A Man and A Mouse

The Dolls Less Taken

2012-01-29T15:53:00.000-08:00

A Critical Analysis of Jacqueline Susann's Valley of the Dolls "1981"

The mythology of the 1967 film Valley of the Dolls is documented on Wikipedia but in short, Jacqueline Susann writes a novel about three gals (and the dolls with which they play) that sells more copies than The Bible. 20th Century Fox buys the rights to make a film. Judy Garland is hired. Judy Garland is fired. Patty Duke. Barbara Parkins. Sharon Tate. Helen Lawson. Barely Pink lipstick. Cross your heart beads. A wig. A toilet. A jukebox. An alley. A rousing financial (if not critical) success. Two deaths. (Tate and Susann.) Cult status. Immortality.

But the saga didn't end with Susann's death from cancer in 1974.

James Coburn, Catherine Hicks and Lisa Hartman
On October 19, 1981 (9-11 PM ET), CBS Television aired the first two hours of a miniseries (four hours total) purporting to be a remake of the iconic story containing material author Jacqueline Susann omitted from her original novel. This project was produced by 20th Century Fox and Irving Mansfield, and is called Jacqueline Susann's Valley of the Dolls "1981" (henceforth VOTD81).

"1981" cause it's special
The October 19, 1981 issue of People Magazine mentioned VOTD81 in Picks and Pans:

Susann's widower, producer Irving Mansfield, has made a new, updated version of her '60s bestseller that is even trashier than the 1967 movie — and better. Veronica Hamel is a porno star-turned-movie queen, Lisa Hartman a drugged-out rocker and Catherine Hicks an ingenue learning that, hey, movieland glamor is not a pretty business. The conclusion airs tomorrow.

I can't figure out if this makes VOTD81 a pick or a pan but it certainly makes it seem a lot better and steamier than, upon viewing, it actually is. In fact, VOTD81 is so mundane and sanitized I am convinced Ms. Susann rolled over in her grave when news of this travesty reached it. (Mansfield died in 1988.) Thank god, they kept the abortion!

Drummed Right Off Broadway
The Veronica Hamel Controversy
Neely O'Hara
The Cat Fight
Quotables
The New Material
Crawling Back To Hollywood
The End

VOTD81 Commercial

Drummed Right Off Broadway

Not surprising in a remake, the locale and industry for VOTD81 have been changed from New York and a theatrical milieu to Los Angeles and the movie business. Helen Lawson (proudly played by Jean Simmons in spite of it all) is now causing problems on her new FILM, Fanfare. Ann Welles (Catherine Hicks in a prickly performance) is a junior lawyer in the legal department of the studio that is producing the flick. That film studio is owned by Henry Bellamy (James Coburn doing his job).

Ann Welles wiping lint off a basic black suit
she sewed at 16 and still wears at 29.
Welles and Neely O'Hara (Lisa Hartman) are roommates. We find out they were BOTH raised in the mythical town of Lawrenceville (filmed so lovingly in VOTD67 with snow and Judith Lowry and everything but in VOTD81 only as a Hollywood set). Through this small town connection, the unknown Neely get's a supporting role in Lawson's big-budget musical.

The infamous plank and construction dolly
I'm not sure why anyone would make a musical like Fanfare - which WILL be nominated for several prestigious National Film Awards despite the caliber of costumes and songs we endure. Let's Be Lovers Tonight (which seems to sample melodically from The Way You Do The Things You Do) is performed by Neely in the shadow of a huge cruise ship - first as a dance with tens of dancers and then with vocal which is abruptly stopped by Miss Lawson's entrance mid-toilette. It is a big bloated production of the type that Hollywood didn't make in 1981 except as a segment of The Love Boat. And why a film director of any distinction (in this case, the distasteful and misogynistic Lyon Burke played by David Birney) would use a construction dolly and a plank of wood to carry his musical star center stage is puzzling.

More of Fanfare's resplendent production values
We Were Meant To Be Lovers is a frightening duet sung by Helen Lawson and Tony Polar (Broadway singer and Tattletales game show host Bert Convy who can't develop a character). It ties up the plot which in some way deals with the hardships the May-December couple has overcome, and seemingly solidifies Fanfare's status as an award caliber musical judging from the kudos when the film wraps.

Bert Convy is a dork.
Midnight Celebration is Tony's solo with eye candy provided by Veronica Hamel as Jennifer North. Convy lacks charisma and can't keep the beat in what is an uptempo number. Plot-wise, this is the number that incites Helen's determination to see Jennifer fired from the picture. Just like I had.

The Veronica Hamel Controversy

In 1981, Hill Street Blues was a huge success and Veronica Hamel, one of its stars, was hired to play Jennifer North. When the first television commercial for VOTD81 was aired, I was dumb-founded by her appearance and why she would be chosen? My guess is the producers didn't want to raise the specter of Sharon Tate so they hired this skinny brunette woman with a bust that wouldn't droop if she tied a weighted rope to each one and dropped the weight off a building.

Jennifer North as the NOW Woman
Turns out that thirty years later, Ms. Hamel gives the best performance in the film. She beautifully takes the high road when Miriam disses her centerfold and, partially because of Camilla Sparv (providing a nice, understated performance as the French woman who falls in love with Jennifer), Hamel makes the Jennifer North story most poignant. In more than a few scenes, Ms. Hamel showed grace and intelligence. And just as Sharon Tate did in VOTD67, Veronica Hamel brings humanity to Jennifer's final moments.

Neely O'Hara

Valley Of The Dolls IS Neely O'Hara, the premiere musical attraction in America today. Neely O'Hara is the part that any actress would relish. Tuneful songs, fabulous fashion montages, breakdowns, award-winning performances, sanitariums and the depths of degradation are all part of Neely O'Hara's oeuvre. It's no wonder that both Patty Duke AND Barbara Parkins auditioned for the role in VOTD67. (The former got the part; the latter played Ann Welles.)

Oy vey
For VOTD81, Lisa Hartman was hired to bring Neely O'Hara to life. Some might remember her as Tabitha on the eponymous Bewitched spin-off. Others might remember her attempts at rock stardom with early 80s LPs like Letterock and Hold On. But to see Lisa's perky facade attempt to reach Neely's personal degradations is just flat. She never reaches them. (To be fair, Patty Duke was a sitcom actress and recorded a few LPs but she was also an Academy Award winner for her powerful portrayal of Helen Keller in The Miracle Worker.)

Let's Be Lovers Tonight
One measure of a great Neely is the intensity of her breakdowns. There are two. In VOTD81, the first is Neely's high wire act on Wilshire Boulevard (after being told by Ted Casablanca that she disgusts him). The second is shortly after Jennifer's death when she leaves the stage mid-song and begins to hear voices backstage. (It is during this performance Hartman sings However Dark The Night, a credible song copped from the 1980 movie The Idolmaker.)

The schizophrenic Breakdown #2 puts Neely in a sanitarium where she meets Tony Polar, now a vegetable (sic), and reprises We Were Meant To Be Lovers, the treacly duet Polar had done did with Helen Lawson in Fanfare. After the high wire act, she just got better quickly and dyed her hair back to blonde. Neither breakdown is believable as Hartman is just not that deep of an actress but I did enjoy this exchange between Lyon and Neely regarding Ted Casablanca during Breakdown #1.

Lyon: Was he that good in the sack?
Neely: He's not bad.
Lyon: Best in the world huh?
Neely: I haven't done it with the whole world.

I just prefer the depths of degradation reached by Patty Duke in VOTD67.

The Cat Fight

Classic
The cat fight between Neely O'Hara and Helen Lawson (when Ms. O'Hara pulls Ms. Lawson's wig off and throws it into the toilet) is by far the most iconic scene in the Valley Of The Dolls legacy. Played for purpose by Patty Duke and Susan Hayward in the original film, the scene in VOTD81 is mundane and anticlimactic.

Not so classic
After sundry belabored insults have been thrown, Ms. Lawson walks away and a red-headed Hartman pulls from the back. And when the wig is removed, Simmons's hair is coiffed as perfectly as the wig - albeit with silver streaks. It's hard to tell if this was a second wig or Simmons's natural hair.

Kudos - No kudos
The most exciting moment of this scene was seeing a young Nathan Lane as stage manager interrupting the fight to get Ms. Lawson on stage. Personally, I would revel in the opportunity to remake a scene that has become such an iconic moment in the pantheon of gay popular culture. I would think Lane was probably as thrilled despite (or because of) the remake's quality.

Nathan Lane shocked at what women do
Lane's appearance can be looked at as an homage to the small yet pivotal appearance as stage manager by a then-unknown Richard Dreyfuss in VOTD67. How? Hindsight is 20/20.

Quotables

VOTD81 does not take place in a world where people carry fountain pens and order butterfly steaks as does VOTD67. VOTD81 takes place in a world where people wear the same clothes for almost two decades. This permeance of banality is also illustrated by some of its noteworthy quotables.

He's very able. He hired me. (Ann on the job)
You're not supposed to be able to find talent like that anymore. (Lyon about Neely)
You look like a porcupine in heat. (Helen to Neely)
Ohh! You're driving me crazy. (Jennifer to Tony)
Good luck to your producer. (Henry to Helen)

Now compare to quotables from the 1967 original:

A black Siamese should be very pretty. I'm Ann Welles. (Ann on the job)
Look at that face. It's all puffy. You're eyes are bloodshot. (Lyon about Neely)
They drummed you right out of Hollywood so, you come crawling back to Broadway. Well Broadway doesn't go for booze and dope. (Helen to Neely)
When did I ever do anything my mother told me to do. (Jennifer to Tony.)
I've had it rough before. I'm a barracuda. I don't need pills like Neely. (Helen downing her champagne in one gulp)

A favorite exchange occurred in VOTD81 between Henry and Ann after copulation. It alludes to their sexual practices.

Henry: Somehow I expected more reserve from you.
Ann: Why because I'm a lawyer? Everything we did was legal.

The New Material

This event was advertised as using material that Ms. Susann left out of the original novel. It's hard to tell what's new from Ms. Susann's point of view and what's new because the producers updated the story. Here is a list of some possibilities.

Ann mentions that Henry Bellamy had a long-term affair with Helen Lawson.
Ann is no longer a nubile virgin. She retrieves her phone messages (in that kicky, 80s type of way) and hears from three men: Paul Weber whom she met at the Ashton's is inviting her to try his hot tub, Warren Fields enjoyed the other evening, and an unnamed man wants his turn.
Ann sleeps with Henry Bellamy as well as Lyon Burke.
Despite the porno star tag used by People, Jennifer's past in nudies is alluded to but never confirmed. She did a magazine centerfold but, in France, she becomes a drug addict and a painter's model.
Helen wants Jennifer fired not Neely. And Jennifer is not fired.
Although trouble between Neely and Helen is alluded to, we never see aanything until the cat fight. To that point, Helen's issues had been with Jennifer.
Jennifer becomes the successful print model in a nationwide cosmetics campaign upon returning from France and not Ann.
Ann does not get hooked on dolls. In fact, she doesn't take one pill throughout the entire film. She's a good girl, she is.

Crawling Back To Hollywood

VOTD81 does retain some things from the original story and film. The most apparent is also the first: Dionne Warwick sings the title theme. This is unfortunate as hearing Ms. Warwick immediately makes one remember the more beautiful original (lyrics by Dory Previn, music by Andre Previn) titled (Theme From) Valley Of The Dolls. Even with lyrics by Sammy Cahn (music by George Barrie), What Becomes Of Love is a pale imitation.

What Becomes Of Love by Dionne Warwick over the title credits
As I mentioned, Jennifer still has an abortion. This gives Ms. North and Maude Findlay the distinction alone of having had an abortion on prime time television. And Tony Polar's sister, Miriam, still does the worrying for both of them because of Tony's congenital degenerative disease that ... was incurable, progressive and that there was not a thing ... they could do about. Of course, this horrible ailment from which Tony's father died in the back ward of a mental hospital - a vegetable is never named; it is just suffered from. In the 1967 original, it was Huntington's Chorea.

The End

Interestingly enough, the Valley Of The Dolls saga continued to continue after 1981. In 1994, a syndicated soap opera aired for 13 weeks (Mon-Fri) in select cities across the United States. It was cancelled after the 65 episodes. There have been umpteen theatrical burlesques that use the original screenplay as a jumping off point. And late last year, it was announced that Lee Daniels, the Academy Award-nominated director of Precious will adapt the novel for NBC, maintaining the original setting and 60s time period. Mad Women anyone?

VOTD81 has never been released for home sale on any media format. I recorded it on VHS tape when TBS ran the program in 1989. With commercials removed, it runs 225 minutes. Leave a comment if you want to know more.

Coming in 2012: Jacqueline Susann's Valley of the Dolls 1981

2011-12-25T10:56:00.000-08:00

Happy late 2011 holiday celebrating season to all! Here's a teaser for an upcoming 2012 entry.

Sharing Out-of-Print Content Through File Hosting

2011-12-22T10:56:00.000-08:00

This article assumes anyone following this procedure is sharing ONLY out-of-print content that can NOT be bought in your local mom-and-pop retail store or online vendor. Neither the article nor its writer advocates the downloading of copyrighted, in print media of any type because, simply, it is illegal and you can go to jail.

If you aren't able to find the out-of-print media you want after reading Sharing Out-of-Print Content Using BitTorrent, a file hosting server or cyberlocker might be the answer. (Wikipedia goes so far as to call them one-click hosting servers but I click way more than once to get through the process.) Those who upload files to a cyberlocker for storage usually pay for an account; you may upload files for free but it is removed from the server after a short period of time - usually thirty days. Those who download files from a cyberlocker may or may not pay for an account; you are allowed slow downloads without an account but the best downloading features are available only after paying. The following sections have more information.

What is File Hosting?
Finding Downloads
The End

What is File Hosting?

A file hosting server is hard drive space, connected to the internet, on which users can store files, and from which users can download said files. Individuals and corporations use these cyberlockers for personal or business backup that offers international file access and file distribution. Users can upload files to a cyberlocker and share them publicly or privately by assigning a password to the file. The following list is not exhaustive but contains the names of many cyberlocker companies.

Finding Downloads

Lots of people use cyberlockers for lots of things so it is somewhat of an art to find what you want on them, especially if searching for out-of-print media. Following is a list of shared file search engines. These search engines specialize in crawling large file hosting servers for links.

The unfortunate thing about using a shared file search engine is that often the files are named ambiguously or mysteriously. I recently downloaded files that were named numerically from 1awr.rar until 8hwr.rar. The art of the search enters when you want to find the original posting to which these ambiguous file names belong. The owner of the out-of-print media has often discussed it in a blog or disseminated the links in a forum posting.

Searching for content written up on a blog is often just entering your search terms appended with a popular blog platform name. For example, enter ritchie family all night all right 1983 blogspot if seeking a digital rip of The Ritchie Family's 1983 LP. With this particular search, the first result is a link to a FilesTube page with a download link for the All Night, All Right 12 inch rip. The third and the fourth results are links to entries on Blogspot that had links to a digitized version of this out-of-print disco album and probably a little information about the artist.

You can also register and join forums (bulletin boards) where downloading is discussed and links disseminated. Often within the threads of links to illegal (read copyrighted) downloads there is a lowly thread for out-of-print media or VHSrips (where much of the content is out-of-print). Sometimes you might be able to find forum pages (with download links) without registering as a member of the forum using Google's cache option or just clicking through a returned link; it is easier though to register and have full access by virtue of a profile. Registration is free. These download forums include:

The End

The end of the article anyway. The beginning of a search for the treasures that remain unbelievably and hopelessly out-of-print. Ask if there are any questions. I assume people have their own search tips and tricks.

Remembering Morgan (And It's Not MAS*H)

2011-12-08T11:50:00.000-08:00

With the news of Harry Morgan's passing, I remembered the first time I saw him act; it was in a 1951 potboiler-type film and his name was Henry. In fact, years later when Mr. Morgan popped up on M*A*S*H I thought Harry? That's Henry, the guy from The Well!"

Great smile!

I was 8 or 9 years young when I saw The Well in the late 1960s on WPIX-TV New York. The film is a racially charged drama that pits white against black amidst the investigation into the disappearance of a black female child. From gossip-mongering townsfolk to prejudicial police officers, violence and beatings erupt as the evidence points to Mr. Morgan as the kidnapper. (The line ...a thing like this could ruin me... and the age of the protagonists imply sexual molestation but in 1951 that's all they could do.)

The Well is uncompromising in its depiction of mob violence, crowd mentality, and the prejudice from which they are incited. Although the idiocy of the white racist characters comes off the worst, the film does not pander by putting the black characters on a pedestal. In fact, The Well puts everyone's warts out there - excepting Mr. Morgan.

Maidie Norman is heartbreaking

The film's actors are uniformly excellent with Morgan and Maidie Norman standouts as the suspect and the missing girl's mother, respectively. (Ms. Norman may have had her greatest success as the housekeeper in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane but she'll always be Dorothy, Olivia de Havilland's assistant, in Airport '77 to me.)

The best thing about The Well is it brings to life Anne Frank's famous quote, Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart. Yes, you've seen this type of thing before; life imitated art a little over a decade ago. But The Well still never ceases to make me well up - with anger and with joy.

RIP, Mr. Morgan.

The Andrea True Re-Connection

2011-11-25T16:37:00.000-08:00

A few years back I wrote about the Andrea True Connection and my search for the Connection leader's final (solo) LP, War Machine. The gist of the article though was how I managed to obtain the Connection's second LP, White Witch digitally.

Buy the Andrea True Connection import compilation CD called More, More, More. There are many with this title but it must be this specific one.
Import tracks 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 13 into iTunes.
Resequence a play list so 13 comes before 3.
(Optional) Buy the Right Stuff compilation CD More More More. (I told you.)
(Optional) Import tracks 8 and 10.
(Optional) Add the single versions of What's Your Name, What's Your Number and N.Y. You Got Me Dancing to the play list as bonus tracks 8 and 9.
Burn the play list and you have White Witch (plus bonus tracks) on CD.

Here's Missing Hits' rip of the first LP,
More More More

This, of course, was written before you could go to this gentle person's blog and download a rip of the White Witch LP. To date I have yet to find War Machine, True's foray into rock and new wave that was only released in Italy, in any of the usual or non-usual avenues.*

Tracklisting link
Anonymous review link
Following this third release, True had surgery on her vocal cords and was never to sing again. War Machine is the holy grail of record finders (notwithstanding my assertion a few years back that Buckingham Nicks is the holy grail or that Heart's Magazine is the holy grail.)

This week comes the news that Andrea True has passed. 68 years young and she lived in Kingston, NY! I lived in Tillson for a spell but I never met Andrea True (as I had Viola Wills). I always respected True's career though; with a thin voice that didn't exhibit power, Andrea True wrote the rule book on how to capitalize on a sex tape.

Get the cameras rollin'
Get the action goin'
True was a working actress in many pornographic films before a non-pornographic job in Jamaica stranded her with no way to export her compensation. (The island country was going through a period of political upheaval at the time and cash was not allowed to be taken out.) She called her friend Gregg Diamond (of Bionic Boogie disco group) and asked him to come down and help her to record a song. She would pay for it with the cash and could leave the country with the demo. Aren't we all friends with big time disco producers?

More More More on TOTP

More More More was the fruit of their labors (and True's cash). The track was credited to the Andrea True Connection, licensed to Buddah Records, remixed by Tom Moulton, and the rest, as they say, is disco history. Or at least can be read about at Andrea True's entry on Wikipedia. Here is a list of things that aren't on Wikipedia.

This video for the single War Machine from the elusive War Machine LP has surfaced on YouTube.

Sounding Grace Slick-esque in a 70s rock setting
Here is a SFW edit of one of Ms. True's 70s flicks called The Seduction Of Lyn Carter.

This is part 1. Part 2 is here.

The VHS cover is misspelled.
Here is a NSFW JPG of Andrea True performing in Dance Of Love, her 1974 opus.
A musical entity named Magna sampled True's Party Line (from the More More More LP) in a song called Power Supply.

Sampled? It's a remix.
Contrary to urban legend, the Andrea True Connection is not a one hit wonder. NY, You Got Me Dancing was released before, but included on, White Witch, the second LP; it hit the top thirty.

Andrea name-checked the most famous gay discos in New York
(Barefoot Boy, 12 West and the suspect, Regine's)
in this dance club smash
Andy P samples What's Your Name, What's Your Number on Name & Number. True's original track was also released before, but included on, White Witch, the second LP; it hit the top sixty.

Sampled? Just another remix
True appeared in the 2005 documentary Inside Deep Throat about the infamous porn flick. She had appeared in its 1974 sequel, Deep Throat Part II.

