Fill an extra hot pink poop bag with blueberries and hold it in your hand. A poop purse.
5. Add a pink wig, rose-colored glasses, sneakers to run the bases and voila!
   
   

HOW TO PLAY SOFTBALL DRESSED AS LADY CACA

I went to Savers, our local thrift store, and found two mitts: one for a child, the other a bit bigger. The big question I had was why were both for the left hand? I mean what are the odds that the two baseball gloves in a thrift store would BOTH be for the left hand? I figured what the hell; I hadn't played since I was 10 years old anyway and I am an ambidextrous mouser so I bought the bigger one.



When I got to the game, I told the coach about my skill level. She brought me out in the field for practice. As we walked, I told her about the left-handed glove. Well, she said. Most gloves are left-handed because most people throw with their right hand. Ohhhhhhhhh, now I get it. Surprisingly enough, I managed to catch every ball she lobbed in my direction.



I came up to bat before I even went into the outfield. My first time at bat (and much like Lady Gaga did with Cher at the MTV Video Music Awards) I asked the umpire if he might hold my poop purse. He graciously did. Or was it she?

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Why I Covered Lady Gaga's Hair (With A Heart On)

After ten years of partnership, George and I separated. George went to Missoula, Montana to attend university and I went on my first visit to a bar in (way over) ten years. I walked in and almost immediately the thoughts of an under-confident and physically insecure youngster came surfing back into my mind.

I'm not like these guys.
I'm unapproachable.
I'm not cute.
I'm too old.
I've got a gut.
My body is too hairy.
I'm a freak.

Holy shit! Who can weather that type of bullying? Without even ordering a drink I left the bar a shattered man.



This happened the same week that Lady Gaga's record Born This Way was released so, of course, I was listening to it on the way home. As track six was playing I came to a more personal understanding of the lyrics; it was my Gaga could've had a V8 moment.

In that moment of understanding, I decided to help this under-confident and physically insecure youngster inside me to embrace his perceived faults and realize that his differences are what make him special. The best way to do this, I surmised, was to cover track six, Hair, in a very public forum - with all these perceived faults on display. To make the video accessible in the public forum, I put a heart on.



THANKS TO:

• JesseLCue for the Hair backing track.
• Max, my Jack Russell Terrier, for making four unannounced yet pivotal appearances.
• My Vietnamese lady barber who collected the hair she cut off my head the morning I filmed the video so I could throw it to the wind.
• Mother Monster - for your inspiration, your honesty and your temerity. There are still many people (young and less young) who need to stand up and say to the naysayers (including those in our own minds), I was Born This Way, baby...and through your work, they are (and I am still) learning how.

UPDATE Fall 2012: I've lost almost 30 pounds since the filming of that video and look and feel great. What do you think of my Prince Harry salute?

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Gaga Goes To Google And To Oakland

This hour long interview (conducted as a Google all-hands) reveals Lady Gaga to be an articulate­, intelligen­t, charmingly sweet and positively determined musician. She was asked all types of questions via YouTube, the interviewe­r and the audience, and answered each one with honesty and humor. I appreciate­d her discussed artistry, her waxing philosophical, and her recognition of her fans. And damn, those boots!



And damn, the Monster Ball at the Oracle Arena in Oakland! But unlike last year's ball, this time I just watched, sang and danced. The only numbers I hadn't seen were Gaga's two renditions of Born This Way: one jazz-like at her piano and the other, a club banger to end the show. It was incredible to watch us, her fans, giving as good as they got at the show's end.

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All That Is Lady Gaga

Watch this red carpet interview and see all that is incredible about Lady Gaga.

2010 MTV Video Music Awards - More VMA Video

Brady Gaga Loves San Jose

I made a t-shirt, for Christ's sake. I was so excited to see Lady Gaga at the Monster Ball (HP Pavillion, Aug. 16, 2010) that I made a t-shirt. The last time I made a t-shirt for a concert I was 16 and went to see Heart on their first tour. It was a blue tank top onto which I had ironed red glitter letters that read Magic Man.



This time the shirt was white and extra large to cover my cell and my camera (on either side of my belt) and my paunch (right behind the buckle). The iron-on was Brady Gaga, an homage to the Lady herself as seen through the iconic Brady Bunch layout and font. (The photograph came on The Fame Monster USB Edition. Puff, puff.)



To put it simply, Lady Gaga was amazing. Forget about the excellent music and lyrics, the incredible production, the really phenomenal costumes, her poseur style of dancing and that she ACTUALLY SINGS AND PLAYS THE PIANO, Gaga, if I may be so bold, is this century's Aimee Semple McPherson (without the faked kidnapping and accidental overdose, of course). She preaches with a new medium, this Monster Ball. The Monster Ball will set you free.



Tonight is for everyone who has ever felt like a freak. My whole life, I was told that I wasn't pretty enough, wasn't thin enough, couldn't dance well enough, couldn't sing well enough. This is for all of you out there who have been rejected, marginalized, or cast out because someone thought you were a freak. Well, let me tell you what. Tonight, the freaks are all OUTSIDE, and I'VE LOCKED THE DOORS!


Montage from the Monster Ball Aug 16, 2010

She calls us by name too. Hello, San Jose. I didn't used to be brave. In fact, I wasn't brave at all. You have made me brave. Thank you so much for buying a ticket to the Monster Ball, San Jose, because you are what make it.



And every performance of the Monster Ball, her corporate sponsor gives $20,000 to Gaga's favorite charity, The RE*generation Campaign to help homeless GLBT youth. It is pretty incredible to be a fan and have your fan-dom validated by, arguably, the biggest star on the planet.



There is a sincerity behind Gaga and what she says. It made me feel good to hear an artist appreciate her fans so much. Gaga did more for me that night then some therapists I've known (and I've known some). And she's coming back to the Bay Area in March, 2011. I already bought myself a ticket. Yes, this 52 (by then) year old man is making another iron-on t-shirt because I'm going to see Lady Gaga at the Monster Ball again. And, even though I don't live in Oakland, I know she'll be glad to see San Jose. Paws up, little monsters!

Set List

Intro
Dance in the Dark
Glitter and Grease
Just Dance
Beautiful, Dirty, Rich
Vanity
Vanity (outro)
The Fame
LoveGame
Inspirational talk
Boys Boys Boys
Boys Boys Boys (outro)
Money Honey
Charity, tank top, thrown gifts and fan phone call
Telephone
Speechless
Piano talk, new album
You and I
So Happy I Could Die (costume change)
So Happy I Could Die
Put Your Paws Up (video)
Monster
Teeth
Alejandro
Poker Face
Paparrazi
Bad Romance (encore)

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Streisand and Gaga: Separated by Decades

One of them is a disguise - I'm just saying...

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