2005
Of course, there's the rightly ubiquitous More More More-sampled Steal My Sunshine.

Loved hearing this rediscovered in 1999

RIP White Witch. You are remembered as someone who gave pleasure - with your music.

Dabblin' in reggae

Looking fetching!

*But now, thanks to commenter Aaron Joy, you too can have a digital version of War Machine. Download the music here.

Bootlegging Broadway

2011-10-02T14:54:00.000-07:00

The links in this entry lead to a treasure trove of recordings that preserve Broadway performances for posterity. For example, a complete performance of Raisin, the 1973 Tony Award winner for Best Musical, is preserved on an audio recording taped by a member of the audience. How do I know? The person sitting next to the person recording the show had a persistent cough. I was listening to the recording on a particularly long drive and after a half hour I turned to the empty passenger seat in my car and said There's got to be a lozenge or cough syrup. Something..

The downloadable recordings (free via one-click hosting servers like Rapidshare) vary in quality. Some are theatrical soundboard recordings of excellent quality; some (as noted) are listenable with caveats. It is worth searching through the lists if you're a fan of Broadway and musicals.

Shooting With Pink Pistols

2011-09-19T08:51:00.000-07:00

I found a group online called the San Jose Pink Pistols. I know San Jose. I know pink. It was time to know pistols.

San Jose Pink Pistols is a fellowship that welcomes the LGBTQ community and inclusive-straights to meet at the San Jose Municipal Firing Range and bone up on the art of brandishing a weapon. Our Fearless Leader brings a couple of gym bags filled with rifles, handguns and bullets and allows everyone to share.

After hearing some scary shit via an orientation by our Fearless Leader and one of the range's volunteer safety instructors, I put on my eye and ear protection and chose a 9 MM Browning. (Elizabeth Barrett Browning manufactured guns? Who knew?) The Browning had a wood handle and was made for the Belgium army. My Leader walked me through the processes of assembling the handgun then handed me the disparate parts.

Browning Bulls-eye
Red circle first shots; Green circle final shots

I loaded five shells in the magazine (which loads just like a PEZ dispenser), slammed the clip up that mofo, racked the slide ... ready ... aim ... and slowly pulled back on the trigger five times.

Glock Bulls-eye
Red circle first shots; Green circle final shots

I reloaded the Browning and shot it again. I tried a .40-caliber and felt recoil but stood my ground. Next a .38 Special. (I didn't have the nerve to roll the bullet-filled barrel like a cowboy.) Finally, I reached for a .45-caliber Glock pistol. I looked at this movie star gun and knew that - as long as there was nothing IN the gun, I couldn't make a mistake. So I obsessed on making sure I knew how many bullets were in the gun, in the chamber, and how many I had spent AT ALL TIMES. My Leader checked back from time to time (as a responsible Leader would) and I shot a bunch more rounds. Definitely felt the most recoil with the .45-caliber.

Analyze your shoot based on
where the bullet hits the bulls-eye

I was told I had good grouping. According to Wikipedia, accuracy in aim and a steady hand are required to make your shots hit the target very close to each other in a grouping. You need only look at the circles on the bulls-eyes provided to know that this writer is a marksman with good grouping.

And I'm glad for this talent because we gotta keep ourselves armed and ready for the zombie apocalypse.

Shooting stall;
target is about 20 - 30 feet back

Wash your hands before you leave the range.
Use both wax earplugs and protective ear phones.
It is loud.
Always know how many bullets are in the magazine and the chamber, and how many have been spent.

NOTICE

Shooting stall; second view

Thanks to Will for the pictures
of the San Jose Municipal Firing Range.

Go For The Gold, Chaz!

2011-09-18T17:18:00.000-07:00

I was called out for being condescending. I wasn't though. I was merely correcting some facts a fellow Huffington Post commenter had gotten wrong concerning the career of Ms. Cherilyn Sarkisian Bono Allman - or as she is known on Twitter, Cher. Concurrently, I was pointing out the difference between the words artist, celebrity and star which the commenter was consistently confusing.

The cloud was abuzz with the news that Chaz Bono was a contestant on Dancing With The Stars; pro and con opinions as to whether the poster child for transgenderality (if I might use that word) deserved a place on the competition show were being defined in so many bytes. Cher, Lynnette Southwood opined, is a celebrity. How does that make Chaz one?

According to Merriam-Webster, celebrity is a noun defined as the state of being celebrated. Merriam-Webster then defines celebrated as widely known and often referred to. Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and the real housewives are celebrities - widely known and often referred to. Bristol Palin. like the Teen Moms on MTV, are celebrities. Widely known and often referred to.

Cher is also widely known and often referred to but that is fallout from a career of artistic accomplishments spanning 50 years. Cher is an actress and a singer as well as a TV performer. Cher has an Oscar for Moonstruck. She has many hit records and two television shows under her belt. Cher has acted on Broadway and been directed by Robert Altman. Cher is an artist - whether you like her art or not, Miss HP commenter - and because of that she is a also celebrity. SO far we agree.

Now, a star is a term manufactured in the early days of Hollywood for use by Hollywood. MGM - More Stars Than There Are In Heaven. Today star is synonymous with celebrity. Thus, industry movers and shakers can change the definition of star because they set the bar. And the producers of Dancing With The Stars do just that. The Real housewives of Bravo have never been asked to compete but the aforementioned Palin and Bono have. So Hollywood has expanded the definition of star to include, well, pretty much everybody (except the housewives). Kim and Rob Kardashian, Tom DeLay, Shannen Doherty, Joey Fatone, Drew Lachey, Nancy Grace and Kelly Osbourne are all celebrity stars in this cock-eyed caravan of dance.

As for Cher's son Chaz, he is no different from the others. Chaz is widely known and often referred to - a celebrity. He is a celebrity based on his lineage and activism although he might also be considered an artist, wannabe that is. To recap Chaz's history as an artist he, as Chastity, was in a failed rock band (Ceremony) and wrote a book (which I didn't read). He was the subject of a documentary (although the artist in the film's case is the filmmaker, not the subject, who gets the celebrity). Ultimately, Chaz manufactured his celebrity as a way to put a face on transgenderality (if I might use that word again). And he's now a star because of it.

Stardom is always manufactured. Years ago, it was the Hollywood studios who chose someone to whom they would give their backing. Today, it's television producers of shows like Dancing With The Stars and media, like TMZ and the Huffington Post, that chose to whom they give the backing of the star-making machinery.

So, as a star in every 21st century sense of the word, Chaz was chosen for Dancing With The Stars. I applaud the producers. Oodles of publicité. I've never seen the show but I might crank out the 99 cents to vote for Chaz. I still won't watch it but I will try and vote. (Is that how this show works?)

Lady Caca and Her Poop Purse

2011-09-05T18:27:00.000-07:00

It started with a softball game. And of course Lady Gaga. But then doesn't everything start with a softball game and Lady Gaga?

As a volunteer barkeep for the San Jose Gay Pride Festival, I participated in the kick-off event, a game of softball. Considering I hadn't played softball since I was 10, I wasn't quite sure I should; considering that you must dress as a movie star or music star of the opposite gender, I wasn't quite sure I shouldn't. I was told that it would be an expedition game so, after I looked up exhibition game on Wikipedia, I decided to go for it.

WHAT TO WEAR

Yes, I had my old go-to drag but did I really want to be a flat-chested guy in a fifty year old cocktail dress, wearing a moth-eaten mink stole and a ratty wig? Nah.

That night, during a bout of insomnia, I started rhyming words with Lady Gaga. Aga. Baba. CaCa. Dada. Eaea. Fafa. Wait. Caca? (ka.ka) I could be Lady Caca. And carry a Poop Purse.

HOW TO BECOME LADY CACA

Buy a bra and girdle combination thing.

I went to Marshall's to buy a bra and panty set. I couldn't figure out how the bra sizes worked so I asked the saleslady. She explained that the size is for the circumference of your back and that if I put the bra on backwards, snapped the catches in front, turned it around, and slipped my arms through the straps I could see if it fit. This worked and I was able to try on a few bras right there in the store!

Then I found this white bra/girdle combination thing that snapped under the crotch. I had no idea what it is called but I thought it might be more slimming so I asked the saleslady if I could try it on. Please do. she said. My fitting room girl will have something to talk about all day. The bra/girdle combination thing fit as good as I needed although I did buy a pair of white men's briefs; there was no way I was going to snap this contraption and have to run the bases in a softball game with my junk shrunk.
Buy poop bags and poop jewelry.

I chose hot pink poop bags to go with my pink-tinged wig. They came with a pink poop bag holder that most would put on their belts or dog's leash. I did put it on my dog's leash but then I put the leash around my neck for a poop necklace. I filled the pink poop necklace with blue poop bags for a pop of color.
Make a poop skirt.

Much like Josephine Baker did with bananas, I made a skirt of poop bags. I started with a blue bungee cord that was just the right size - and the pop of color matched the pop of color in the poop necklace. I put safety pins every three inches, down the length of the cord, filled hot pink poop bags with frozen blueberries (that will defrost as the heat of the day wears on) and attached one tied bag to each safety pin.
Create a poop purse.

This was easy enough. Fill an extra hot pink poop bag with blueberries and hold it in your hand. A poop purse.
Add a pink wig, rose-colored glasses, sneakers to run the bases and voila!

HOW TO PLAY SOFTBALL DRESSED AS LADY CACA

I went to Savers, our local thrift store, and found two mitts: one for a child, the other a bit bigger. The big question I had was why were both for the left hand? I mean what are the odds that the two baseball gloves in a thrift store would BOTH be for the left hand? I figured what the hell; I hadn't played since I was 10 years old anyway and I am an ambidextrous mouser so I bought the bigger one.

When I got to the game, I told the coach about my skill level. She brought me out in the field for practice. As we walked, I told her about the left-handed glove. Well, she said. Most gloves are left-handed because most people throw with their right hand. Ohhhhhhhhh, now I get it. Surprisingly enough, I managed to catch every ball she lobbed in my direction.

I came up to bat before I even went into the outfield. My first time at bat (and much like Lady Gaga did with Cher at the MTV Video Music Awards) I asked the umpire if he might hold my poop purse. He graciously did. Or was it she?

Lucy and the Retro Lawnchair

2011-08-11T05:30:00.000-07:00

I bought a fabulous retro lawn chair at a garage sale, schlepped it home, dragged it out of the car, set it up in the backyard, went inside to make a mint julep and came back out to find - I still had to use the rickety old wood bench.

Why I Covered Lady Gaga's Hair (With A Heart On)

2011-07-07T17:14:00.000-07:00

After ten years of marriage, George and I had physically separated. (Whether the physical separation is a permanent one has yet to be determined.) George went to Missoula, Montana to attend university and I went on my first visit to a bar in (way over) ten years. I walked in and almost immediately the thoughts of an under-confident and physically insecure youngster came surfing back into my mind.

I'm not like these guys.
I'm unapproachable.
I'm not cute.
I'm too old.
I've got a gut.
My body is too hairy.
I'm a freak.

Holy shit! Who can weather that type of internal bullying? Without even ordering a drink I left the bar a shattered man.

This happened the same week that Lady Gaga's CD Born This Way was released so, of course, I was listening to it on the way home. As track six was playing I came to a more personal understanding of the lyrics; it was my Gaga could've had a V8 moment.

In that moment of understanding, I decided to help this under-confident and physically insecure youngster inside me to embrace his perceived faults and realize that his differences are what makes him special. The best way to do this, I surmised, was to cover track six, Hair, in a very public forum - with all these perceived faults on display. To make the video accessible in the public forum, I put a heart on.

THANKS TO:

JesseLCue for the Hair backing track.
Max, my Jack Russell Terrier, for making four unannounced yet pivotal appearances.
My Vietnamese lady barber who collected the hair she cut off my head the morning I filmed the video so I could throw it to the wind.
Mother Monster - for your inspiration, your honesty and your temerity. There are still many people (young and less young) who need to stand up and say to the naysayers (including those in our own minds), I was Born This Way, baby...and through your work, they are (and I am still) learning how.

[title of show] @ Mountain View Center for Performing Arts

2011-06-30T06:43:00.000-07:00

Watching [title of show], the musical by two guys about two guys writing a musical, can be compared to looking at reflections in a hall of mirrors. Because a hall of mirrors also contains panes of glass, you never know if you are seeing something that is real or something that is a reflection. This concept of reality versus reflection initially confuses the storyline but, as the 90 minute show (with no intermission) moves along, meatier themes and more memorable songs are introduced that ultimately make for a sweet but mostly benign evening.

The Mountain View Center for Performing Arts (MVCFPA) production opened on June 1, 2011, following (by years) its premiere at the New York Musical Theatre Festival in 2004, and subsequent runs off-Broadway and on. It is this journey that is performed by a first rate cast including New York based actors Jamison Stern, Laura Jordan and Farah Alvin and the Bay Area's Ian Leonard. The ladies, Jordan and Alvin, come off best - probably because there characters are written with more depth and they have the most memorable songs. What Kind Of Girl Is She? is a wonderfully funny duet placed in the middle of the show which on reflection (yea, pun intended) seems the turning point to real. Jordan's Die Vampire, Die!, even with its somewhat forced lyrical metaphors, is a clever number, universal in its theme of defeating the doubts in our own heads. Alvin's solo A Way Back To Then is a triumph of simplicity and power, arguably the best song in the show.

Stern and Leonard are good enough despite their characters seeming as cartoons rather then flesh and blood. They also get saddled with inferior songs like Untitled Opening Number, Two Nobodies In New York and An Original Musical - unfortunately, the first three songs in the show. All four actors perform the nicely staged Monkeys and Playbills (with its roll out of classic Playbill covers), the rhythmic Change It, Don't Change It/Awkward Photo Shoot, and Nine People's Favorite Things, the final song that closes out the evening on a high note. Also, worth his weight in gold is William Lieberatore, MVCFPA's Musical Director, who accompanies the cast on stage and actually has a few small yet pivotal lines!

The set, with its backdrop of brick and plaster emulating a New York studio apartment, is bare bones and fits the scenario. Each character is given their own chair (shades of Miss Marmelstein in I Can Get It For You Wholesale?) and most of the numbers are staged using them. (I thought seeing Jordan's character, the only one with a full time job, rolling around in her $800 Herman Miller desk chair a nice touch.) Director Meredith McDonough has managed to create the whole of New York in this small apartment.

[title of show] is not a musical in the grand Broadway tradition. It does not use a full orchestra, there is no dancing and it has references that only theatre queens would recognize (the program includes a glossary for the uninformed). And, as directly quoted from the script, it often seems like obvious pandering and too self-indulgent. Still though composer Jeff Bowen and writer Hunter Bell have managed to do something that many other artists have not - get their work seen; that, in itself, makes [title of show] a triumph.

Sharing Out-of-Print Content Using BitTorrent

2011-06-26T07:01:00.000-07:00

This article assumes anyone following this procedure is sharing ONLY out-of-print content that can NOT be bought in your local mom-and-pop retail store or online vendor. Neither the article nor its writer advocates the downloading of copyrighted, in print media of any type because, simply, it is illegal and you can go to jail.

There's been a lot of outcry regarding the sharing community. It's illegal. Corporations are losing money. Artists aren't paid for their work. Now all may be true in regards to downloading current, in print works of art (term used loosely) but there is a side to the community that isn't often referred to: the side that shares older, out-of-print works of art to keep them alive. How many films have been made that are not available on DVD? How many vinyl records have never been digitized? How many books can no longer be found in vanishing libraries and book stores? Were it not for the sharing community, these works of art might become as extinct as the dodo bird.

Towards this end, I have been asked recently by a number of friends how to get some of these rare, out-of-print items. After spending two hours explaining how to use BitTorrent trackers to one friend, I decided to write this simple guide for the others - and anyone else that might be interested. This article contains the following sections.

What is BitTorrent?
The BitTorrent Sharing Procedure
Seeding and Leeching and Ratios, Oh My
Sharing Speeds
The End

What is BitTorrent?

BitTorrent Tracker Networks are peer-to-peer (computers like yours connected to computers like mine) networks that use the BitTorrent protocol to connect. In a nutshell, when you decide on content you want to share, you search for a small text file associated with the share called a torrent. A torrent file has the .torrent extension and allows for sharing, and tracking the multiple (and worldwide) locations of the specific content.

Because of its tracking feature, I will use the term tracker in this article (rather than torrent) to differentiate this small text file from any other uses of the word torrent.

When (and if) you find a tracker for content that is out-of-print, you open it in a BitTorrent application which then finds other computers (peers) that have this particular content, connects to them, and begins to share. The tracker essentially creates a network of personal computers solely dedicated to sharing this specific content. The BitTorrent Sharing Procedure delves into the details.

The BitTorrent Sharing Procedure

Download and install a BitTorrent application.

On the Mac, this application might be Transmission; on Windows, it might be uTorrent. There are many other BitTorrent applications and you may not find one you like until you've downloaded it, installed it and used it. I happened on Transmission after first trying something called Tomato Torrent. I will be using screen shots from Transmission. You can right-click on any of these screen shots to view the larger image.

Ensure that the peer listening port set in your BitTorrent application preferences (or options) is open in your home network.

I can't help with this as I don't know your internet service provider (ISP) or how your home network is configured or which application you have installed. You might not need to do anything. After installing the BitTorrent application, you can start sharing and see how fast the bits are transferred. If you want to investigate this step, try an internet search using terms that map to open port ISP application. For example, I searched open port uVerse transmission. Tweak the search terms based on your choices or add torrent or listening port to them and see what results are returned. It took a bit of work to find information on how to open my port but don't be discouraged - it's out there somewhere.

Create a directory on your computer called Torrents.

This is the directory in which you should put your downloaded trackers - assuming they are downloaded to a Downloads directory configured in your browser's settings.

Set this Torrents directory in your BitTorrent application.

I have set Transmission to download files into the same directory from which I will open the tracker. With this option, it does not require a specific directory but it does require that I (being the organized person that I am) move all my trackers into this one directory. I don't advise using more than one directory because you are allowing external access to whatever directory is defined. I'd rather my BitTorrent application only know about the one directory.

Download a tracker and move it into your Torrents directory.

This should take no time because the tracker, as mentioned, is just a small text file. Here is a link to a tracker page on btjunkie for Second Serve, a television film starring Vanessa Redgrave that was only released on Video Home System (yep, it's an acronym: VHS) tape in the United Kingdom.

Be careful that you are clicking the correct download link. Tracker search engines make their money when people click on the ads not when they download a tracker. Even an inadvertent click is money so, of course, the tracker download button is usually the smallest on the page. Read everything before you click. In this screen shot, you can see the word DOWNLOAD four times. I use the first Download Torrent with the green icon next to it. Be sure to read everything and choose carefully before you click.

NOTE: This screen shot I used is benign but be aware that many tracker search engines have pornographic advertisers with pee-pees and (mostly) va-jay-jays screaming hello. My suggestion is NOT to follow this procedure on a work computer or in a room where your mother might be sitting.

Also, be aware that different tracker search engines might have different trackers for the same file or different trackers associated with different files for the same content. It is all dependent upon which search engine the person who is sharing the file has decided to use to disseminate the tracker.

Start your BitTorrent application and open the tracker file from within it.

In this screen shot, File -> Open Torrent File opens a dialog box from which you will search for your Torrents directory, select the tracker you downloaded (and moved to the directory) and click Open. Note the Second Serve tracker name selected in the screen shot - including the year, movie name, additional text and the .torrent extension - is somewhat atypical for a tracker name; often you might just see the name with (seemingly) random numbers and letters and the .torrent extension. An Add dialog will pop-up and display the name of the file being shared.

Click Add to begin sharing this tracker.

A dialogue is displayed in which we are finally seeing the actual name of the files: Second Serve.avi and a small text file inside a folder named Second Serve will be shared.

Sometimes the file being shared will be a sole AVI file or content compressed into a ZIP or .rar archive. In the case of compressed files, you will need the proper software to decompress them.

Once added to the queue, the interface for your application might look something like this:

The slim blue line confirms that sharing has begun. You see other terms like All, Active, Downloading, Seeding, and Paused. These terms allow you to customize what you see. Do you want to see all trackers you have added whether they are currently being shared or not? Or do you want to see only those that are still in the queue but might be paused for one reason or another? Also note the terms Ratio and Seeding; these are very important terms which I will explain in a moment.

As sharing continues, I opened the information panel (on your left) so you can see from which IP addresses (with last numbers removed) this file is being shared. The BitTorrent application being used is also listed. Note the blue line on the right has gotten longer as sharing continues. (You can follow progress with the Time Remaining and % properties above the blue line as well.)

As sharing continues to continue, I opened the activity panel (on your left) so you can see how much of the file has already been shared. You see Downloaded, Uploaded and Ratio (again). Definitions coming up.

When the file is complete, this same Downloading screen will be empty but when you click the Seeding link and the Seeding screen is displayed, you see that the line is green and other computers are still sharing from your directory. You will soon be able to close the tracker file from within the BitTorrent application. See Seeding and Leeching and Ratios, Oh My for information on when this should happen.

Seeding and Leeching and Ratios, Oh My

More important than this procedure is the sharing community itself and how your actions relate to it. Let's first define two terms you need to know.

A seeder is a computer that contains the file you want. The seeder may have 100% of the file or 1% of the file; the percentage of the file on the computer does not matter because someone somewhere will be able to share whatever portion is present. When you open a tracker in your BitTorrent application and you have some (or all) bits from the associated file, you are seeding. You will always be considered a seeder until you close the tracker file and are no longer tracked as part of the network for that specific file.

A leecher is a computer that wants the file you have. The leecher may have 99% of the file or 0% of the file. When you open a tracker in your BitTorrent application to share a file, you are a leecher UNTIL you have completely downloaded 100% of the file. Once you have obtained 100% of the file, you are no longer leeching. But you may not be ready to close the tracker file yet.

The concepts that keep the community alive are generosity and fair sharing. People who digitize out-of-print content and begin to seed it by creating a tracker are generously donating their time and bandwidth so others may enjoy. There is an expectation among those who create content that those who leech content will also donate their time and bandwidth so others may enjoy. That's where your personal ratio comes into play. It is expected, as a model member of the sharing community, that you will give, at the very least, what you take.

For example, Second Serve is a 789 MB file so when you complete your leech you have downloaded 789 MB. It is expected that over time you will keep that tracker alive until you have seeded to others a minimum of 789 MB. This would give you a personal ratio of 1:1 for the Second Serve tracker. Thus, as you can enjoy this content others who have leeched from you may enjoy it as well. These leechers will, in turn, seed to others and so on and so on and so on. Now you can imagine what would happen if everyone who leeched immediately removed the Second Serve tracker and did not seed - the tracker will die and with it the ability for others to see this out-of-print content.

When you open a tracker and begin to leech a file, you almost immediately become a seeder as well. (Remember a seeder may have 1% or 100% of a file.) You will continue to seed as long as the tracker is active in your BitTorrent application. You can seed at the same time as you leech but, most probably, the bulk of your seeding will occur AFTER you have downloaded 100% of your file and have stopped leeching. That's because we are discussing files that not many people want or are even aware exists. I would venture a guess that 99% of those who are reading this article have never even heard of the movie Second Serve, the true story of a transgender tennis player.

It is expected that you will continue to seed until you have reached a positive upload:download ratio. 1:1 (as in our example) is the minimum positive ratio. The higher the ratio, the more you have contributed. If you have a good ratio, you will be more appreciated by the torrent community. When I learned about the community, I decided to keep my personal ratio at (a minimum of) 2:1. This means that three people will enjoy this content because of me: first (and certainly foremost) myself and then the two others alluded to by my upload number.

NOTE: Seeding and the ratio number are not as cut and dried as the previous sentence leads you to believe. Your BitTorrent application keeps track of your seeding total and ratio. Somewhere in your application's window you will see this ratio; in the Transmission screen shots it is in the top left corner. Thus you can technically be seeding to eight people but all is good as long as you keep a positive ratio.

If you have a personal ratio below 1:1 (meaning you leech 789 MB but only seed 100 MB) you are JUST leeching and not interested in helping others complete their download. In this case, you are cheating the community and we don't like leechers. A positive personal ratio indicates that you have sent more data to other users than you have received. People like seeders so please seed at least as much as you leech for each specific tracker. If you have a negative ratio there are other consequences (besides karmic) as discussed in Sharing Speeds.

Sharing Speeds

The speed of your share is dependent on a number of things.

Your personal ratio (see!)
Seeders THAT ARE ONLINE
Settings you have chosen for your BitTorrent application
Settings others have chosen for their BitTorrent application
Your personal network speed

#1 - Trackers keep track of your personal ratio as well as your BitTorrent application and will denigrate speed based on it. You want to download faster? Pump up your ratio. There are many seeders who keep to 4:1 or even 10:1 ratios. Even after completing a share with a personal ratio of (minimum) 2:1, I generally keep the tracker file and will open the tracker file to re-seed if I notice via comments in the tracker search engines that leechers are stalled at a certain percentage. It's karma, baby.

#2 - Now why did I capitalize THAT ARE ONLINE? Because many people shut down their computers when they are finished using it for the day. (I know I do.) So even though a tracker might know about a computer seeder, the owner might have shut the computer down for the evening. When that happens, the file ON THAT COMPUTER will only be available again when the owner turns the computer back on and starts their BitTorrent application. Because many out-of-print files might only have two or three seeders, the leech will undoubtedly take some time before the complete file has been downloaded to your computer. As you seed and turn your own computer off and back on, the leechers will find you again and the downloads can continue. This is expected by members of the community.

#3 - BitTorrent applications have options that you can set to limit downloads and uploads to specific numbers in KBs. These are your decisions to make. They are modified per specific tracker and I find I often change these options depending on how much desire I have to see something NOW.

#4 - Just as you can set download and upload limits so can everyone else.

#5 - This is a no-brainer - you can't get speeds faster than your ISP allows.

The End

Well, it's the end of this article anyway. There are more aspects of sharing out-of-print content using the BitTorrent protocol than I have documented but this should get you started. If you are interested in delving more deeply into other details, you can start with the BitTorrent entry at Wikipedia.

Now if you'll excuse me I am going to watch Second Serve and maybe after that I'll watch Isadora, both starring Vanessa Redgrave and both, at the time of this writing, hopelessly out-of-print.

Tin Roof Rusted - Or Snow in San Jose

2011-04-08T19:26:00.000-07:00

I was awoken at 1 AM by a loud, continuous, rat-tat-a-tat-tat. I knew it had something to do with the tin roof that covers the backyard patio. And for sure it was raining tapioca-sized hail.

With all the animals shivering around, we fell back asleep. When we awoke later that morning, there was snow on the grass and on the roof of the house. In San Jose, California. In mid-April.

It might not be a lot but my neighbor had a snowball he was saving! And it's something I've never experienced.

I hope my potato bush is okay.

Gaga Goes To Google And To Oakland

2011-03-25T20:17:00.000-07:00

This hour long interview (conducted as a Google all-hands) reveals Lady Gaga to be an articulate, intelligent, charmingly sweet and positively determined musician. She was asked all types of questions via YouTube, the interviewer and the audience, and answered each one with honesty and humor. I appreciated her discussed artistry, her waxing philosophical, and her recognition of her fans. And damn, those boots!

And damn, the Monster Ball at the Oracle Arena in Oakland! But unlike last year's ball, this time I just watched, sang and danced. The only numbers I hadn't seen were Gaga's two renditions of Born This Way: one jazz-like at her piano and the other, a club banger to end the show. It was incredible to watch us, her fans, giving as good as they got at the show's end.

Trim My Bush, Tabatha?

2011-03-13T17:22:00.000-07:00

Tabatha Coffey is tough, talented and taking over. A niche Suze Orman, Coffey is a no nonsense business woman (and studied stylist) who turns a tanking hair salon into a money machine in one week on her television show, Tabatha's Salon Takeover. A loyal fan, she also turned me into a stylist for my garden when it came to evaluating and trimming my overgrown blue potato bush.

THE CONSULTATION

What would you like to do with it, Michael?

I'd like to take off a good deal of length.

Has it ever been short before?

I imagine it would be healthy, low maintenance and majestic, like yours.

Yes, that it would.

THE CUT

I started with a blunt cut that became a guide for the trim. Then I sectioned it off and used bevel cuts for each part. (It was hard to keep the trimmer at 90 degrees.) I undercut the top so I could get to them with more ease. I wanted the very top to fall in layers. Once I got the graduated shape the way I wanted, I texturized the outer layer to add a studied naturalism and a subtle elegance. Voila!

THE ASSESSMENT

Michael wanted to be able to walk under his blue potato bush (which blooms flowers that are closer to purple but that's a digression). Michael wanted a blue potato tree that did not dwarf the California Redwood he has cared for since four inches tall. Now his blue potato tree is tall and majestic but not overpowering. If Michael keeps up with the low, monthly maintenance, he will have a lovely and healthy tree to add to the natural feel in his backyard for years to come.

Phenomenal Tabatha Doll ©minieyap
Click this text for more photos and details

Jean Arthur Is More Than A Secretary

2011-03-12T03:51:00.000-08:00

When I leave (the animals) Max and Lucy alone in the house I put the television on Turner Classic Movies for their company. When I return, if I see something worth viewing, I live rewind and enjoy it myself. And walking in to see the luminous Jean Arthur, a actor noted for playing tough, independent, and vulnerable middle-class working girls, is always good reason to live rewind.

Jean Arthur's most infamous asset (notwithstanding her skill as a comedienne) was her voice - a mash-up that blends the husky tones of Beatrice Arthur with the high-pitched squeaks of Butterfly McQueen (I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' babies!.). More Than A Secretary, the rewound film, takes place in the publishing offices of a health food magazine - a business setting not often seen in black and white comedies. So I spread my almond butter and conserves on rice cakes, poured a cup of sinfully delicious rice milk and lost myself in the antics of 1936.

Arthur (a stenog herself during World War I) owns a secretarial school and is tired of her (female) graduates getting the job but, in the end, taking the boss. She then receives a phone call from the editor of a health food magazine who has fired another of her students for being a poor worker. Her reputation impugned, Arthur goes down to the office, is mistaken for a job applicant and takes the secretarial job, and a shine to her new boss. Instead of reciprocating personally, George Brent promotes Arthur to associate editor, and takes a shine to Maizie, a non matriculated blonde floozy student who takes the boss for she can.

The interesting things in More Than A Secretary are the comparisons between yesterday and today. At one point, Arthur tries to convince Brent that a female model on the cover of the health magazine (rather than a male bodybuilder) is good marketing and not prurient. 'Blackface comics sell toothpaste,' she says as an example of good marketing. And almost fifty years before he hit supporting actor pay dirt as the old guy on the 1980s television hit Hart To Hart, Lionel Stander played the magazine's male bodybuilder model whose face is replaced in each of his pictures with that of a prettier man. The star crossed lovers even have dinner in The Eat Right, a vegetarian restaurant in which Arthur chows down on Pro-Toze, a steak made from vegetables and mashed nuts, only to spit the vegan meat into her napkin. Finally - SPOILER ALERT - Arthur sells her school and goes on the road with her girlfriend, in a car towing a camper.

Maizie, played by Dorothea Kent, is an offbeat character. In telling Brent how the older Arthur treated her at school, "More like a mother than a daughter." In fact, Maizie's role is of a secretary paramour; she is used, paid nicely and passed on by every boss in the movie. (The look on Brent's face as he tries to palm Maizie off on the next boss is priceless.) One of the more memorable scenes is when Arthur puts Maizie over her knee and gives her a good spanking.

More Than A Secretary is more than a movie; it's a bit of history not often seen (it's not on DVD) or documented. And it's Jean Arthur. And I just happened to catch it on a live rewind. Thanks Max and Lucy.

No Applause for Lauren Bacall

2011-03-08T14:49:00.000-08:00

For many years I have wondered about Applause, the late 1960s musical sourced from the classic film All About Eve. Listening to the Broadway cast recording is a mundane experience at best. The lyrics are simplistic and the melodies non-existent. My guess is that for a rasping vocalist like Lauren Bacall a melody would just get in the way.

The title tune is the most memorable song on the record but it's sung by Bonnie Franklin, not star Bacall. Fasten Your Seat Belts (alluding to the film's most quotable quote) is the horrifying first act closer with vocal "honks," if you will. And Bacall's plaintive ballad Hurry Back pains MY throat when I hear it. Bacall might have been good as Margo Channing (the grande dame of the theater famously played by Bette Davis on celluloid) but the cast recording does not give one much reason to hope.

So it was with trepidation that I watched the 1973 television adaptation of Applause. This special aired once on CBS, never to be seen again - and now I know why. It is not pretty. But for a television broadcast it was groundbreaking:

It portrays older woman Bacall in a relationship with younger man Larry Hagman. Hagman lip syncs to some vocal and does a little dance. His mother, after all, is...
The first big musical number But Alive is at a bar in Greenwich Village that only has male customers and where Bacall does her best dancing.
Ms. Channing and Eve are taken to said bar by Dwayne, Ms. Channing's openly homosexual assistant.

We get progressively cattier as the items continue.

According to the television title cards, there are six acts in this musical. SIX!
Fasten Your Seat Belts is still a horrifying number with vocal "honks," if you will, but with six acts it was no longer the first act closer.
Eve Harrington (you all know all about Eve) is portrayed devilishly by Penny Fuller who, with Bacall, originated the part on Broadway. Her big number One Hallowe'en is good despite the fact that it is just the opening number But Alive with some extra lines about her dad and Halloween. I don't even know why they had to use the apostrophe in Halloween.
Bonnie Franklin is NOT the Broadway dancer (or gypsy) who sings the title song Applause in the special although she was the gypsy who sang the song on Broadway. The girl who sings it on television was never heard from again and Bonnie Franklin went onto great success as the star of CBS' own situation comedy, One Day At A Time.
The movie is so much better.
This retelling of Eve's story paints her as a literal whore - thanks to the permissive 1970s television standards.
In one scene, Ms. Bacall as Ms. Channing is having pictures taken for a coffee advertisement while Ms. Bacall was famous in the 1970s for her High Point Decaffeinated Coffee television commercials.
They dropped a bunch of songs but not the sappy, lesbianic anthem The Best Night Of My Life.
Ms. Bacall's solo performance of Something Greater is one for the annals of histrionics.
Why wasn't Margo Channing (the character in the musical) made a musical comedy star rather than a dramatic actress? She speaks throughout Applause of the play she is in, the writer's new play, the play in which Eve wants the part, the play, the play, the play. Then why bring gypsies into it for one scene? Gypsies are in musicals.
The show ends with a very surrealistic curtain call.

Well, this 1973 television production does not give one much reason to hope that the Broadway production was any better. To be fair, Ms. Bacall was the least of this shows problems which began with Betty Comden, Adolph Green (I know!), Charles Strouse and Lee Adams (I know.)

But you can watch this television version of Applause right now and see for yourself the catastrophe that it is. MikeyG0901 has edited the recording into ten minute clips. The first one is below. Just click through to the YouTube page and follow the part numbers.

Or email me for a download URL to an WMV file that contains the complete almost two hour special.

Here's the original review of the theatrical production reproduced from the New York Times. Clive Barnes loved it. Maybe it loses something on the small screen - or maybe he's tone deaf.

Right click to enlarge

The Angiogram and Me

2011-02-19T18:40:00.000-08:00

On it's first anniversary I am posting this entry about my experience with chest pain.

I was having problems taking a deep breath and there was chest pain. Being a stalwart he-man I waited six days before I had finally freaked myself out long enough to casually mention the issue to the more cautious he-man at home, George. Before I knew it I was in the car, driving 40 MPH in a 25 MPH zone to the emergency room down the street at O'Connor Hospital. I sat down in the (thankfully empty) waiting room trying to inhale some oxygen as George walked up to the nurse on duty to explain the situation. Within minutes, they had returned to my chair so I could sign the waivers.

When was the last time you went to a doctor?

Ten years ago.

Do you remember who it was?

Hmmm. I think...it...was...um...what was...oh, yeah...Pahdma Mahajan.

They both laughed thinking I had remembered an easy name like Joe Smith. Are you kidding? This is the Silicon Valley.

Would you like a coffee? the nurse asked in her New York accent. (Hey, I have one of those too!)

No thanks. I've had some this morning but maybe George... I replied, trailing off.

Huh? she asked quizzically.

George wondered aloud whether she really thought coffee was the best thing for me right now and the nurse replied, giving us all a big laugh, A copy. Do you want a copy?

Those New Yorkers.

I was brought back to the ER and immediately given an EKG; X-rays were also taken. Everything was fine - except of course that I was in pain and couldn't breathe. The doctor decided to admit me to the hospital to monitor the enzymes that are present in your system if you are, in fact, having a heart attack. They put me on a gurney and wheeled me up to the fourth floor. This would be the first time I had been in a hospital overnight since my tonsils were taken out at the age of 22. (I would not recommend that operation to anyone over 10 years old.)

The admitting nurse hooked me up to the heart monitor and started documenting my health history. When we were done, I asked her if I might call my co-workers since my earlier, quick email to them read something like Forgot I had to run to the doctor. She said I could. I also asked if I could stand up because my ass was killing me. She told me that would be fine also. I was actually feeling pretty good by then since they had given me synthetic morphine.

I was walking around the small waiting room as I spoke on the phone when the nurse looked in on me. Are you dancing in here? she asked. Your readings are off the chart! (Not dancing - zumba!)

Monitoring the heart enzymes meant that the nurse had to take blood from me every 8 hours; at 3 AM that morning I was woken up. I was also not allowed to eat because first thing in the morning I was having a stress test and a nuclear heart scan. So when they came to get me at 8 AM, I was tired, hungry and, once again, in pain.

With a nuclear heart scan, two sets of pictures are taken. The first set is right before a stress test while your heart is beating at a normal rate. The second set is right after a stress test while your heart is beating fast. (During a stress test, you run the treadmill to make your heart work hard and beat fast.)

Everything in the stress test proved positive...or is it negative? I got up to 90% of heart rate with no incident - whichever sign that is. The heart scan though showed a miniscule portion of my heart was not getting blood whether my heart was beating fast or slow. The doctor would have sent anyone else home but because of my family history, he recommended the Big A: an angiogram.

He explained to me what an angiogram was. They would puncture the femoral artery in my right thigh with a hollow needle and insert a guide wire through the needle. The wire is then used to guide a catheter to the heart so they can take pictures of it.

Operation? You are playing Operation in my leg?

This doctor, another New Yorker laughed. Yea, I guess we are.

I agreed to the procedure remembering the Mattel game and praying to the heavens above that he didn't get buzzed for touching the sides. The next morning they brought me down to the operating room to start me on a local anesthesia. Yes, I was going to be fully awake.

Do you need to put my feet in stirrups? I asked the anesthetist. She had to run and get a towel to wipe up the anesthesia she spilled on the floor.

I was released later that day as everything was negative...or is it positive? (The good one.) And within a day or so, the only issue I had was the leg pain from where the catheter was inserted. Don't ask me what the problem was because I couldn't tell you. I CAN tell you though the whole three days cost $56,000 and I had to pay $2000 of that. Six more monthly payments to go...and I have insurance!

Liza Minnelli's Balls To You: The Lost Master

2011-01-22T23:00:00.000-08:00

In December of 2010, TCM aired a new interview of Liza Minnelli as part of its Private Screenings series. During the interview, Liza told a story about her godmother Kay Thompson which ended with Ms. Minnelli spouting the phrase, Balls to you! When I saw that I thought, "What a kicky gal!"

Fast forward to mid-January 2011 and Liza has the fastest rising recording of her career with the myriad remixes of her Balls to You outburst. Here is the outburst from the original interview, put into context by host Robert Osbourne - the lost master, if you will.

And here is my favorite remix. It has a classical feel similar to the disco version of Could It Be Magic.

And if you can't live without more balls, here's the official Liza Minnelli Balls to You search page on YouTube. Among many short (two seconds) and long remixes (ten minutes), you can also relish the radio friendly five minute mix, the early 80s vibe of ¡REM!X¡FY THAT! ep.5, the ubiquitous Autotune Remix, or the techno vocal mash called simply Liza Minnelli (Remix).

Liza's got almost as many lives as Cher!

The Great Kugel Debate of 2011

2011-01-17T17:36:00.000-08:00

When I decided to throw a bagel and lox brunch I went to the source for a noodle pudding recipe or as it seems to be more commonly referred to amongst the goyem - kugel. By telephone, My Yiddishe Mama handed down to me the following recipe.

Now it is very large. You can freeze the leftovers. 16 ozs medium noodles. [Egg?] I don't know. They're medium noodles. It says on the package. One pint sour cream. A few years ago I started using low fat. I never told your father. 6 eggs. 3/4 of a pound cream cheese. Again, low fat. 1 cup of sugar. I use less than that. The original recipe says to hold back 1/4 cup of sugar for the topping but I still use less and I do something different with the topping. 1/2 lb butter or margarine. I use margarine for your father. You're going to melt this. So start boiling the water for the pasta and while doing this - beat the eggs and sour cream together. You can do this in a big pot or a big bowl but it has to be big enough for the noodles. Add the sugar and melted butter and mashed cream cheese. Oh, before you boil the water for the noodles take the cream cheese out of the fridge and let it soften so you can mash it. Then add the 3/4 cup sugar, melted butter and mashed cream cheese to the eggs and sour cream. The noodles should be ready now so drain them, splash them in some cool water and add them to the mixture. Coat the noodles and empty the bowl or pot into a 13 x 9 pan. You know the large square pans. They sell those tin foil ones at the supermarket. Make sure you grease the pan first. Butter or margarine. I use margarine for your father. Now, the topping. Crush 1/2 cup corn flakes and mix it with 1/4 cup of sugar that was saved from before and some butter or margarine. Spread this over the top of the noodles. Over the years, I realized Frosted Flakes works just as well so that is what you have been eating. Cover with tin foil and bake at 350 for about an hour.

As my brunch guests and I were enjoying the mildly sweet kugel we started wondering what the word meant. See, my mother called the dish we were now eating noodle pudding. There was another savory dish she had baked often that we referred to as potato kugel; that was served with pot roast. So was kugel a Yiddish word for a noodle dish? Was it a Yiddish word for a potato dish? Did it have to be sweet OR savory? Or was the word actually a more high-level word for a dish with a lot of carbohydrates - although I'm sure the Jews in the town of Anatevka didn't choose their foods based on the protein or carbohydrate count. We might never have known the answer had one of my guests not told us that he happened to have a Jewish cookbook in the car. Always prepared, he returned with the book and read:

Kugel is a baked Ashkenazi Jewish pudding or casserole [Ed. a dish with a lot of carbohydrates!], similar to a pie, most commonly made from egg noodles or potatoes. The name of the dish comes from the German kugel meaning "sphere, globe, ball"; the Yiddish name likely originated as a reference to the round shape of the pot in which the food was baked. Nowadays, however, kugels are often baked in square pans.

Even Max got a bagel!
So, that was the pronouncement at the great kugel debate of 2011. And, in more traditional form, this is the recipe for my mother's noodle pudding now rechristened (although that might not be the right term for a Yiddish-themed blog entry) Noodle Kugel.

Large Noodle Kugel

freeze leftovers

16 ozs medium (egg) noodles
1 pint (low fat) sour cream
6 eggs
3/4 lb (low fat) cream cheese
1 cup of sugar (3/4 c and 1/4 c.)
1/2 lb butter melted
1/2 c. corn flakes
pat of butter

1. Take cream cheese out to soften
2. Boil noodles
3. Beat eggs and sour cream together
4. Mash softened cream cheese
5. Add 3/4 c. sugar and melted butter to mashed cream cheese
6. Mix everything together
7. When noodles are done mix them in
8. Pour mixture in a greased 13 x 9 pan
9. Mix 1/4 cup sugar and butter pat with crushed corn flakes and sprinkle on top (or use frosted flakes)
10. Cover with tin foil and bake at 350 for about an hour

Joan Rivers on Lady Gaga

2011-01-04T20:32:00.000-08:00

She's back and she's on the Fashion Police.

I was not able to save the clip where Joan looked at the butt of a celebrity in a white gown and said, "It can't be Courtney Love because there are no skidmarks on the gown."

The Internet Is For Porn

2010-11-18T16:55:00.000-08:00

Came home early today and caught Max in the act. Thankfully, his paws were in plain site.

Attorney Phaedra Parks

2010-11-03T21:36:00.000-07:00

I'm not saying Attorney Phaedra Parks is a racist but she certainly is an ass. Here is Attorney Phaedra Parks speaking about her biracial husband:

I am a connoisseur of finer foods. You know, growing up in a white household, he's [her husband] not used to all this fancy stuff. He likes canned foods. He likes packed meats. He just doesn't care. But it's very important for me to feed people the way I like to be fed which is the best of the best.

How would that direct quote sound if you replaced white with black, canned foods with fried chicken and packed meats with watermelon? With all her college degrees, Attorney Phaedra Parks still manages to be stupid.

Here the mannequin-like ridiculousness that is the self-anointed Goddess of Lips (uh...Light) Attorney Phaedra Parks introduces her magnificence in the first episode of season 3, The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

We can pretty much surmise that there was no one on the other end of that cell phone. Attorney Phaedra Parks, you're playing yourself.

Memories from Massapequa

2010-10-30T09:03:00.000-07:00

Some pix I took when my parents and I re-converged on Long Island (for the first time in thirty years) for my brother Andy's wedding to Angela.

The corner of our childhood

10 Tanwood Drive, Massapequa, NY 11758

Toby at Tackapausha

Tackapausha

Jerry at White Castle

Adventureland on Route 110

Michael with his Mommy and Daddy

The Teger Men

The younger Teger Men although it's all relative now

Dancing with the Stars

Who knew?

Add Ava, Billy and Stephanie

Um - where's Lisa?

Musical Moments from I Love Lucy: LP to MP3

2010-10-21T20:55:00.000-07:00

Musical Moments from I Love Lucy was Desi Arnaz's last project before his death. The album was originally intended for mail order only so had a very limited pressing. It was released in 1982 to commemorate the 30th Anniversary of the premiere of I Love Lucy.

Desi introduces each cut. The performances are taken directly from the I Love Lucy television series soundtrack and will be most familiar to those who know the series well. Personally, I was pleased to hear Lucy tell us about the friends of the friendless and to imagine Lucy listening to Babalu as the Maharincess of Franistan.

The medley is, as Ethel says on the recording, the pièce de résistance of this soundtrack. Desi pulled a performance of There's A Brand New Baby At Our House (a song he wrote when Lucie was born) from a radio broadcast and created a medley with We're Having a Baby, the song he wrote for Little Ricky/Desi, Jr. and sang on I Love Lucy. Seemingly, there is now a song for both of his children on this record.

As a 21st century extra, I've added a ringtone of the I Love Lucy theme to the ZIP so you can love the redhead when you answer your phone. Here is the track listing.

Side One

I Love Lucy Theme
Cuban Pete & Sally Sweet
El Cumbanchero
Straw Hat Song
Guadalajara
Medley: There's A Brand New Baby In Our House/We're Having a Baby

Side Two

I Love Lucy Theme
We'll Build A Bungalow
Granada
Mama Inez
Babalu
I Love Lucy Theme - Vocal

Download the ZIP by right-clicking the album name in the first sentence and saving.

Megie Megie Megie: An ABBAesque Ode

2010-10-15T15:13:00.000-07:00

Although I wrote the lyrics to refer specifically to Meg Whitman, her greed, and the $140 million she is spending to become California's next governor because she thinks she's great, the theme can refer to any of the politically-new and wealthy candidates who are using their own money because they will do such great things when in office: like removing the capital gains tax so they can keep more of their money, like extending the Bush tax cuts so they can keep more of their money, and making sure we have to cut funding to public schools and services.

Linda McMahon

Rick Scott

Carly Fiorina

Carl Paladino

John Raese

Soylent Pink Is Chicken!

2010-10-04T21:16:00.001-07:00

Although it looks like a pink Lock Ness Monster, the paste in this image is the meat scraped from chicken bones using a machine. After manual cutting, leftover chicken bones are passed under a high pressure blade to scrape them 100% clean of meat. This paste goes on to become the main ingredient in hot dogs, bologna, chicken nuggets, pepperoni, salami and jerky. (This is also done with turkey and pig bones although they stopped using beef bones when testing showed that parts of the bovine central nervous system - which is where Mad Cow germs are - ended up in the meat.)

I ain't typing anymore. For more information, see Fooducate...or not.

The Mad Men Elevator Waiting Area Fashion Showdown

2010-09-23T16:49:00.000-07:00

We are in the middle of season 4 and Mad Men is still one of the best television shows on the air.

At the end of episode 9 (The Beautiful Girls), there is, what I call, the Mad Men Elevator Waiting Area Fashion Showdown between four women of the show: Joan (Christina Hendricks), Peggy (Elizabeth Moss), the incredible new character Faye (Cara Buono) and a brief yet pivotal appearance from Peggy's lesbian friend, Joyce (Zosia Mamet). Incredibly enough, there is no fabulously witty dialogue but I felt the scene mesmerizing enough to upload the clip so I can watch it whenever I want. Now you can too.

Thank you, Matthew Weiner and company for this incredible experience called Mad Men.

The Rabbit Brush

2010-09-19T20:36:00.000-07:00

I touched a $1500 cocktail dress designed by William Travilla at the Vintage Fashion Expo. He dressed Marilyn Monroe. Scoped out a few $400 lucite purses with antique metal clasps of all intricacies. Saw a $600 pearl neck collar that draped like flapper beads and a $1200 Coco Chanel suit - in which no figure that reflects back at me in the mirror would fit.

So I bought a hair brush.

The booth's curator walked over to me as I picked it up.

I knew this rabbit brush would go fast. Its fabulous.

I know. I replied. It reminds me of the horrible face Fiver made when he and the other rabbits were forced out of the meadow by man's tractors in the animated film version of Watership Down.

After an awkward moment of silence, I continued.

I can't stop looking at it so I think I should buy it.

I smiled, plunked down the cash and became the proud owner of a rabbit brush

After lunch I washed my hands so I could take my new rabbit brush out of the bag and look at it. As I turned it over, in the light of the cafe, I could see some etching. I mentioned this to my friend.

Michelle, there's some etching on the back of the handle.

What's it say? asked Michelle through the mastication of her veggie burger.

I need glasses. I anguished until my arms were as long as my eyes needed. Oh, wait. I can see. it says 'HARE BRUSH'.

Oh, hair brush, yea. said Michelle, still masticating.

Ohmigod. No. H-A-R-E brush - like the four-legged rabbit.

The Hare Brush. Now I get it.

All That Is Lady Gaga

2010-09-14T18:34:00.000-07:00

Watch this red carpet interview and see all that is incredible about Lady Gaga.

2010 MTV Video Music Awards - More VMA Video

Carol Channing Can Do A Lot For A Corset

2010-09-04T09:32:00.001-07:00

The First Traveling Saleslady is the first film in which Carol Channing sang a song. The movie is not available on DVD and all I could find online was this still.

So, for the INTERNET WORLD PREMIERE, I set up my camera in front of the TV and, until a better version can be had, here is vintage Channing (with some faux piano help from Ginger Rogers) singing A Corset Can Do A Lot For A Lady from The First Traveling Saleslady.

In the clip, actress Molly and saleswoman Rose (progressives) are trying to interest a theatrical producer in adding a number featuring their corsets - despite his fears of reprisal from the Purity League (conservatives).

Paris Hilton Denies Underpants Ownership

2010-08-30T15:12:00.000-07:00

In other news, Paris Hilton was pictured getting out of a black SUV wearing underpants. According to Ms. Hilton, 'Those underpants were not mine. I was wearing them for a friend.'

For even more news, see The Day Paris Hilton Went To Rehab.

Incredible Turnout at Beck's Rally

2010-08-28T13:18:00.001-07:00

Why is being able to hold Beck's rally in his chosen location despite its offense to a certain group of people different from being able to build a Muslim community center in THAT location despite its offense to a certain group of people? It's not; it's called FREEDOM.

More background regarding this allegory: Beck Tweets for White Power

Originally posted here but so good I wanted to reiterate. Thanks devilgrrl.

Separated at Birth: Pluto & Rick Scott

2010-08-25T09:59:00.001-07:00

Brady Gaga Loves San Jose

2010-08-22T09:47:00.000-07:00

I made a t-shirt, for Christ's sake. I was so excited to see Lady Gaga at the Monster Ball (HP Pavillion, Aug. 16, 2010) that I made a t-shirt. The last time I made a t-shirt for a concert I was 16 and went to see Heart on their first tour. It was a blue tank top onto which I had ironed red glitter letters that read Magic Man.

This time the shirt was white and extra large to cover my cell and my camera (on either side of my belt) and my paunch (right behind the buckle). The iron-on was Brady Gaga, an homage to the Lady herself as seen through the iconic Brady Bunch layout and font. (The photograph came on The Fame Monster USB Edition. Puff, puff.)

To put it simply, Lady Gaga was amazing. Forget about the excellent music and lyrics, the incredible production, the really phenomenal costumes, her poseur style of dancing and that she ACTUALLY SINGS AND PLAYS THE PIANO, Gaga, if I may be so bold, is this century's Aimee Semple McPherson (without the faked kidnapping and accidental overdose, of course). She preaches with a new medium, this Monster Ball. The Monster Ball will set you free.

Tonight is for everyone who has ever felt like a freak. My whole life, I was told that I wasn't pretty enough, wasn't thin enough, couldn't dance well enough, couldn't sing well enough. This is for all of you out there who have been rejected, marginalized, or cast out because someone thought you were a freak. Well, let me tell you what. Tonight, the freaks are all OUTSIDE, and I'VE LOCKED THE DOORS!

Montage from the Monster Ball Aug 16, 2010

She calls us by name too. Hello, San Jose. I didn't used to be brave. In fact, I wasn't brave at all. You have made me brave. Thank you so much for buying a ticket to the Monster Ball, San Jose, because you are what make it.

And every performance of the Monster Ball, her corporate sponsor gives $20,000 to Gaga's favorite charity, The RE*generation Campaign to help homeless GLBT youth. It is pretty incredible to be a fan and have your fan-dom validated by, arguably, the biggest star on the planet.

There is a sincerity behind Gaga and what she says. It made me feel good to hear an artist appreciate her fans so much. Gaga did more for me that night then some therapists I've known (and I've known some). And she's coming back to the Bay Area in March, 2011. I already bought myself a ticket. Yes, this 52 (by then) year old man is making another iron-on t-shirt because I'm going to see Lady Gaga at the Monster Ball again. And, even though I don't live in Oakland, I know she'll be glad to see San Jose. Paws up, little monsters!

Set List

Intro
Dance in the Dark
Glitter and Grease
Just Dance
Beautiful, Dirty, Rich
Vanity
Vanity (outro)
The Fame
LoveGame
Inspirational talk
Boys Boys Boys
Boys Boys Boys (outro)
Money Honey
Charity, tank top, thrown gifts and fan phone call
Telephone
Speechless
Piano talk, new album
You and I
So Happy I Could Die (costume change)
So Happy I Could Die
Put Your Paws Up (video)
Monster
Teeth
Alejandro
Poker Face
Paparrazi
Bad Romance (encore)

Now That's What I Call Packing!

2010-08-20T08:13:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I went into the garage to empty some boxes still packed for our move from Denver two years ago. Inside one of them, I found a box of band-aids - which was perfect timing because we needed band-aids.

When I opened the box, I saw an excellent representation of the mantra of good packing: never ship air.

No bird has been harmed in the packing of these band-aids.

There Was No Body

2010-08-18T11:10:00.000-07:00

I brought my car into the shop the other day and took the bus home. This particular bus route passed by the downtown San Jose County Court and Jail. At the stop in front of the building, two disheveled men and one trashy looking woman boarded and sat down in the seats behind me. I was oblivious to their conversation until I heard the woman say, "Yea, they let me out. There was no body. There was no weapon. What else could they do?"

The Left Closet is the Costco of My Room

2010-05-20T17:47:00.000-07:00

I have two closets in the room in the front of my house that I use as an office. The closet on the right contains stuff I need on a daily basis. For example, my checkbook, the backpack for my laptop, a book I'm trying to get through and hard printouts of current projects.

The closet on the left side of this room contains things that I will need but nut necessarily on a daily basis: blank envelopes, blank media discs, and older fiscal records on the way to the shredder. Thus I decided the left closet is the Costco of my office.

In that vein, the dining room is the Costco of the southern half of the house including itself, my office and the living room (which has no storage space). The breakfront in the dining room contains games, extra vases, extension cords, pens and pencils, and a hammer, nails and screwdrivers.

To continue, that makes the mud room in the back of the house, the Costco for the upstairs of the house (garbage bags, cleaning supplies) so a daily trip to the basement is not warranted. I'm getting older.

And to complete this virtual trompe-l'œil, the basement is the Costco for the whole house - reams and reams of toilet paper so we never run out (Costco brand), reams of paper towels (not essential enough for reams and reams), sponges and laundry detergent. The electric tools and brooms are relegated to the backyard - the Costco of the property (cat litter, bird seed, buckets, hand truck).

I am writing now with the Costco of my brain - reams and reams of thoughts, really cheap.

Make a Free Ringtone for Your iPhone

2010-05-06T18:57:00.000-07:00

You don't need to buy them if you have the song. Ringtones for the iPhone can be no longer than 30 seconds. This procedure was done on a MacBook Pro with OS X version 10.5.8.

Open iTunes.

Choose a song.

Find 30 seconds of the song that you want to use as a ringtone.

For example, I want to use 2:11 through 2:41 of 6060-842 by the B-52s. (You can also choose a short song; I also made a ringtone from the 20 second I Love Lucy Theme.)

Select the song you've chosen.

Right click the selected song and choose Get Info from the drop down box.

Click the Options tab.

Put a check in the boxes beside Start Time and Stop Time, enter the times you selected for the ringtone and click OK.

For example, I used 2:11 for the Start Time and 2:41 for the Stop Time.

Choose Create AAC Version from the Advanced drop down menu.
The new, 30 second AAC version of the song appears below the original.

From the Finder, search the song name in your iTunes folder.

You are not searching in the iTunes application; you are searching the iTunes music folder on your computer's hard drive. Two files are displayed; you will be working with the one that has the smaller file size.

Copy and paste the 30 second file to your desktop.

Back in the iTunes application, delete the 30 second AAC version of the song.

Double click the name of the 30 second AAC version of the song on your Desktop to rename it.

Change the extension to m4r and press Return to save the change.

My file had m4a as the extension so I changed the a to an r. A prompt will be displayed asking if you are sure you want to do this. You're sure.

Back in iTunes, right click the original song and choose Get Info from the drop down box.

Click the Options tab.

Remove the checks from the Start Time and Stop Time boxes and click OK.

If you open Get Info again you will see that the times have reverted back to the song's actual length.

Click your Ringtones library on the left to open it.

Drag the .m4r file from your desktop to your Ringtones library in iTunes.

Sync your iPhone using iTunes.

To start using your new FREE ringtone on your iPhone just select it (Settings -> Sounds -> Ringtones) and wait for your next call.

Your number's been disconnected.
Your number's been disconnected.
Your number's been disconnected.

Find the Wrong in Right: An Idiocratic Music Video

2010-03-30T06:03:00.000-07:00

The truth is crass.

Music by Michael Masser, New Lyrics by A Man with A Mouse

I believe that Glenn Beck is an asshole
Shedding tears that crocodiles won't shed
Wipe away the skid marks on your sallow cheeks
Have you no sense of right; I'll make it easier
For the people listening - your euphemistic words, newspeak

I believe that Sarah is a retard
I can use the word - it's satire
She's classified type 1 on the Bristol Chart
That's very hard to pass
But tea bagging depends on her

I decided long ago, never to listen to Ann Coulter
He is spoiled, He's a witch
But he don't care - he think's he's rich
Michelle Malkin is quite the shrew
Birth right American - hypocrite too.

And there's the spinning man himself
Traditionalist top,
O'Reilly is a fabulist who
Bottoms to Aesop
Yes, he's a story telling man
But loud and crude and coarse
And just like all the rest of them
Leaves no room for discourse

I believe that Hannity's a sphincter
Verbalizing 6 on that Bristol Chart
Using Christ in ways that He wouldn't condone
Has Sean no sense of shame; I'll make it easier
For the people listening - your fair and balanced cred is gone

I decided long ago, never to worry 'bout Dick Cheney
His heart don't work, he won't be mourned
Hell hath no fury like a heart that's scorned
No matter what his daughters think
His work in Wash-ing-ton did stink

Less we forget the false prophet
A hominal dildo
With trusted dingleberries; his name is Rush Limbaugh
Yes, he espouses crap he leaves
On hair around his hole
It's dung on dung on dung on dung on dung, ditto.

So if by chance, a special bill
You feel is worth the fight
Will not be signed into a law
Find the wrong in right

Midnight on Bailey Avenue

2010-03-11T07:26:00.000-08:00

You might think that this picture of Max taken around midnight on Bailey Avenue a few months back is what the title of this entry refers to but in actuality it refers to a cat that walked the grounds of Bailey Avenue, the street on which I live.

Being a fellow who works from home, I got to know this black cat who had no problems catwalking up the driveway and checking out the garden in our backyard - just like the four-legged creatures who live there.

Before I got to know the cat, I assumed it was a territorial stray that was going to take control of the area and browbeat the backyard's rightful feline owner, Lucy, into submission. (Max was not that interested except to chase any interlopers away.) Often I would let Lucy go outside in the early morning light and wait for the inevitable cat fight that would make my heart drop and my feet run outside (with Max a healthy step in front of me) to shoo the cat with violent tendencies away. That day never came.

Lucy's litter box

Soon enough I realized this black cat was just looking for food and fun. So whenever I saw him I laid out some treats and watched from inside the house as he ate. I watched from my desk as he walked around the houses, up and down the street and back again. I watched from the living room couch as he walked past the bird feeder in the front yard - giving the birds that ate there a total ignoration. He was a sweet cat.

It was midnight this past Saturday and I was walking Max for a late night treat. On Bascom Avenue almost to the corner of Bailey, I stopped in my tracks when I saw this black cat lying on the sidewalk dead. It was most probable that he had been hit by a car and crawled off the street onto the sidewalk to die. I started crying uncontrollably. How silly I thought; I barely knew this cat. But the heart knows what it knows. I ran home, tears falling to the sidewalk, to ask George what we should do.

Ultimately George (my ever loving vacuum lover) went and got the cat and we took him to the 24 hour clinic in Campbell. They have a program where, for $44, they take dead animals, cremate them and bring the ashes to a potter's field for animals in Napa, CA. As the receptionist filled out the paperwork he asked me some questions.

What's the cat's name?

The cat didn't have a name, I said. He didn't belong to anyone.

Well, I need to put something here.

Can you put two words?

Whatever you want.

Found Cat.

He typed Found Cat and moved on to the next field. After a couple of other questions, I asked HIM a question.

Can I change the cat's name?

Sure, he said.

Midnight. The cat's name was Midnight.

He typed Midnight and moved back down the form.

I'll miss Midnight on Bailey Avenue. I guess he belonged to me.

MARCH 19 UPDATE: Today I received a Certification of Country Burial from Bubbling Well Pet Memorial Park in Napa, CA affirming that Midnight had been interred in a country setting. I didn't know I was going to receive this but I was really glad I did.

RIP Midnight.

Two Stale Farts or, The Night I Met Madonna

2010-02-20T17:48:00.000-08:00

I was in a Goodwill store recently and found a copy of the 7-inch single Two Of Hearts by Stacy Q. Two Of Hearts was a huge hit in 1986, reaching #3 on the Billboard Hot 100. Seeing the single reminded me of the night I met Madonna and Sandra Bernhard. Here's how it went down.

Being more of a rocker Two Of Hearts never impressed me. The song was Madonna-esque and Stacey Q had unfortunately shucked her career as lead singer for the excellent synth-pop band SSQ for this piffle. My friend Russell was of the same mind and we made up lyrics that we sang whenever we heard the song - which in 1986 happened a lot.

Two stale farts
Two farts that stank the room
Two stale farts
We passed 'em, we passed 'em
Two stale farts
Two farts that stank the room
Two stale farts
Ka-boom, ka-boom
That year, Russell had participated in the Los Angeles AIDS walk and thus was invited to the after party; I was his plus one. At some point in the evening we found ourselves on stage standing behind Madonna and Sandra Bernhard. We were schmitten and wanted to say something but didn't know what that might be. (I was a huge Sandra Bernhard fan having experienced her oeuvre in July of 1984 when she walked on stage at The Bottom Line - to thunderous applause - and regaled the audience by saying Don't pull a Madonna on me. Don't push me over the borderline.)

As Russell and I poked, prodded and nudged each other, mouthing things like Go ahead and You say something, the ubiquitous Two of Hearts started blaring out of the speakers. The crowd on the dance floor roared its approval but Madonna leaned over to Sandra and said I hate this song. Russell and I looked at each other and when the chorus started, so did we.

Two stale farts
Two farts that stank the room
Two stale farts
We passed 'em, we passed 'em
Two stale farts
Two farts that stank the room
Two stale farts
Ka-boom, ka-boom

As we finished, Madonna and Sandra turned to look at us and busted out laughing. We hate this song, I said. Russell, ever the charmer, thanked Madonna for lending her support to the fight against AIDS. I leaned into Sandra and said I'm gonna pull a Madonna on you. I'm gonna push you over the borderline. Sandra cracked up while Madonna looked at her quizzically. I'll explain later, Sandra said. We then had a group hug, sang It's A Long Way To Tipperary, and disappeared separately into the night.

OK, so there was no group hug but I've often wondered if, in the limousine on their way home that night, Madonna turned to Sandra and asked What did that tall guy say to you?

Separated at Birth: Miley Cyrus and Heath Ledger

2010-01-06T17:26:00.000-08:00

Let's start the new year right!

Heart's Magazine: The SPARTY 1024 LP

2009-12-26T14:29:00.000-08:00

It was spring, 1977, I was just 18, and I was walking down 7th Avenue to Penn Station. It had been a rough week. Magazine, the long player that Mushroom Records had released without the cooperation of the group Heart, had been pulled off the shelves. No doubt, despite being their biggest fan, I wouldn't be seeing a copy of that LP any time soon.

As had been my wont when traversing this stretch of 7th Avenue, I stopped into a small record store I knew on the way to the train depot. (It might have been a J&R Music Annex on the west side maybe at 36th Street.) While nonchalantly browsing through the rock bin I happened upon the Heart divider, looked inside and was taken aback. There was a copy of Heart's Magazine.

But the cardboard used for the album jacket felt thin? And there was a little white sticker on the jacket back that was blank? And the jacket itself was unwrapped but placed in a plastic sleeve? After a moment of consternation, I realized it was different from what I was accustomed to in the United States - plus the jacket back mentioned something about London. I've since found out that 50,000 copies of Mushroom's original release of Magazine had been pressed for North America. Some of these were sold in stores, mostly in Los Angeles and Hollywood, Florida. But the album was also briefly released in Europe through Arista Records (under catalog identifier SPARTY 1024). What I had found was an imported copy of this European release - my first store-bought import. I refer to this LP as Magazine (The SPARTY 1024 LP) when it comes up in casual conversation.

Heart had a contract with Mushroom Records for two albums. Magazine was originally intended to follow-up their 1976 Mushroom debut Dreamboat Annie. The group began recording 5 songs that would have been part of this second album. Then, Shelly Siegel took out an ad in Rolling Stone to congratulate the respective successes of the group and his company. The ad showed a picture of Heart group members (and sisters) Ann and Nancy Wilson bare-shouldered with the suggestive caption, It was only our first time.

According to legend, after one live appearance when a reporter suggested that the sisters were sexual partners, Ann returned to her hotel room and wrote the lyrics to Barracuda to relieve her frustration. Thanks to Retrospace for the infamous ad. I searched this here internet for hours looking for a scan before coming across the blog.

None to pleased with this advertisement, Heart also felt that they had now proven themselves as hit-makers and expected Mushroom to act accordingly and raise their contracted royalty rate. To the surprise of the group and their producer, Mike Flicker, the label refused to pay more and decided not to release a second Heart album. Flicker ended his relationship with the label and Heart followed, believing they had no obligation to stay without their producer. They accepted a more lucrative offer from CBS Records (now Sony BMG) subsidiary, Portrait Records and began preparing Little Queen - seemingly breaching the contract with Mushroom.

Shelly Siegel though believed Mushroom had the legal right to release a second Heart album so he compiled the rough mixes of the 5 studio recordings (Devil Delight, the single Heartless, the Badfinger chestnut Without You, Magazine and Just the Wine), B-side Here Song and three live songs recorded in 1975 at the Aquarius Tavern and released the collection as Magazine. The back cover of the LP carries a disclaimer.

Mushroom Records regrets that a contractual dispute has made it necessary to complete this record without the cooperation or endorsement of the group Heart, who have expressly disclaimed artistic involvement in completing this record. We did not feel that a contractual dispute should prevent the public from hearing and enjoying these incredible tunes and recordings.

Unhappy with the demo-like-quality of the release, Heart took Mushroom to court to stop the sale of the album. The Seattle court ruled that Mushroom had to recall the album and unsold copies were reportedly destroyed. When the dust settled, the judge found in Mushroom's favor and required that Heart honor their contract and provide a second album. Heart chose to fulfill this obligation by working with the original Magazine tapes: remixing the songs, adding new lead vocals and editing. Reportedly, Mushroom employed a security guard to make sure that the group didn't try to erase the multitrack master tapes while in the studio.

The official revised version of the album was released with a different track sequence (and no disclaimer) in April 1978. Heart was never particularly happy with the album's sound but nevertheless it peaked at number 17 on the Billboard album chart and sold over a million copies. Heartless was a Top 40 hit. In the early 1980s Mushroom Records went out of business, and Heart's two albums for the label were purchased and re-issued by Capitol Records.

Which brings us back to the spring of 1977 and me holding the now rare long player Magazine, the SPARTY 1024 LP with disclaimer. I ran to the cash register, ran out of the store, ran to Penn Station, and ran up and down the aisles of the train as it chugged along past Merrick, Bellmore, Wantagh, Seaford and Massapequa to stop at Massapequa Park. I finally made it home and dropped the platter on the turntable. Those very tunes I heard that day are the very same ones I've now posted as Heart_Magazine_SPARTY_1024_Vinyl. Email me for the link to download this LP.

Track listing - 1977 Release

"Heartless" (Ann Wilson, Nancy Wilson) – 5:00
"Without You" (Peter Ham, Tom Evans) – 4:44
"Just The Wine" (A. Wilson, N. Wilson) – 4:30
"Magazine" (A. Wilson, N. Wilson) – 6:55
"Here Song" (A. Wilson) – 1:35
"Devil Delight" (A. Wilson, N. Wilson) – 4:58
"Blues Medley" – 7:11 
(Mother Earth) (You Shook Me Babe)
(Peter Chapman, Lewis Simkin, Willie Dixon)
"I've Got The Music In Me" (Bias Boshell) – 6:01

Track listing - 1978 Release

"Heartless" (A. Wilson, N. Wilson) – 5:02
"Devil Delight" (A. Wilson, N. Wilson) – 5:00
"Just The Wine" (A. Wilson, N. Wilson) – 4:16
"Without You" (Ham, Evans) – 4:42
"Magazine" (A. Wilson, N. Wilson) – 6:22
"Here Song" (A. Wilson) – 1:34
"Mother Earth Blues" (Chapman, Simkin, Dixon)
– 5:59
"I've Got The Music In Me" (Boshell) – 6:18

Performers

Ann Wilson: vocals, guitar, keyboards, 
violin, flute
Nancy Wilson: vocals, guitar, piano
Michael DeRosier: drums
Roger Fisher: guitar, steel guitar
Steve Fossen: bass guitar, percussion
Howard Leese: guitar, keyboards, 
synthesizer, vocals

CONCERNED PARTIES: These files are uploaded for historical purposes only as part of the multimediacal musings. Sorry but it's part and parcel when tapped as the subject of a blography. Please don't hurt me.

It Was the Wrong Item

2009-12-17T15:43:00.001-08:00

I bought a USB 2.0 to IDE/SATA adapter cable the other day at MicroCenter, Santa Clara, CA. I took it home, opened my 13 years Mac G3 with its handy dandy side handle and plugged the cable into the internal hard drive - hoping to create access to the unknown but probably brilliant artifacts that might lie with on it.

I plugged in the power cord. I plugged in the 3.5" optical drive plug. The hard drive starts into whirring. But nothing miraculous appeared on my desktop. It was supposed to be so easy. Through further inspection there seemed to be a missing pin on the male side of the drive plug. Was that the reason the hard drive was not appearing? I don't know but whatever the reason, it was obviously not working.

So I brought the cable back to MicroCenter, pristinely repackaged in like new condition to avoid a 15% restocking fee (which would've pissed me off to no end). The customer service rep (as it stated on Kelsey's name tag) asked me what the matter was with the item.

Well, it was actually missing a pin from what my hard drive had so it didn't work for my purposes. It wasn't the right item for me.

Kelsey checked off Customer didn't want. I noticed another option, Wrong item, that seemed more in line with my situation.

Uh, Kelsey, I said it was not the right item. I would love this cable if it were, in fact, the right item for my purposes. But it is not. It is the wrong item.

Yea?

Well, Customer didn't want makes it seem like I'm being belligerent or something. But I'm not. I just bought the wrong item.

Do you want it?

No.

Here's your receipt. We've credited 17.46 back to your American Express.

Thank you.

Next!

Starbucks Green Tea Latte or an Onion Smoothie?

2009-12-10T17:46:00.000-08:00

In Starbucks they have a Tea Latte listed on the menu. Flavors include black, green, and earl gray. What a great idea! Those are strong tasting teas worthy of some milk and foam which which to temper the dirty tasting properties? So I asked the Starbucks barrister what was in a Green Tea Latte?

It turns out that my idea of a Green Tea Latte is quite different from Howard Schultz, director of research and development at Starbucks.

It's a green tea mix that we add syrup to.

Matcha (or 抹茶 as some parts of the world know it) is the mix Starbucks uses. It is REAL green tea in powder form. The Japanese tea ceremony centers on the preparation, serving, and drinking of matcha. Matcha is now also used to flavour and dye foods such as green tea ice cream and a variety of wagashi (Japanese candy). Unfortunately, Starbucks mixes the matcha it whips up in a small Japanese tea ceremony with sugar. And in the mix that is sent to its over 15,000 stores worldwide, there is more sugar than matcha. Then to further assault the senses (and the waistline), the barrister adds melon syrup to the newly anointed Tazo Green Tea Latte.

I'll take a cappucino, thank you.

I decided against the ill-matched matcha. But from each experience we must learn. So I will try something new and exciting in my morning cup of green tea (so I drink less coffee). I shouldn't have to force down a drink that tastes like dirt just because it is good for me. And I shouldn't have to add a pound of sugar to my diet to get something refreshing. Although I have done worse - imagine an onion smoothie. (Onions are low in calories, fat and sodium, and a good source of fiber, vitamin B6, vitamin C, and potassium. And I thought the blueberries would overpower it.)

Maybe I'll add some rice milk (which I find sinfully refreshing). How about some orange juice - which I've heard is good for the over 50 male kidney. (Do you know what I mean?) Maybe I'll whip it, whip it first. Do da da da dah.

But don't knock the matcha - just don't buy it at Starbucks.

The Kitchen

2009-12-05T18:10:00.000-08:00

I spent all day cleaning the house and the kitchen: doing the laundry, washing the dishes, wiping the counter, putting things away, cleaning the stove top, throwing out the garbage, recycling the recyclables - generally being green. Then I took this picture.

Man was I impressed.

I put the soda can down to take the picture. And the cycle begins again.

To Patrick Swayze, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar

2009-11-28T23:08:00.000-08:00

For years my mother has shipped to me via Media Mail the magazines that she reads on a weekly basis. Because of that I have a pile high of magazines like In Style, Hello, US, and OK in the bathroom because I only read the gossip rags when I'm on the can so I can wash my hands afterwards. (In her defense, she also sends Time, Newsweek, The Nation, and other magazines for the intelligentsia which I read out in the living room in front of a roaring fire. I did ask her to stop sending Reader's Digest.)

Patrick Swayze in Donnie Darko

Having said that, I just caught up with Patrick Swayze's death. I always liked him. I didn't LOVE him. I liked him. He was very good as the motivational speaker with pedophiliac tendencies in Donnie Darko. He also played a drag queen in 1995's To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar. The movie was ostensibly groundbreaking as major Hollywood stars (including a muscular Wesley Snipes and a manic John Leguizamo) took the lead as drag queens for the first time. The movie is not believable by any stretch of the imagination. It's not even that great (certainly when compared to the earlier and much better Australian effort The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert) but it does boast good performances by Stockard Channing and a host of A-list supporting actors.

As I wandered in and out of consciousness waiting for the film to end I wondered how they contacted Julie Newmar to tell her they were naming a movie after her. I imagine it went something like this.

Julie we're naming a movie after you.

You're kidding me. You're naming a movie after me. What's it called?

To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar

That's wonderful. I don't know what to say. I don't know what it means but it's wonderful. You are the sweetest, nicest guys. Thank you for naming a movie after me. Can I get something for it?

What do you mean?

Well, you're naming a movie after me; people are going to come and see it because my name is in the title. How about a point off the top. And 75 % of the gross? Something. Anything because my name's on it.

A point? 75% of the gross? That's a lot Julie. Especially when compared to the amount of people that will come and see it because your name is in the title. How about if we pay you a one time fee?

One time fee? And you get to use my name whenever, whenever?

Yea, we don't have a lot of money.

OK.

We'll even give you a cameo.

A one time fee and a small yet pivotal role?

Yes.

A million dollars.

Um, that's alot. Patrick Swayze isn't even making that much. 50,000?

OK. 50,000 and I'll do it.

You drive a hard bargain.

I'm Julie Newmar.

RIP Patrick Swayze.

More than 3 Lines About the Film 2012

2009-11-21T11:07:00.001-08:00

I ventured to a public movie theater to see 2012, hoping for a throwback to classics of the genre like The Poseidon Adventure and Earthquake. The closest they got was a story line concerning the classic Mona Lisa painting that left me hanging about the ultimate fate of the hallowed piece of art. But more so than that - the movie is really terrible. Some points I thought about during the time it took me to finish this three hour snooze fest. Spoilers below but it's not rocket science.

President Danny Glover called a presidential summit that looked like Hollywood Squares.

The geologist's phone call saying goodbye to his Dad was treacly and cringe-inducing.

The digital fire was VERY red.

John Cusack fell into a crack in the earth and was hanging on by his hands. The edit went from his fingers on the top of the cliff to his feet jumping back on soil like we should imagine how he made it back up and move on.

The Sex Guru from the extremely funny The Guru creates havoc as a geologist.

The most exciting part of the movie was trying to make my box of Raisinettes last the entire three hours. I didn't - so I went to the bathroom, got a drink of water, bought a New York pretzel, looked at the New Movies posters, walked back into the theatre and STILL the earth was being destroyed. OMG, there's more?

The special effects are really sucky. You can feel the line around the actors who were filmed on green screen while a flat CGI image is placed behind them.

Amanda Peet was in a horrifying natural disaster and asked the Danish girl to do something but still, as the world was falling around them, Amanda remembered to say please; that was nice.

If I heard can't start the engine until we lower the gate one more time I was really going to vomit.

Towards the end, those in the ark were watching the disaster occurrences on TV as we were in the theatre watching them on a screen watching the disaster occurrences on TV. We paid but they got paid.

I found it odd that we were following the little girl's incontinence issues throughout the movie. But still and all, at the end (SPOILER) when the little girl said, 'No more Pull-Ups' I was pleased she had gotten over her issues. Think of it though, the world is destroyed and I'm living on an ark from which I might never be able to leave? I might choose this time to START pissing my pants rather than to remove my Pull-Ups.

The Palin 2012 movie trailer recently on Saturday Night Live was much more enjoyable. And at 1:54 much less of an infringement on your time.

In a Clothing-Optional Hot Springs

2009-11-20T23:00:00.000-08:00

WARNING: This entry contains puerile words some might consider offensive.

During a stay at Wilbur Hot Springs you spend the bulk of your time traversing the path between a beautifully restored hotel built in 1865 and a bathing area that contains six temperature controlled pools filled with fresh mountain mineral water: 75, 98, 102, 106, 110 and a cold plunge of 55.

Right click image in a new tab to enlarge.

The hotel and spa grounds are located deep in the foothills of the Northern California Coastal Range (no cell phones allowed). In the hotel, the kitchen and baths are communal, organized and clean. The rooms have no locks, and everyone follows the rules of the commune (as it were). But there's always someone and, of course, someone was using a cell phone.

I was in the Top Chef-style kitchen quietly preparing an almond butter, blueberry conserves and pumpernickel bread sandwich with a tall glass of cold vanilla rice milk (sinfully delicious). One other guest was doing something while making inconsistent and inexplicable chatter with me.

Girl: (laughing) I'm cleaning the kitchen.

Me (quizzically looking around): Uh. Yea. Cool.

Girl: Gotta. Gotta keep it clean.

Me: Yea. Gotta. (laughing nervously as I wondered WTF?)

Not you! she said, glaring at me.

Not me? Huh? I took my plate and hightailed it out to the dining room where I noticed the person with whom she arrived (you know these things at a clothing-optional hot springs) speaking into a cell phone. I then realized that the girl in the kitchen was talking to her friend in the dining room using a Bluetooth-enabled ear bud. Now I get it.

Clothing-optional hot springs bitch, you're breaking the rules.

Although Wilbur Hot Springs is a place for reflection and serenity, you also see a lot of ta-ta's and schlongs by the hot spring pools (the only place on the grounds where clothing is NOT required). It's equal opportunity gazing for all so I took advantage of it - with stealth, of course. After all, when am I ever going to see the female body this unencumbered again?

I made chit-chat with two exquisitely sculpted women who were a couple. These women were real and they were spectacular. I couldn't take my eyes off of them. But aside from an attempt at humor (that they enjoyed), I held no interest to them.

Who am I again?

There were a number of straight couples and I wondered what schlong gazing meant to the straight men. Were they looking at the other schlongs for the same reason I was looking at the ta-ta's? Like when am I ever going to see the male body this unencumbered again? Was it arousing to them? Even a little? If I pretended I was a straight man staying at Wilbur Hot Springs, I would find it arousing.

I remember who I am now.

Lest you think that going to a clothing-optional hot springs is all tata's and schlongs, it's also a natural sanctuary with foot trails, hot and healing mineral baths, and a quiet, introspective place to read and relax. The tata's and schlongs are just stuff to take your mind off your introspection; too much introspection makes Jack (sic) a dull boy. Check out their web site.

Grandma Moses is Not Whistler's Mother

2009-11-17T20:27:00.000-08:00

I used to get my Grandma Moses and my Whistler's Mother mixed up. True one was a self-taught artist and one was an old lady in a painting but they both sit in a chair.

Then I read Otto Kallir's Grandma Moses.

I know who is who now.

I'm Walking Max: Blook 1

2009-11-15T12:58:00.000-08:00

For years I've had this idea of writing a book called I'm Walking Max. For years I've been collecting objects d'Max for a Max Museum blog. Finally, I got the bright idea of walking Max online. I took the book, married it with a blog and decided to write a blook.

Blook 1: I Am Max's Manciple

Orange Alert, Non-Fat with Soy

2009-10-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

I was waiting in the airport when some automated feminine voice informed me that the security alert had been raised to orange.

ORANGE! Oh my god. Get the troops. Look out for the Arabs. Guard your back. The security alert is orange. The reds are coming. We're all gonna die. AAAAAHhhhhhhh!!!

Then I wondered what the fuck orange meant.

Does anyone waiting for a flight know what the fuck orange means? Does anyone in this airport know what the fuck orange means? Hello?

The rest of the announcement asked us to watch for any suspicious behavior. Look out for any unattended bags. Listen in on the phone call of the person sitting next to you. Wait. I don't remember that last one but it sounds strangely familiar.

Tori Spelling: So Bargain Basement

2009-10-18T19:53:00.001-07:00

I had bought a used copy of Tori Spelling's So Notorious television series because, in this video of Tori getting a parking ticket, she was so nice. The series was sweet and funnily self-deprecating - worth the time it took to watch it. When I was finished watching it, I brought the two discs in to sell them back to the kind folks at Rasputin Records. They gave me 10¢ (that's ten cents) for the set.

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

The Spider and the Pope. The Spider and the Pope.

2009-09-27T18:55:00.000-07:00

Hi ho the derry-o
The spider and the pope

Notwithstanding this recent video of the spider and the pope [sic], here are some common superstitions about spiders.

If you see a spider climbing the wall you will have your dearest wish come true.

If you see a spider spinning a web you will have an increase in your income due to hard work.

When spiders spin their webs 'fore noon,
Sunny weather's coming soon.

When a spider is found upon our clothes, some money is coming towards us.

A spider descending upon you from the roof is a token that you will soon have legacy from a friend.

If a spider builds its web across your door, you can expect company.

If you walk into a spider web, you will meet a friend that day.

When a man fyndeth a spyder upon his gowne it is a synge to be that daye ryght happye.

Kill a spider, bad luck yours will be
Until of flies you've swatted fifty-three.

Notwithstanding the first eight misconceptions - too bad the pope [sic] didn't notice the intrusion and swat it off his lovely white gown.

Alter Egos of the Atlanta Housewives

2009-09-20T12:17:00.000-07:00

During this past week's episode, The Real Housewives of Atlanta debuted their alter ego photographs. Photographer Derek Blanks takes two photos of one person and creates a photo-montage to illustrate an underlying story or meaning.

Nene shows off both sides of her personality: as a stripper and as a prim and proper woman. Whether she is actually either of these remains to be seen but she sure plays both parts on TV. She seems the most realistic to what might be her true personage. Nene doesn't always start the drama but she certainly takes part in it.

I think Kim gets a bad rap. Yes, she is an idiot. Yes, she is NOT a good parent. Yes, she seems to have no talent or skill. In the end though I don't think she has any self-confidence which is where the bad stuff comes from. I could be wrong but I felt bad when she got all emotional in the studio. A brunette bob suits her role as the Stepford wife scoffing at her husband's mistress.

I like Kandi. She hasn't started any drama and seems to be nice and helpful - certainly with Kim in the recording studio. But she is also an idiot if she thinks her boyfriend is anything but a scrub. (Kandi wrote definition number one.) In her alter ego photo, Kandi decided to play up the drunk driving accident in which her family was recently involved; this is, at once, benevolent and self-serving.

Lisa is a bitch but not the worst on the show. She's also an opportunist (although all of the women on all of the Housewives shows are) and a greedy capitalist. Lisa plays up her bad and good sides in the photo. As a punk fighting a Girl Scout, she's better as the Girl Scout but that just shows what a good actress she is - not what a nice person she is.

What can one say about Sheree? She is the worst. For instance, she DID NOT make it to Lisa's fashion show - if she had, she wouldn't have had to ask to see the clothes at the after party. As directed by Nene, her desire for a 7 figure divorce settlement is at the core of her alter ego. Although her greed is the core of her personality, her sense of self is way overblown, and she does not have the body of a 25 year old - unless the 25 year old is a man with fake tits.

My Husband's Bill Shredder

2009-09-08T08:20:00.001-07:00

George presented me with this bouquet of flowers from our garden so in the spirit of equality in love actions (whatever that means) here is the story of a bouquet of another sort I made for George.

George came into the kitchen with a 13 gallon trash bag full of old bills, bank statements, school transcripts, and medical records - some dating back even further than the seven years (this month) that we have lived together. We're talking decades.

What should I do with it? he asks.

I am a big proponent of shredding confidential papers. I shred everything AND I check my financial accounts twice weekly. Credit scores, twice a year. Identity theft is an ill from which I am trying to inoculate myself.

Georgie, on the other hand, would throw the bag out for pick up by the garbage man AS IS. The garbage man would then throw the bag on a landfill that is, to my mind, crawling with evildoers waiting to rip the bag open to find George's credit card bills and social security number which they would then sell to a richer, cleaner evildoer for purposes of thieving and identity theft. I couldn't let that horrible scenario happen to Georgie so I took the bag and sent him on his way.

Now generally, I shred my personal papers daily. When an item reaches my desk, I pick it up and decide: keep or throw? If it's throw, rip once, rip twice. Into the trash. No machine because my shredding needs are light and generally spread over time. This method works for me. But what I'm about to do.

I start shredding the papers in George's bag - ripping each envelope or bill, in half. Once. Twice. Once. Twice. Once. Twice. I worked my way through a bit of the bag and realized there was no way I was going to shred each and every one of these old papers. We are talking decades.

I didn't know what to do when I had an epiphany: I would clean out the refrigerator.

I took the bag and put it in a second plastic garbage bag for double security against spillage. I opened the refrigerator, and then a two week old pint of soy yogurt which I emptied into the bag. I emptied a three week old Tupperware of Tofurkey and vegetarian brown gravy leftovers into the bag. I dumped the moldy Costco raspberries into the bag. I dumped a baggy of slimy old mushrooms and a container of overripe watermelon into the bag. Then I poured the morning's coffee grounds AND the remains of the coffee itself into the bag. Finally I emptied Lucy's litter box and its contents into the bag for that certain bouquet. I tied the bag closed and shook it up and down to coat each piece (and I helped), took the bag outside, and threw it into a garbage bin for pickup.

Set a few days in there. Over to the landfill. Evildoers, have at it.

Lucy's other litter box

Bad to the Bone: A Foray into Show Business

2009-09-06T09:29:00.001-07:00

In 1982. I was working at 175 Fifth Avenue, The Flatiron Building in NY. One day as I passed the Pappermint Lounge on my way to the office, I saw a posting on the door that said George Thorogood and the Destoyers' video was to be filmed there Friday at noon. Be in a video for lunch. Friday arrived and I went, dressing specifically for the occasion.

Only kidding.

The live portions of this video were filmed in the Peppermint Lounge. There were a whole bunch of Gen MTVers there on their respective lunch hours. I bought a sandwich and, at certain times during the filming, snuck bites of it until I was finished. It was, after all, lunch time.

Still kidding.

Here is the video for George Thorogood and the Destroyers' bad to the Bone. See me at 2:35 but don't sneeze. Suffice it to say the appearance did not get me a SAG card or I wouldn't be here with you today.

For Your Health...Froot Loops and Fudgsicles?

2009-09-05T09:58:00.000-07:00

This article in the New York Times illustrates everything that is wrong with corporations and, dare I say, capitalism. The processed food industry has instigated a Smart Choices Program where they label their own products, based on their own criteria, to help shoppers easily identify smarter food and beverage choices. Foods that have passed muster as a smart choice? Froot Loops, Fudgsicles, Real Mayonnaise and Skippy Peanut Butter - chock a block with sugar, sodium and fat.

Eileen T. Kennedy, president of the Smart Choices board, dean of the Friedman School of Nutrition Science and Policy at Tufts University and, in my opinion, corporate shill, says:

You’re rushing around, you’re trying to think about healthy eating for your kids and you have a choice between a doughnut and a cereal. So Froot Loops is a better choice.

Last time I went down the cereal aisle in a supermarket I had a choice between Froot Loops and Grape Nuts and oatmeal. Doughnuts are on the bread aisle.

Kennedy also said the program was influenced by research into consumer behavior which showed that, while shoppers wanted more information, they did not want to hear negative messages or feel their choices were being dictated to them.

So Kennedy and the Smart Choices board (cough, corporations) have decided that since consumers don't want to hear negative messages about their choices, they will just dictate consumer choices using a positive message - despite the outcome: more empty calories, more obesity, more heath care, more money spent.

The article mentions that Kennedy is not being paid for her work. But she is being paid by Tufts. Aren't they embarrassed to have her on their payroll? I'm a neophyte and I know more than her.

Suffice it to say, if you see the Smart Choice checkmark on a product in the supermarket, RUN DON'T WALK to the fruit and vegetable aisle.

Totie Fields: A Blography

2009-08-28T22:57:00.000-07:00

Being one myself, I've always been enamored of Jewish comediennes. But while Sarah Silverman, Roseanne, Sandra Bernhard, Gilda Radner, Bette Midler, Joan Rivers, Belle Barth, and Pearl Williams all make me laugh none have made me laugh longer than the too soon, too gone Totie Fields. Historically, Totie was more than a comedienne. She was arguably the first women to attract a national following as a comic.

I went into a department store and tried on a girdle that was
decorated with tiny rosebuds. When I got it on,
the roses opened up in full bloom.

In the 60s when her career really began its trajectory, women were still considered eye candy and not expected, or even allowed, to offer up opinions and ideas. Totie broke that glass ceiling by assuming a comic persona built on her weight and, pride in her shape - polar opposites. She might have been a zaftig yenta but rather than espousing self-pity she was confident in her appeal and sweetly brimming with self love. She explained that bringing up the subject of weight herself deprives the wise alecks from mouthing loud asides all night but, she was also teaching women of the era how to act.

Totie on The Ed Sullivan Show in the early 60s

Totie Fields was born Sophie Feldman, daughter of a shopping center owner, on 7 May 1927 in Hartford, Connecticut, USA. She started singing as a child, making appearances on local radio stations by the time she was 4. She toured the Borscht Belt at 14 and before she reached 20 years, worked as a tummler in Boston area strip clubs. Even then Sophie was breaking the glass ceiling: tummlers entertained guests as a master of ceremonies between acts and, at the time, were generally male. It was during this period that Sophie took her stage name - Totie being the way she pronounced her given name as a child.

I've been on a diet for two weeks,
and all I lost was two weeks.

Totie married George William Johnston, Jr. in 1950. Georgie (as he came to be known) was a fellow comic in Boston who, over time, worked solely with Totie as her musical director. They became the parents of two daughters—Jody was born in 1952 and Debbie was born in 1955. (The Admiral's Inn in Ogunquit, Maine, now a bed and breakfast, was the family's private summer vacation residence in the 1950's and early 1960's.)

It was after her pregnancies that Totie began to gain weight. She tried dieting but nothing worked. The only way to lose weight, really, she concluded, is to have someone put you in a bed where you can't get to the refrigerator. Ever the optimist though, Totie decided to incorporate her size into her act. Her broad accent, self-deflating jokes and extroverted kvetching helped to endear her to audiences whom she treated like friends AND lovers. It was after making this decision that her celebrity and work increased twofold.

Shirley Temple had charisma as a child.
But it cleared up as an adult.

In the early 60s, Ed Sullivan gave Totie her first national break when he booked her on his show after seeing her perform at the Copacabana in New York. She made multiple additional appearances on The Ed Sullivan Show, topping out at almost 20!

Totie released Totie Fields Live on Mainstream Records and
wrote I Think I'll Start on Monday: The Official 8 1/2 oz.
Mashed Potato Diet published by Hawthorn Books.
Email me for the link if you'd like to download the Totie Fields Live MP3 files.

Totie also made a name for herself on the talk show circuit during the 60s and 70s. There were multiple appearances on The Merv Griffin Show, The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson and The Mike Douglas Show (on which she famously helped Mike introduce KISS to the American public when she co-hosted the 1974 episode that was their first television appearance.)

The Tarzan reunion show with Mike Douglas, Johnny Weissmuller,
Gordon Scott, Jock Mahoney, Buster Crabbe,
Denny Miller, and Jim Pierce.

Other notable appearances included Here's Lucy and a well-received dramatic role on Medical Center. Totie played multiple roles in the 1972 television special Fol-de-Rol, a filmed version of Sid and Marty Krofft's live puppet show.

Totie visits with Jerry Lewis on his annual Muscular Dystrophy Telethon

Totie was diabetic and plagued with other health problems the last years of her life, having almost as many major medical procedures as television appearances. It has been rumoured that some of these problems stem from plastic surgery. This rumor is unsubstantiated although, interestingly, here is a link to 1972 episodes of The Merv Griffin Show on which guest Totie applauds plastic surgery as she questions Dr Kurt Wagner, the plastic surgeon to the stars. (Scroll to clip 4.)

In April 1976, Totie's left leg was amputated above the knee when surgery to remove a blood clot failed. Even with that traumatic experience, Totie fitted herself with an artificial leg and returned to work saying, "I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me." (Link to 1977 article from People Magazine)

Raquel Welch - a moron with less on.

In June 1977, Totie starred in the Home Box Office special series Standing Room Only, beginning her show seated. As the audience (filled to brimming with celebrity friends) welcomed her, she stood up, causing the cheering audience to stand with her. Said Fields: "I've waited all my life to say this... I weigh less than Elizabeth Taylor!" Totie was back and the audience was immediately at ease; if Totie could still laugh at herself, then it was all right to laugh with her.

While still recovering from the amputation, Totie suffered two heart attacks. In October 1977, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and her right breast was removed. Nevertheless, Totie continued to perform and in 1978, the last year of her life, she was voted Entertainer of the Year and Female Comedy Star of the Year by the American Guild of Variety Artists.

Totie was scheduled to appear at the Sahara Hotel when she suffered a fatal pulmonary embolism in her Las Vegas home on August 2, 1978; she was 51. She was buried in Las Vegas and later moved to the Mount Sinai Memorial Park Cemetery in Los Angeles to be buried next to Georgie, who died in 1995.

Totie Fields: Inspirational, Outrageous, and Still Funny.

Totie performing on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1967

Additional information:

Some sources speculate that Georgie had refused to release films, tapes, and other recordings of Fields after her death thus, explaining the dearth of material available. Can we then hypothesize that Georgie was crushed by her early death and felt it crass to capitalize on her body of work? They were so much in love - just look at the TattleTales clip - that it's a reasonable assumption.
Burial: Mount Sinai Memorial Park, Los Angeles, Los Angeles County, California, USA - Plot: Gardens of Heritage, Main Level, Crypt 60C
Totie appeared on The Glen Campbell Show playing a night-club bunny, a cheerleader, a minskirted stewardess and a ballerina.

Adorable Me, A Musical Based on the Life of Totie Fields

Adorable Me! The Totie Fields Story (1990)
A New Musical Based on the Life of Totie Fields
Conceived by Nancy Timpanaro-Hogan
Book by Bobby Pearce & Nancy Timpanaro-Hogan
Are You Happy?
Flat Tire, One Headlight Out
Someone To Notice
Weaver High School
He Likes...Me!
Holding On
The Taste
Look, But Don't Touch
Me, Myself And Cane
Don't Remind Me
I'm Not Ready
With Friends Like Mine
On Top Of The World/Years
Big
Papa Is A Nice Man
One Day At A Time
Heat Up The Pot
Workshopped at Long Beach Civic Light Opera (1991)
Produced by American Jewish Theatre, Inc., Stanley Brechner, Artistic Director (1993)
Four-month run at The Ballroom, New York (1994)
Four-month run at Tropworld, Atlantic City (1996)
Also played in regional theaters and performing arts centers across the country, 
including Seven Angels Theatre, Northridge Performing Arts Center, Bailey Concert Hall

http://www.alleewillis.com/index.html
Sophie, Totie and Belle : Sophie, Totie & Belle is a play based on a fictional meeting of the late entertainers Sophie Tucker, Totie Fields and Belle Barth. It was written by Joanne Koch and Sarah Blacher Cohen, with original music by Mark Elliott and songs associated with these entertainers. It opened in New York City at the off-Broadway Theater Four on March 15, 2000 after sold-out runs in Queens, NY Theatre in the Park, Boca Raton, Florida, Miami, Philadelphia, New Hope, Albany, and the Forum Theater in New Jersey, the Drama Center in Deerfield Beach, the Wilton Theater in Ft. Lauderdale, Theatre Works in Sarasota. Another review.

A list from “I Think I’ll Start on Monday”

Five Practical Reasons For Not Going On A Diet
1. It’s very impolite to leave food on your plate.
2. America is supposed to be the best fed nation in the world. Why make us look bad?
3. Fish, meat and vegetables maybe chemically polluted. The U.S. Government has NEVER found mercury in a chocolate layer cake.
4. Food is synonymous with love. If you diet, you are depriving yourself of much needed affection.
5. Sara Lee, Laura Scudder, Betty Crocker and Mr. Hershey are sincere, hard working Americans. Check your conscience. 
Do you really want to take a living away from these people?

From Fol-der-ol
You can still download the Totie Fields Live MP3 files but you need to email me for the link.
6/15/11 UPDATE: I received the following information in an email from a reader:
Just read your blog......interesting stuff! I only knew her because my dad, Harry Morton, was her booking agent. The stories I heard growing up as a kid, in Oceanside, NY, were all about what a pain in the butt she was to work with. She spent many evenings in the den, with other comics that my Dad either handled or knew. Harry was one of the top agents for the Catskills, as well as Miami, and Lakewood, NJ. His clients, just to name a few, consisted of: Henny Youngman, Phil Foster, Buddy Hackett, Alan King, Mac Robbins, Pat Henry, Norm Cosby, Harvey Stone, Jan Murray, and more. I have googled his name [Harry], only to find a sentence or two and nothing more. He was funnier than most of the guys he handled, He cut an album, "Look Out For Harry Morton" back in the 60's. I started to write a book with him, but we only wrote about 100 pages. He's gone now 8 years. He was married to Billie Lorraine, a nite club singer.

Kim in the Studio with Dallas

2009-08-23T07:03:00.000-07:00

Before beginning first run episodes of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, season 2, Bravo graciously re-aired season 1 so those of us who skipped it last year could catch up. Of course, I accidently erased episode 6 in which Kim finds herself in the studio with Dallas Austin. So I paid $1.99 to Amazon so I could see this moment in television (and music) history. It was everything I could have hoped for so I whipped out my camera and ... Voila!

I definitely got my $1.99 worth.

Barney Frank Speaks My Mind

2009-08-19T07:02:00.000-07:00

It would be hard to imagine that this woman with her special picture of Obama is not now sitting at home humiliated by this soon to be viral video. Excuse me, I didn't mean woman; I meant dining room table.

Think she'll write a book?

Coda to This Episode

2009-08-13T19:34:00.000-07:00

A less shocking thing about this episode is that I remained objective and did not write that he was an overweight Cau-cau-cau-caucasion man that shared his environment with his seemingly Eastern European wife and a ten year old girl.

A more shocking thing about this episode is that I always thought I was straight acting - you know, no one could tell unless I told them. Go know.

I'm A Faggot

2009-08-11T19:26:00.000-07:00

I have lived on the east end of a small one lane street in San Jose, CA for ten years. There is a house on the west end of the street in which a man, a woman and a child live with a dog. I've seen the man outside maybe 20 times in ten years and he nor I have ever attempted a meet and greet although I am friendly with his next-door neighbor (as he seems to be), a neighbor across the street and more households as you might walk closer to the east end of the street. Now I know why.

I took Max out for a walk (as I have done twice a day since I bought the house) and walked by this man's home. Max peed on his lawn. I continued walking and was at the corner (almost three houses away) waiting for Max to pee again when I heard someone yelling.

"You forgot something here."

I didn't know if the sentence was meant for me so I turned to see what was happening. The man in this house had (seemingly as I had not actually witnessed this) passed me driving home, and stopped his car in the middle of the street in front of his house after he saw me walk away with Max. When I turned he was getting out of the car and walking to his lawn.

"Huh?" I replied.

He crouched a little and looked around the lawn.

"I said you forgot..."

He seemingly realized that there was nothing there.

"Never mind."

When I realized what had just happened I yelled back (as I was almost three houses away).

"I am your neighbor why would you think I would not pick up after my dog on your lawn?"

I wanted to continue imploringly but all I could do was pull a bag out of my pocket. "I have bags."

"You know, fuck you." said the man.

"What?"

"I said I'm sorry but fuck you for getting excited."

"That's nice language to be yelling on this street."

"Faggot."

"Asshole."

I turned and walked.

I'd like to file this episode away with a quote from Anne Frank. Unfortunately, with the negative discourse that only grows deeper with each passing day, the intolerance of people towards people, the fear-mongering of those seemingly in charge, and the animosity of difference I'm not sure I still believe it.

I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.

I'm Dancing In My Room and They're Calling It Zumba®

2009-08-01T19:59:00.000-07:00

Yes. For exercise, I am dancing in my room. Put on 25-30 minutes of my favorite dance tunes and I'm on my way - incorporating fluid yoga poses, dolphin-like undulations, and full body muscle stretches into the same dance moves I busted 25 years ago in da clubs, baby.

Granted, now my mind focuses on keeping the core muscles tight and the posture straight while busting a move rather than the blonde at the end of the bar. On the plus side, I find that this focus is lurking into matters it previously eschewed - like standing in line at the bank or walking Max. Stomach in. Shoulders back. What can I say? Dancing in my room work's up a sweat and works out the heart. Like it did in da clubs, baby. (OK, that won't work a third time.)

Some people bicycle for exercise.

Another plus is that I get to choose my own music. Set it up first - all the CDs in a row. Today I start slow with Flashdance (Got a Feeling), the extended remix, to Unbelievable EMF, the dance remix. Swap the disc out to get Ram Jam Black Betty b/w Grace Jones's Pull Up to the Bumper. Past the point of no sweat I throw on Rosebud's pumping Have A Cigar - yes, the Pink Floyd tune - and follow it with the O'Jay's Love Train. Bring it to new heights with the Pointer Sisters Jump (For My Love), the extended version, and cap off the evening with the Captain and Tennille's Do That To Me One More Time, the latter strangely invoking a Kate Bush-esque ballet stretch and a nice cool down. Good times.

Dancing with myself

A few weeks after I started having this fun, I received a renewal in the mail for a membership to 24 Hour Fitness, a gym I had joined in Denver and used twice. They were asking me to pay $49 for one more year. Fuck yea! Can't not go to a gym cheaper than that. I joined and clicked through to the 24 Hour Fitness San Jose class schedule. I noticed a trademarked class. Zumba®. I had never heard of Zumba® so I looked it up. On Wikipedia of course.

A Zumba workout mixes body sculpting movements with dance steps derived from cumbia, merengue, salsa, reggaeton, hip hop, mambo, rumba, flamenco, and calypso and Salsaton. The routines feature aerobic interval training with a combination of fast and slow rhythms. It targets areas such as the glutes, legs, arms, abdominals, and the heart. A Zumba class is typically not formulaic in that instructors often add on their own music choices and choreographies to make their class presentation locally unique.

They're dancing in a room and they're calling it Zumba®.

Video of a Zumba® class with a cutie at the fore

Dancing in your room. It's the latest thing.

Streisand and Gaga: Separated by Decades

2009-07-24T13:22:00.000-07:00

One of them is a disguise - I'm just saying...

Un Bouquet de Fleurs

2009-07-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

I was watching an episode of Unsung on TV One when I was finally able to identify a song I hadn't heard in decades. Until now, I was never able to figure out who was singing this Kate Bush-esque song. The episode of Unsung was about Minnie Riperton and the song, Les Fleurs, was the first cut on her first solo album Come to My Garden, released in 1970. Minnie is now most well-known for her 1975 hit Loving You and her daughter, Maya Rudolph. She died in 1979 at the age of 31.

Check out this trippy, flower-ful video of this incredible tune - sung from the point of view of un fleur.

Will somebody wear me to the fair?
Will a lady pin me in her hair?
Will a child find me by a stream?
Kiss my petals and weave me through a dream.

For all of these simple things and much more a flower was born
It blooms to spread love and joy faith and hope to people forlorn

Inside every man lives the seed of a flower
If he looks within he finds beauty and power

Ring all the bells sing and tell the people that be everywhere that the flower has come
Light up the sky with your prayers of gladness and rejoice for the darkness is gone
Throw off your fears let your heart beat freely at the sign that a new time is born

2241 Bailey Remixed and Repainted

2009-07-17T20:02:00.000-07:00

The redecoration of the inside of our home is complete.

That, of course, implies that I did not forget the linen closet which was always filled, and that I had thought about it in the six months prior when I had thought about every other wall and floor in the house, and that I had asked Francisco, the contractor, to use some of the leftover black and white kitchen linoleum on the closet floor and paint it's walls with the can of unused peach in the carriage house.

I need some air.

Surprisingly Moved by Viola Wills

2009-07-12T22:38:00.000-07:00

When I first got in my new car I turned on the stereo to find that I had Sirius satellite radio stations. I perused the manual and found that Sirius would be provided for the first year of the vehicle's operation. Since the car was actually used, I have four months of Sirius left. I'm serious.

I was listening to channel 81 Cinemagic Jazz Standards on my way home from Safeway. This station, strangely enough, plays classic dance and disco. I was minding my own business when the familiar strains of the 1980 recording If You Could Read My Mind came wafting through the six (count 'em, six) speakers. Viola Wills. I opened the car windows and belted that tune out with the lady. It's a beautiful, uplifting production of a song whose subject matter is not quite beautiful and uplifting. In fact, a controversy surrounding the rearrangement of this Gordon Lightfoot paean to dance was brewing around the same time as the Disco Sucks movement hit a full head of steam. I didn't care then or now. I got home, opened the laptop, and searched Viola and If You Could Read My Mind.

The first link that came up was a news story reporting that Viola Wills had died on May 9, 2009, two months prior. I was surprised at the news and SHOCKED that I hadn't heard it before as I pride myself on my knowledge of the minutiae of pop culture. Many links later I accepted her death to be true.

I was surprisingly moved by Viola's death. Surprisingly because I didn't feel that way when Vicki Sue Robinson died. But Viola and I had a number of tunes, and a meet and greet, in common. I remember bopping to Stormy Weather, Up on the Roof, and Gonna Get Along With You Now as I came out of the closet and onto the dance floor. Viola Wills was the cover queen.

I met Viola once. I hired her to perform at Torpedo, a gay dance club in South Beach, Florida in 1991. She was, as the nightclub business deemed her, a track act; Viola would perform to an audio track. She performed on one of our biggest dance nights and was very nice. That's about all I remember. It was a night club, for Christ's sake.

In reading about Viola I found out that she was 53 when we met seventeen years ago. I was 35. She looked great. So did I. She was a singer before 1979 when I originally caught up with her via her top 10 pop hit Gonna Get Along Without You Now. Viola performed with Barry White and recorded singles as early as 1966. I hadn't heard any of her non-dance oriented work so I decided to look for some of this stuff. Unfortunately, there was nothing but the aforementioned tunes in disparate disco compilations.

Since I found no audio files I searched YouTube for video and hit gold. But I wanted an audio collection - you know to blast in the car with the windows open. So I downloaded high-quality videos from YouTube, extracted the audio and converted it to 192 bkps using SWITCH. Not sure what that makes it technologically but it's still music. Below is a list of the songs I compressed into a ZIP file. Email me if you'd like the URL to download the ZIP.

Rest with peace, Viola.

I Got Love (1966) - excellent
Lost Without the Love (1966) - nice
You're Out of My Mind (1967) - excellent but not good quality
I Believe in Miracles (1975) - beautiful
Let's Love Now (Disco Version) (1977) - not a highlight
Gonna Get Along Without You Now (1979) - reminds me of Bette Midler's You're Moving Out Today
(There's) Always Something There to Remind Me from If You Could Read My Mind LP (1980)
If You Could Read My Mind from If You Could Read My Mind LP (1980)
Let Me Be Your Rock from If You Could Read My Mind LP (1980)
Midnight Blue from If You Could Read My Mind LP (1980)
Secret Love from If You Could Read My Mind LP (1980)
Up On The Roof from If You Could Read My Mind LP (1980)
If You Leave Me Now (1981) - very nice version of the treacly Chicago hit
The More I See You (1982) - nice take on the classic
Stormy Weather (1982) - ahhhhh
Climb Every Mountain (1983) - another remix version is on YouTube
Both Sides Now (1989) - surprisingly acceptable
Dare to Dream (1989) - excellent and written by Vi
Love Pains (1989) - was another version really necessary?
Gonna Get Along Without You Now (Single Version) (1980)
If You Could Read My Mind (extended) (1980)
Bonus Track - Gonna Get Along Without You Now (Patience & Prudence) (1959)

My Vietnamese Lady Barber Hears With An Accent

2009-07-11T19:26:00.001-07:00

Haircuts are getting less expensive. Thirty years ago I was paying $40; today I just paid $7 with a generous $5 tip. For a while I was paying nothing.

I had never been to this particular lady barber but figured whatever she does will grow out within a month anyway. Tina is very friendly and we were chatting away as she cut. I told her about Locks of Love and how I had donated my hair when I cut the length ten years before. She told me where she lived and about her dog Mimi. As she finishes the cut, Tina says:

I wuv shie cuwu. Sash un papa.

Huh? You what?

I wuv shie cuwu. Sash un papa.

You wu.. love!

Yes, She cawa.

Oh, the color. Yes. Salt and pepper. It looks good. I guess it could have been more salt than pepper which would be too much.

Huh?

More salt than pepper. Which could be too much.

More...huh?

Tina scrunched her face in the universal sign signifying WTF? Then I had an epiphany.

More sash then papa would be too much.

Oh, yes. More sash too much. And she laughs.

My Vietnamese lady barber hears with an accent.

Celebrating Canada and the United States

2009-07-02T11:06:00.000-07:00

When I looked at the calendar this week I thought, how interesting that both Canada and the United States have birthdays together. Did Canada try to emulate the United States when deciding to make their day in the first week of July? Not that I have any idea what Canada Day is. So I decided to investigate to see if the fact that these two days occupy the same week in the calendar is interesting at all. I know that July 4th is the day a declaration of independence from the British government was signed in the United States. According to Wikipedia, July 1 is popularly referred to as Canada's Birthday.

The occasion marks the joining of the British North American colonies of Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, and the Province of Canada into a federation of four provinces (the Province of Canada being divided, in the process, into Ontario and Quebec) on 1 July 1867. Although Canada is regarded as having become a kingdom in its own right on that date, the British Parliament kept limited rights of political control over the new country that were shed by stages over the years until the last vestiges were surrendered in 1982 when the Constitution Act patriated the Canadian constitution.

So July 1 is a declaration of federation with a declaration of independence chaser and a 100 year mortgage. What I find interesting is the long arm of the British Parliament. Not that there's anything wrong with it.

To all who celebrate this weekend, enjoy your hot dogs (vegetarian in this household), cherry pie, nanaimo bars, and Henry Gibson (yes, that one) performing 200 Years from the Nashville soundtrack.

Oksana Grigorieva, You Are No Marion Davies

2009-06-19T09:45:00.000-07:00

Recently, the OctoMom look-a-like baby mama of Mel Gibson's latest spawn released her first single Say My Name. Oksana Grigorieva describes the tune, co-written with Gibson and released on his Icon record label, as "naked, intimate, raw emotion, little more than piano and voice as if it is a cry from the soul". The song is getting a big push from Gibson's Icon.

Can I vomit now?

I listened to the single. The song is trite. Her voice is sometimes shrill and always weak. It's almost monotone. And it was on the Huffington Post as I casually read through the comment thread that someone brought to the front the late, great Marion Davies, another woman who had a powerful boyfriend with whom she had a baby.

The untalented Marion Davies has found her William Randolph Hearst...

Don't get me started, girlfriend! You got me started, girlfriend.

I have seen Marion Davies act and I have heard Oksana Grigorieva demonstrate her talent. And anonymous Huffington Post commenter - Oksana Grigorieva is no Marion Davies. Ms. Davies had a touching and joyful onscreen presence. She was becoming and alluring and ready for anything. Davies found her niche in comedies like Show People and The Patsy. According to most historians, Ms. Davies was truly in love with the media mogul. They were together from the moment they met but Hearst never divorced his wife.

It is an urban legend that Marion Davies had no talent. This legend began with the scuttlebutt concerning Hearst being the subject of Orson Welles' Citizen Kane and the titular character's corresponding mistress, Susan Alexander. As quoted from Davies' Wikipedia entry:

Davies was rumored to be the inspiration for the Susan Alexander character portrayed in Orson Welles' Citizen Kane, which was based loosely on Hearst's life. This portrayal has led to various portrayals of Davies as a talentless opportunist. Welles himself, as stated in his foreword to Davies autobiography The Times We Had, said he deeply regretted that so many assumed Susan Alexander was a carbon copy of Davies, and that the real Davies was a great actress and a wonderful woman.

There's also this article, Was Citizen Kane Really About Hearst?. Or check out one of Marion Davies' classic performances in Show People or The Patsy.

Ahhh, scandals had class back then.

The Subterranean Hardwood Floor Blues

2009-06-13T11:58:00.001-07:00

When George and I decided to refinish the hardwood floors, I knew it was going to be big and I dreaded it. In the last six months, we have moved from a home in Denver to a home in San Jose. One month later we moved the bulk of our crap to the garage in San Jose to paint the house and then, room by room, back to the house. Now we had to move all the furniture, books, airplanes, DVDs, and pet beds out of the affected living, sitting, dining, and bedding rooms back into the garage. (OK, I had to jimmy a cable box into a bedroom window.) The kitchen and bathroom were usable although we had to jump over the hardwood hallway to get to the bathroom. I felt like Shelley Long at the end of Outrageous Fortune.

A few months back we had completed the renovation of the small basement into a guest room. This turned out a nice twist of fate as there was no other place in the house to sleep. I begged George to put the bed in the middle of the backyard so we could sleep under the stars but he was scared of spiders. Without the basement we'd have had to go to a hotel.

Day One Bob La Beau Hardwood Floors worked. At the end of eight horrid hours of industrial noise the men took away huge black tarp bags filled with deep, dark, dirty ashes from the sanding process. Day Two they applied the first coat of varnish. Coat two on Day Three. And one final coat on Day Four. Stir in 48 hours before putting big furniture down (read: bed) and George, Max, Lucy and me have been camping for a week.

It was well worth the time, effort, and inconvenience.

Regular or Premium: A Morality Tale

2009-06-01T21:22:00.000-07:00

When I bought the first new car I owned in 1977, it was a Volkswagen Beetle, Champagne Edition with a sand colored convertible top. In 1977 and 1978, only one white Champagne convertible was distributed to each USA dealership in those two years. I got one and I filled that car religiously with regular gasoline (which at the time was leaded) until it was stolen 15 years later. (I paid 7000 and received 5500 insurance money. Not a bad investment.)

Since that purchase, I have always filled the high-performance trucks I have owned with premium (which at this time is leaded). Fast forward to the second new car I've owned, a 2008 Jeep Wrangler Unlimited X with four doors and a T-top. When I told my friends that I was going to fill up my new car with premium they asked me to reconsider.

You should read the book and do what ever it says. Cars now aren't like all those old cars you've used before.

So, notwithstanding the fact that I write manuals for a living, I pulled out the book I got with the car and preceded to be chastised on many levels.

The use of premium gasoline is not recommended. Under normal conditions, the use of premium gasoline will not provide a benefit over high quality regular gasoline, and in some circumstances may result in poorer performance.

If I were red pepper flakes I'd be on a pizza.

By listening to Steven (who was also the person that told me never to take the first apartment you look at) and Michelle, I have now saved myself, over the years, thousands of dollars. The moral of the story comes in an acronym that is widely used in the field of technical writing: RTFM.

Read the fucking manual.

Of Spectacles and Costco Cars

2009-05-29T22:17:00.000-07:00

Three years ago, I leased a Toyota Tundra in Denver. When I went to the dealer I had a Costco card with which, as a valued member of the BNL store, I would be able to buy or lease whatever I wanted for $100 above dealer invoice. No haggling, no bargaining, no shady salesman. You buy a car at $100 over what the dealer paid. Costco? Such a deal.

Fast forward and I have to return the car I leased in Denver but I live in San Jose now so I am looking at a different dealer who has the option to NOT take the car (in which case I would need to drive it back to Denver). Because of this uncertainty I started a mechanical relationship with Stevens Creek Toyota thinking that, when the time came, they would know the car was in great condition (less than 25,000 miles in three years) and would take it without charging me for every little ding.

This month I brought the car in for its check-up and mentioned I was looking to buy a car. The mechanic introduced me to Tom Wilson, car salesman. I had decided it was best for me to buy a new car from Stevens Creek so they would have to take the Toyota back or lose a sale. When I met Tom, I casually mentioned that the car I liked best is the four door Jeep Wrangler although I had had such a wonderful experience with this truck that I was going to buy Toyota again.

I was looking at the Tacoma, a smaller truck that had grown in size over the past three years. Tom brought me back to his office to crunch the numbers. On the wall, I saw a picture of Frank Zappa and a man - the card read Frank Zappa and Tom Wilson. I asked him about it.

My dad. He was a music producer and worked with Zappa. He was one of the producer's of The Velvet Underground & Nico: Tom Wilson. I'm a Junior.

We talked for a while and I found Tom to be non-disposing with no salesman tics, and working this job in his retirement. Over the next few days I started to lean towards the Toyota FJ Cruiser. I checked Costco for a price and was contacted by Sawyer at Piercy Toyota who told me about a new FJ Cruiser they had cheap. I drove to Sawyer feeling as if I was breaking the Tenth commandment with Tom. (It is the tenth, right?)

I asked Sawyer to drive me around in the car because I wanted to feel it as a passenger although psychologically I wanted to keep the upper hand with this young-looking and skinny man with spectacles, and many salesman tics. When we returned to the showroom, I asked what the car would cost. Sawyer brought me back to his office to crunch the numbers.

I sat in a chair across from him as he did some calculations and took off my sunglasses. I looked at Sawyer as my eyes adjusted to the florescence. I began to formulate a question as I noticed something about Sawyer's eyeglasses. Should I ask him? Oh, why not.

Do you have lenses in those frames?

Er...ah...um...huh...

You don't have lenses in those frames.

Ah...um...um...er...

For noticing that you have no lenses in those frames you should give me $5000 off whatever price you write down. I bet no one ever notices that.

For noticing that I have no lenses in these frames I should charge you $5000 more, Sawyer replied as he grabbed the offending accessory through the frame hole and dropped it on the desk. I took his business card with the price (which included no glass - or lack thereof - discount) and left. Two days later I get a call from Tom.

You might want to come in and see this 2008 Jeep Wrangler we just got as a trade-in. 6000 miles. Four door. Brand new. You did mention a Jeep once, didn't you?

I threw George in the Tundra and we went to the dealer, test drove the car and within 12 hours, I owned it. Of course, throughout the buying process, I learned the dealer has nothing whatsoever to do with Toyota Financing, the lease company and legal owner of the Tundra which brought me to Stevens Creek Toyota in the first place. The dealer is just the go-between. But ultimately I got the car that I wanted.

One last thing I learned: Costco doesn't sell used cars.

Total Eclipse of the Heart - Literally

2009-05-26T07:42:00.000-07:00

Check out this excellent lyrical parody of the Bonnie Tyler video for Jim Steinman's epic now sung by...Persephone Maewyn?

But We Need the Poop Bags

2009-03-23T19:10:00.000-07:00

I have been in a literal frenzy around the house these days because we have run out of bags in which to scoop up Max's poop. Safeway bags, The Home Depot, the occasional Ross, Streetlight Records. (Rasputin uses paper bags.) Barnes and Noble - all gone. I am living on the cusp so to speak of having to pick up the stuff with my fingers.

Although there is a history of those who've done worse including Divine famously eating the shit in Pink Flamingos. Although interestingly, I looked up keywords famous scat and got very few links to non-musical scat. Do people use that word anymore?

The pure and simple fact is that we no longer have a stash o' those grocery-type sacks. So, I trundle around searching through the pockets of an unused winter coat (snagged two), running out the front door to catch a sack I see blowing by the window, and using the special bag we got at the Feline Conservation Center in Rosemond, CA from the bottom of the stash box. (I had wanted to keep this bag for eternity just because it was a bag from the Feline Conservation Center in Rosemond, CA. That's my mother in me.)

Georjet and I even brought home a doggie bag of horrible food we ate at a Japanese diner. I asked our waitress if I could get my plate to go and when she left Georjet spoke.

Why would you ask for that? This food was horrible.

I know but we need the poop bags.

I've recently come across a stash of the plastic packing material from our recent move to California. I was going to throw it out but then I realized it came in sheets, like paper towels. I've been picking up poop for eleven years. I can do it with a paper towel; I've done it with a paper towel. These plastic sheets have pulled me out of a few poopie binds.

It's not that I don't know that one can buy poop bags. In fact, the aforementioned mother sent me a box of biodegradable poop bags a while back that is somewhere in the house - if I could only find it. But put out money for the purchase of bags to pick up shit when there are millions of these grocery-type sacks produced that blow around the neighborhood and kill seagulls in landfills? I refuse to buy into this theory of mass consumerism. And its not that I can't afford it. Believe you me, I can afford poop bags.

Soon there will be a few shopping trips in a row - for the right items - and we'll have enough poop bags to keep going for a bit. It's like a drug. But in the meantime I'll be searching for the temporary poop gloves unless I can remember where the biodegradable...OMG, they're in the car for emergencies. I believe this is one.

I've Been Bozzed!

2009-03-21T14:32:00.000-07:00

Being bozzed means simply that the wonders of the Boswell Sisters, a harmonic jazz vocal trio from the 20s and 30s, have been indelibly etched in my mind, body and soul. The Boswells were the Andrews Sisters ten years before the Andrews Sisters were the Andrews Sisters. Connie, Martha and Vet made music that still sounds fresh today. Check out Heebie Jeebies and try to stop shaking your fanny.

I realized I'd been bozzed when I saw Heebie Jeebies and my emotions started to swell. I have a couple of CD compilations that I had been listening to voraciously but when I watched the girls singing, the depth of what I had previously just heard bubbled to the top. There's a lot of love, a lot of family, and a lot of history behind the smiling faces in the video. For instance, lead vocalist Connee (who also played the cello) lost the use of her legs from a bout of polio when she was three years old but the sisters still went on to become performing legends.

Martha played the piano for the trio, so Connee would be carried out and placed on the piano bench...When the curtain rose the audience would see Martha and Connee seated, and their sister Vet [who played the violin] behind them with her hands on their shoulders. They even took their bows from this position.

The italicized words above the video of Sleepy Time Down South are just some of the history of the Boswell Sisters I found on the wonderfully informative web site, bozzies.com. Check out Rock and Roll below (it's very likely they invented the term despite the difference in it's use here) and then head over to bozzies.com to get yourself bozzed!

(Jean Sargent whom I had never heard of, opens the Rock and Roll video.)

My Facebook Cheerleader Dis

2009-03-07T09:02:00.000-08:00

Whatever the reason (my nerdiness or their snobbishness) I was never approached in a friendly manner by any cheerleader in any school that I have attended. They just paid me no mind. I find it fascinating that this dis continues through the Facebook years.

I found this picture of my 5th grade teacher and her team of cheerleaders on Facebook. It had been so long since I had seen her I commented on the photo - the first to write a comment for this particular photo - asking:

Is that Miss Kendall?

For a month I received notifications that cheerleaders in the picture were commenting on the picture but not one of them answered my question. Finally, in the seventh comment, a non-cheerleading male answered in the affirmative.

And life goes on.

-----

For an interesting story about Miss Kendall, see Miss Kendall.

Actor. Physical Therapist. Actor. Physical Therapist

2009-02-25T10:04:00.000-08:00

Before he turned his back on the world of theatre for the world of physical therapy, Steven Sklar was an actor - acclaimed for his portrayal of scenery 3 in our 5th grade production in The Tragedie of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark.

Click to enlarge

(My mother undoubtedly kept this program because I wrote the ditto master from which it was produced.)

Standing Cool

2009-02-13T20:04:00.001-08:00

When my older brother Andy saw this picture of the three siblings, two cousins and one aunt he said that even back then he stood cool...so I decided to prove (or disprove) the theory.

Standing bland on the first day at the 1964 World's Fair but we had to get the Unisphere in.

Standing cool on the second day at the 1964 World's Fair.

Standing cool at the National Archives in Washington, D.C.

If the position of my leg precludes me from standing cool at the National Archives, the position of Andy's leg precludes him from standing cool in Puerto Rico.

But I'm standing cool in Puerto Rico! And Lisa is mesmerized.

The nuclear family: 1965/1998

Celebrating 49 and 50

2009-02-07T11:16:00.000-08:00

Amy, George, Michael (50), Steven (49), Michelle, Phil, Annie, Larry, Judy

January 30, 2009 at One Market, San Francisco.

Click the pic.

Facebook Photos #2

2009-02-01T08:19:00.000-08:00

The first day of school

Who remembers The Jolly Roger? (amusement park and restaurant in Bethpage)

Andy, Peg, Lisa, Meta, Eric, Michael - mid 70s

Brenda (with the blonde bubble hair), Lorraine and Michael doing exhausting press after The Harbor Green Shore Club presentation of You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown. 1968

The Harbor Green Shore Club - mid 70s

Miss Kendall

2009-01-29T23:15:00.000-08:00

David Goldwyn and I were in the same 5th grade class. David lived on Shelly Drive and I used to go over his house to play. One Friday sleepover night David and I took it upon ourselves to make a phony phone call to our teacher. We looked up her name in the white pages and amazingly it was there: Jean Kendall

Michael (in una voce buffa*): Hello, is Jean Kendall there?

Old Man (hoarse and coughing): Hold on a minute I'll get her.

David and I started laughing at the brilliance of the practical joke. A LOT of time passes as we wait for her to pick up the telephone.

Miss Kendall: Hello

David and I passed the phone back and forth spewing inanities of a sort that 5th grade boys might do in una voce buffa. Finally...

Miss Kendall: Is this Michael Teger and David Goldwyn? What are you boys doing calling me like this on a Friday night? I am going to hang up now but we WILL discuss this on Monday.

Miss Kendall hung up the phone and David and I looked at each other, stunned. We shook in our boots all weekend long but didn't tell a soul of our ordeal. We rightfully assumed that our lives would be over on Monday and wanted to cherish the last remaining time before our descent into a chasm.

On Monday, Miss Kendall said nothing to either of us all day long. When school ended and the classroom was dismissed to line up in the hallway, she asked us to stay a moment. Miss Kendall very nicely but firmly explained to us that what we had done was wrong in many ways, but particularly because she lived with her father and he had just had open-heart surgery. After he had picked up the phone, her father had walked up the stairs to tell Jean that she had a phone call. He was out of breath and Miss Kendall had to sit him down and wait until he was breathing easier. Only then did she come down to pick up the phone and find we were playing games.

Miss Kendall explained to us that any number of things might have happened because of our prank: her father could have fallen on the stairs or possibly exerted himself back into the hospital. She told us that people shouldn't do things like that to each other. Miss Kendall then added the pièce de résistance: she would not tell our parents. In return, she hoped we would remember that every action has a reaction and that we should think before we act. She walked us to the end of the line in the hallway and then walked with the line outside to the buses. David and I got on our neighborhood's bus and I watched Miss Kendall as we accelerated out of the parking lot. Miss Kendall never mentioned the incident again.

David Goldwyn moved away that summer, I have yet to dial another phony phone call, and this is the first time that anyone outside of the three participants knows of this tale. Miss Kendall was a wonderful teacher and, to this day, I think of her words when I need to take action.

Thank you, Miss Kendall.

* in a funny voice

Facebook Photos #1

2009-01-28T06:34:00.000-08:00

The Harbor Green Shore Club presents You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown. The one in the orange shirt (posing like America's Next Top Model) is yours truly. 1968

Sister Lisa (and her beautiful smile) in what I refer to as Boing Boing Park on Sunset Blvd. - 1967?

Michael, Aunt Sabina (lookin' hot), Lisa, Cousin Myla at 10 Tanwood Drive, Massapequa, NY 11758 - mid 70s

Michael and Steven - early 90s?

Jerome Teger's piece d'automobile, the Excalibur - mid 70s

Battle of the Bans - Commercials That Is

2009-01-27T09:57:00.000-08:00

If someone can explain to me why this PETA ad was banned yet the Paris Hilton ad below it was not I would be most appreciative.

'Veggie Love': PETA's Banned Super Bowl Ad

The hypocrisy in this country is mind-boggling.

UPDATE 1/28/09: I had to add Whoopi's version from The View.

Max...Sit. An Amuse Bouche Video.

2008-12-25T08:53:00.000-08:00

Who says a Jack Russell Terrier can't sit still for longer than a minute?

Free TV on the Internet

2008-12-21T10:45:00.000-08:00

Here are some of the ways I have watched free television over the internet.

Hulu is not only a destination where I went to watch television. It is also a hub from which NBC Universal and News Corporation distribute content either by allowing users to embed video or by partnering with other web sites. Due to the former, I can embed video in my blog for free. Because of the latter, there are a number of web sites on which I can watch the same content.

OPENHulu uses the embed code from Hulu just like I could on my blog.

Veoh works just like OPENHulu; that is, it uses the embed code just like I could on my blog.

Fancast aggregates content from CBS, USA Network, Sci-Fi, and from Hulu. (So is Hulu a competitor or a wholesaler?)

ABC has a great site for their own shows. You have to download a plug-in but it was painless and the player has great controls.

TV4U is a strange-looking little site replete with episodes of rare classic television shows from the fifties and sixties, commercials and movies. I think it is all public domain and very well done.

Public Domain Movies is another site for the titular films. Well-organized and official-looking.

TV @ AOL Video is similar to Hulu and, in fact, carries their content. The difference between them all is getting murky though - maybe this site carries Warner stuff in addition?

Joost is one I just discovered and haven't delved too deeply into BUT it has Divorce His/Divorce Hers, the ABC Movie of the Week starring Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. Lookin' good.

Metacafe is similar to YouTube.

Do You Know the Way to San Jose?

2008-12-16T19:39:00.000-08:00

Go west on Route 66, take a few pictures and turn right.

Goodbye, Porpoise Spit!

Since that right turn, I've been driving around San Jose, California in my leased-for-Denver Toyota Tundra, a big honkin' truck with Colorado plates. It was never my intention to drive this big honkin' truck with Colorado plates in California which is why it was leased rather than bought. But here I am driving this big honkin' truck with Colorado plates on little Bailey Avenue with its one little driving lane and its one little parking lane. I'm the California cowboy.

GeorJet with whom I share an insurance plan.
We're pinned.

Walk proudly into Fry's (my least favorite store in the Bay Area) with my new moniker to return the Bluetooth ear phone I had bought to adhere to California's Hands Free Cellphone Law. As a technical writer I am applauded for my electronic acuity but the attempt to connect these two pieces of electronicity was so frustrating that the frustration soon eclipsed my desire to speak on the telephone while driving. So I am returning the earphone and calling from the side of the road (as others sociopathically flaunt their own law-breaking activities).

Excellent 1945 B-movie still playing in Barstow, CA in 2008
Watch it online here for free.

I had to give my telephone number to the sales clerk at Fry's to get my money back for the ear phone. After she punched it in the register, she spews names from the database.

Eduardo Caldez. Is that you?

No.

Nancy Miranda.

No but her name comes up when I use my telephone number at Safeway also.

She looks at me.

Robert Prince.

No but your closer. He's an old roommate.

michael teger.

That looks right but it should be capitalized.

I said this jokingly but she clicked one more forward.

Michael Teger?

There you go.

Feline Conservation Center Rosamond, CA
with brilliant end-of-clip commentary...simply brilliant.

On the list of things I will miss in Denver is the Denver Public Library. This library system is Blockbuster and Netflix in one. You go online, reserve what you want, and it is transferred to your local branch. I would then pick them up and drop them off on one of my walks with Max. The only DVD I recall them not having was the 7 disc box set of Rainer Werner Fassbinder's German television series Berlin Alexanderplatz. And I'm not being high-falutin'.

Now I go to the San Jose Public Library. When I try to reserve something online I can't. After searching the site I found this answer to a Frequently Asked Question:

Due to staffing budget cuts, Library staff are not able to search for and hold entertainment videos (DVD, VHS or VCD) or music CDs for you.

Online or in branch. So I either search the online, see which branch has the DVD, drive to that branch and hope that, in the time it takes to drive, it was not checked out by another member of the public OR just go to my branch and hope for the best. Sure they have the 7 disc box set of Rainer Fassbinder's German television series Berlin Alexanderplatz in rotation but who has the energy? Thanks Governor Schwarzenegger.

Be it ever so humble

Further down the list, we had a 2900 square foot house, three printers, and a dishwasher in Denver. In San Jose we have 900 square feet, three printers in boxes sitting in the carriage house (and I'm not being high-falutin' - it's a carriage house) and are considering the purchase of a portable dishwasher because it's really hard to go back to using your hands. I now feel that one of the last vestiges of uncivilized behavior is washing dishes by hand. And I am being high-falutin'!

There's no place like home

I think the infamous season-ending episode of the 1980s drama Dallas illustrated it best when, it turns out, Bobby Ewing woke up and discovered that he had dreamt everything that had happened during the year. I feel that sensation as I walk Max around our San Jose neighborhood again and think of Denver. Who knew the Dallas writers were on the cutting edge of clinical psychology?

I won't be the California cowboy much longer. I have to register the big honkin' truck in California come January. After that I'll be just another California resident driving a gas guzzler to his home in San Jose. What a feeling.

Bad DVD Cover Art: Day of the Dead Edition

2008-12-14T19:44:00.000-08:00

When I first reviewed the 2008 reimagining of Day of the Dead, I had found the DVD in rotation at the Denver Public Library with this DVD cover art.

I investigated further and found out about the movie's straight-to-DVD status. Fast forward to San Jose, I decide to buy the movie (sometimes you have to) but the copy I bought had this DVD cover.

It also came complete with a slip case that simulates the motion of the zombie vomiting.

I knew something was amiss but didn't put together that this was not the same cover I had previously seen until I went to the Day of the Dead page on Amazon and found the movie advertised with this cover.

Further investigation unearthed this Kiwi version I found at the Day of the Dead Bad DVD Cover Art board.

Why bother?

Harbor Green Goes to Biltmore Shores

2008-12-11T19:51:00.000-08:00

A reunion of sorts for some of the kids from the subject Massapequa neighborhoods.

George Zhen Releases Dust of the American Pixel CD

2008-12-10T10:41:00.000-08:00

My brother-in-law George Zhen is releasing his new CD, Dust of the American Pixel. Here's the first video for the song The American Pixel Part Two. It features my nephews Jeremy and Cameron and a nod back to music history.

Here's the 80s history - INXS's Need You Tonight/Mediate.

Here's the 60s history - Bob Dylan's Subterranean Homesick Blues.

Separated at Birth: Tom Cruise and Chris

2008-12-09T08:33:00.000-08:00

Tom Cruise and Chris from Team America: World Police.

Michelle O Meets Chrissie H

2008-11-14T09:22:00.000-08:00

When I saw this picture of Michelle O...

...I thought of the iconic photo of another lady in red, Chrissie H.

Too bad W. and his aunt are not positioned differently - that subtle touch of irony would have been classic.

Keith Olbermann's Flag at Half Mast

2008-11-11T07:09:00.000-08:00

I like Keith Olbermann but...couldn't he have handled the flag just a smidge differently in this picture?

Get Out of Denver

2008-11-07T12:15:00.000-08:00

The invasion of the POD was Monday. The day on which the POD finished swallowing all our belongings was Wednesday. (That's 6600 pounds of food.)

The day on which the POD was met by it's keeper was Thursday.

Today is Friday. George and I signed the papers and deposited the check. Now we return to no-longer-our home, pile Max and Lucy into the truck and well, I guess Bob Seger said it best.

We'll be driving to San Jose, California, where it all began, via route...well, I guess Nat King Cole said that best.

With Election Day and Moving Day, this has been quite a week.

John McCain Gracious?

2008-11-05T04:37:00.000-08:00

A gracious man would have said more than Please in an attempt to calm his supporters when they booed the mention of Senator Barack Obama's name during his concession speech. A gracious man would've stopped his speech and directly addressed the haters in his audience that night and at his previous campaign stops. A gracious man would have said that the type of derision they were demonstrating towards the next President of the United States will not be tolerated. A gracious man would've used words to that effect and the real Americans in his audience would've cheered loudest, drowning out the cries of negativity from the likes of him and her.

Instead, John McCain read his words as written - words that, in any other context, might be considered gracious. But, by not directly addressing the fundamental failures of a core section of his supporters, McCain displayed the same failure he referred to in his speech - and I quote - The failure is mine.

John McCain, you are no Barack Obama.

President Barack Hussein Obama

2008-11-04T22:57:00.000-08:00

Vice President Joseph Biden

Sounds so nice.

Going Once, Going Twice...

2008-11-03T05:51:00.000-08:00

By this time next week, our new President will be Barack Obama (fingers crossed) and there will be a check in our bank account (fingers uncrossed and then recrossed) from the sale of our home in Denver.

We'll also be on the road back to California, the state of my reality and (for the last three years) my dreams.

A Man and A Mouse

The Dolls Less Taken

A Critical Analysis of Jacqueline Susann's Valley of the Dolls "1981"

Drummed Right Off Broadway

The Veronica Hamel Controversy

Neely O'Hara

The Cat Fight

Quotables

The New Material

Crawling Back To Hollywood

The End

Coming in 2012: Jacqueline Susann's Valley of the Dolls 1981

Sharing Out-of-Print Content Through File Hosting

What is File Hosting?

Finding Downloads

The End

Remembering Morgan (And It's Not M*A*S*H)

The Andrea True Re-Connection

Bootlegging Broadway

Shooting With Pink Pistols

Go For The Gold, Chaz!

Lady Caca and Her Poop Purse

Lucy and the Retro Lawnchair

Why I Covered Lady Gaga's Hair (With A Heart On)

[title of show] @ Mountain View Center for Performing Arts

Sharing Out-of-Print Content Using BitTorrent

What is BitTorrent?

The BitTorrent Sharing Procedure

Seeding and Leeching and Ratios, Oh My

Sharing Speeds

The End

Tin Roof Rusted - Or Snow in San Jose

Gaga Goes To Google And To Oakland

Trim My Bush, Tabatha?

Jean Arthur Is More Than A Secretary

No Applause for Lauren Bacall

The Angiogram and Me

Liza Minnelli's Balls To You: The Lost Master

The Great Kugel Debate of 2011

Joan Rivers on Lady Gaga

The Internet Is For Porn

Attorney Phaedra Parks

Memories from Massapequa

Musical Moments from I Love Lucy: LP to MP3

Megie Megie Megie: An ABBAesque Ode

Soylent Pink Is Chicken!

The Mad Men Elevator Waiting Area Fashion Showdown

The Rabbit Brush

All That Is Lady Gaga

Carol Channing Can Do A Lot For A Corset

Paris Hilton Denies Underpants Ownership

Incredible Turnout at Beck's Rally

Separated at Birth: Pluto & Rick Scott

Brady Gaga Loves San Jose

Now That's What I Call Packing!

There Was No Body

The Left Closet is the Costco of My Room

Make a Free Ringtone for Your iPhone

Find the Wrong in Right: An Idiocratic Music Video

Midnight on Bailey Avenue

Two Stale Farts or, The Night I Met Madonna

Separated at Birth: Miley Cyrus and Heath Ledger

Heart's Magazine: The SPARTY 1024 LP

It Was the Wrong Item

Starbucks Green Tea Latte or an Onion Smoothie?

The Kitchen

To Patrick Swayze, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar

More than 3 Lines About the Film 2012

In a Clothing-Optional Hot Springs

Grandma Moses is Not Whistler's Mother

I'm Walking Max: Blook 1

Orange Alert, Non-Fat with Soy

Tori Spelling: So Bargain Basement

The Spider and the Pope. The Spider and the Pope.

Alter Egos of the Atlanta Housewives

My Husband's Bill Shredder

Bad to the Bone: A Foray into Show Business

For Your Health...Froot Loops and Fudgsicles?

Totie Fields: A Blography

Kim in the Studio with Dallas

Remembering Morgan (And It's Not MAS*H)